おそ松さん 6つ子のお仕事体験ドラ松CDシリーズ チョロ松＆十四松『バー』
Choromatsu Matsuno : Hiroshi Kamiya
Jyushimatsu Matsuno : Daisuke Ono
CHOROMATSU: Why… Why am I in a place like this?!?!?! This isn’t it! I shouldn’t have picked this place! There were definitely better options out there! It’s true that I’m a virgin. I’m such a virginous virgin to ever virgin that at this rate, I’m gonna turn into a magic user!  And I can’t deny that one of the reasons for that is because, whenever I’m faced with a real girl, I get so nervous that I clam up! But I mean, come on! I mean, girls give off such a nice smell! And they’re so soft! And I’ve never held one of them before, but I’m sure that if I did, they could break apart, they’re so delicate! And yet, with sharp words, they’ll whip me by saying terrible things about me YAHOOOOO! GIRLS ARE THE BEST! THE CREATURE OF ALL DREAMS COME TRUE! GIRLS! …But I can’t speak to them. I get nervous and I start thinking, what if they end up hating me, or what if they make fun of me and laugh at me?! …Wait a second. That actually sounds kind of nice– No, don’t think that! Don’t think that! How well I take my first step here will be my turning point towards adulthood! But even so… Was it a good idea to practice for that… at a gay bar?!?!?!
[Heeled footsteps approach]
CHOROMATSU: H–Here they come!!!
JYUSHIMATSU: Sorry to keep you waiting!♡
JYUSHIMATSU: If Jyushimatsu was a Gay Bar Hostess!
CHOROMATSU: JYUSHIMATSUUUUU!?! W–What are you doing here?!
JYUSHIMATSU: What am I doing here? Um… I’m an okama.
CHOROMATSU: An okama isn’t something you do, it’s something you are! Or rather, something you find out that you’re born as…. I–Is that what you are?!
JYUSHIMATSU: Nope, it’s just a job.
CHOROMATSU: Why did you have to choose this job?! There are plenty of other options out there!!
JYUSHIMATSU: Sir, what would you like to drink?
CHOROMATSU: Listen when someone is talking to you!
JYUSHIMATSU: Oh, by the way, you can’t call me Jyushimatsu here. I do have an okama name.
CHOROMATSU: He’s totally immersed himself into this lifestyle…
JYUSHIMATSU: Call me… Jyushimatsuko. 
CHOROMATSU: THAT’S JUST WHAT YOU ARE! There’s absolutely nothing different about that name at all!
JYUSHIMATSU: Eh? Then… Jyushimatsumi.
CHOROMATSU: The first half! Change the first half!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hmm… Nijyushimatsue. 
CHOROMATSU: THAT MAKES NO SENSE! Why is your name turning into a eye thing? Uuuughh, this duo we’ve got!! It’s the kind where I strain myself from making too many quips, right?! Am I right?!!
JYUSHIMATSU: Sanjyushimatsuyo… Hmm, Shijyushimatsuna… Um, how old am I right now? 
CHOROMATSU: Going further in doesn’t lead you to an exit. Jyushimatsu, do you really want to be an okama as a part-time job?
JYUSHIMATSU: Yeah! It’s fun! Also, the people here are really good at baseball! They’re called the Golden Balls! 
CHOROMATSU: …I had a feeling that was the case.
JYUSHIMATSU: Mama owns a pet golden retriever. Its name is Kintaro.
CHOROMATSU: She has too much lingering attachment to what she’s lost… Anyway, there’s a dog in this bar?!
JYUSHIMATSU: It’s okay! It’s not a man anymore!
CHOROMATSU: THAT’S NOT! THE PROBLEM! …Fine then. If you’re that serious about this, Jyushimatsu, then as your older brother, I, Choromatsu, will put my ass in a sling for you.
JYUSHIMATSU: Wow, you’re going to bare your ass for me?! Mama will be pleased!
CHOROMATSU: Stop, stop, that’s not what I meant! How can you say something so scary that easily?
JYUSHIMATSU: Ehhh, you’re not going to strip then?
CHOROMATSU: NO. What I meant was, as your older brother, I want to support you in what you do. Jyushimatsu, you’ve missed the most important thing.
JYUSHIMATSU: Hmm… Hit the ball at the center of the bat?!
CHOROMATSU: Uh, well, that is also important… but that’s not what I meant! It’s your name! Your name! Listen, Jyushimatsu, let’s say for instance that there’s Totoko-chan and Todoko-chan. Which name do you think sounds cuter?
CHOROMATSU: Are you serious?! Then… let’s pretend that we have here an idol who’s recently debuted. One of them is Himemiya Moena-chan. The other is Jinbabue Nobuye Bonbayeller! Which would you rather support?
JYUSHIMATSU: Jinbabue Nobuye Bonbaye! Bonbaye!!
CHOROMATSU: YOU would! But the rest of the world would go for Moena-chan! Your nickname is also important. Moerin or Babueta! Which is bette–
CHOROMATSU: I’m not asking your opinion anymore! [sighs] After meeting many underground idols, lavishing money on them, sinking money into them, and being taunted and kicked around, I as your older brother want to celebrate your departure into society as a functioning member, so I will think up the best okama name ever for you!
JYUSHIMATSU: I like Babueta.
CHOROMATSU: An okama name… The main point would be that it is in katakana… Something unexpected but still easy to get familiar with, while also carrying magnificence and splendour and reliability with it… Clotilde… No, wait… Josephine… No, that one’s too typical… It has to have more impact…
JYUSHIMATSU: Hey, Choromatsu-niisan, can I eat some chocolate?
CHOROMATSU: Sure, sure. Hmm, Beatrice? …Anastasia… Evangelina… No… Maybe just go Japanese…?
JYUSHIMATSU: I’m thirsty, can I have a coke?
CHOROMATSU: Sure, sure. Kaoruko… Michiru… Kirara?
JYUSHIMATSU: I want pizza.
CHOROMATSU: Sure, sure. Cuteness also has to be a factor… Lulu… Maron… Mocha… That sounds a bit like a dog’s name…
JYUSHIMATSU: Choromatsu-niisan, I’m sleepy.
CHOROMATSU: Sure, sure. Candy, or maybe Melty? Not something too cliched, but still giving off the sense that it’s honoring tradition… Milky… That sounds rather Showa era-ish…
CHOROMATSU: I mustn’t forget that it has to be high-class too. Something deluxe! Gorgeous! Luxurious! Looks!
[Birds chirping in the morning]
CHOROMATSU: I DID IT! The best stage name that Matsuno Choromatsu has come up with in my entire lifetime!
JYUSHIMATSU: [walks up] Oh, are you done?
CHOROMATSU: Listen! With this name, you will rise to the top of the okama world! From now on, Jyushimatsu, you are… Fabulous Angelique Serena Macaron Honey Lemon the Fourteenth! Your nickname, Pokotan! What do you think? Perfect, isn’t it?! The invincible okama who no one can resist falling in love with! Yes! Okama princess! Okama queen! Okama god! [takes a deep breath] I’m shivering… I’m shivering with fear over my own talent… Maybe I can keep this up and become an idol producer! Hehe! Hehehe!
JYUSHIMATSU: Huh? Oh! My name? I’ve decided it to be Jinbabue Nobuye Bonbaye. Mama said she LOVES it.
JYUSHIMATSU: Also, here. Your bill.
CHOROMATSU: Hostess designation fee, All Night charge. Coke, pizza, pocky, cucumber sticks, mixed nuts, beef jerky, french fries, fried chicken, dried squid, and edamame? [flips] Yakisoba, takoyaki, highball, curry, a large serving of ice cream… In total… 352,974 yen?!
JYUSHIMATSU: Mmm♡ Thank you, come again!
 “Okama” means “male transvestite.” It used to mean a gay male who dressed up as a woman and prostituted themselves for anal sex, but now it has changed to include men who are not necessarily gay but have stereotypically female characteristics. Since neither Choromatsu or Jyushimatsu refer to each other in their role with a specific pronoun, I went with neutral ones for the translation. Except for “Mama,” for which I use feminine pronouns for the more obvious feminine inclination that the title gives.
 There’s a slang in Japanese that if you are still a virgin after a certain age, you are regarded as something of a mythical creature that can use magic.
 Adding “ko” and “mi” to any name gives the indication that the person is a girl.
 “Nijyushimatsue” written out in Japanese means “24 Matsue” (二十四松江) and along with the “eyes” reference, it refers to a popular 1950s Japanese novel that became a TV drama called “24 Eyes.”
 Sanjyushimatsuyo (三十四松代) and Shijyushimatsuna (四十四松菜) are all different variations of a number+female name variation, with “Jyushimatsu” added in.
 “Golden Balls” in Japanese is “kintama,” which is slang for “testicles.” Kintaro is also a subtle reference to that.
CHOROMATSU: If Choromatsu was a Gay Bar Hostess
CHOROMATSU: Why… Why am I working in a place like this?!?!?! This isn’t it! I shouldn’t be in this place! There were definitely better jobs out there! It’s true that I’ve sunk myself into massive debt. And for some reason, no matter how much I work and work, the debt keeps growing and before I realized it… I’ve grown quite comfortable with being an okama… No, but I’m not a reborn okama! I’m simply just a business okama! No, no! If I want to live my own life, I need to take my job as an okama seriously and repay my debt! It’ll be okay! I should be able to do this! Yes, I can! Yes, I can!
[The door opens]
CHOROMATSU: A customer is here!!! Uhu♡ Welco– ah. Ahhhhhhh!
[Heeled footsteps approach]
CHOROMATSU: You’re… The legendary okama… Jinbabue Nobuye Bonbaye!
JYUSHIMATSU: Oh honey, don’t call me by that name!
CHOROMATSU: U–Um… Nobuyetan-san? If I could bother you for just a second…
JYUSHIMATSU: Yes? What is it?
CHOROMATSU: After you took on the name Jinbabue Nobuye Bonbaye and left the bar, you became the top okama in the blink of an eye and created a chain of stores all across Japan, rising to the top of the okama world. You became a well-known face on afternoon TV broadcasting, and your debut album “When You Slip, Your Legs Should Look Like Japanese Quotation Marks” sold over one hundred million copies. Your life story was made into a movie by Hollywood. You created a new political party called the Golden Ball party and just when there was a countdown that you would be next in line for Prime Minister, you disappeared without a trace. Why are you in this store now?
JYUSHIMATSU: Hey. Are you familiar with Siberia?
CHOROMATSU: Huh? U–Um, you mean… the one in Russia?
JYUSHIMATSU: No~ You know, the one that’s square-shaped and triangle-shaped sometimes, and has castella and anko paste.
CHOROMATSU: The sweet? 
JYUSHIMATSU: Yes, yes~ Just so you know… I love Siberia!
CHOROMATSU: O–Okay… [thinking] I have no idea where they’re going with this…
JYUSHIMATSU: So, after this really loooooooooong meeting one day, I got hungry and I could see my grandma waving to me from the other side of the river.
CHOROMATSU: I have no idea where they’re going with this, it’s despairing!!!
JYUSHIMATSU: And then, would you know it, the Prime Minister gave me Siberia! Then I thought, I absolutely MUST eat this in Siberia!
JYUSHIMATSU: So I took the bullet train and zoomed over there!
CHOROMATSU: Bullet train…
JYUSHIMATSU: But Siberia turned out to be pretty far away and I started getting sleepy when we were crossing through Tamagawa.
JYUSHIMATSU: Right when I was dozing off to sleep, there was suddenly a slam and a wham and bam bam bam bam bam, and the sound of pistols!
JYUSHIMATSU: People kept piling into the car saying “Borscht, borscht!” and I thought, “Oh, these guys are planning to eat my Siberia!” so I jumped out the train window.
JYUSHIMATSU: Then there came a giant blizzard, and my Siberia froze. It doesn’t taste very good when it’s frozen solid, did you know?
JYUSHIMATSU: Then, after I finished eating it, I went back home.
CHOROMATSU: You went to eat Siberia in Siberia… You threw away the chance to become Japan’s first okama Prime Minister just for that?! That’s deep! That’s very deep, Babuetan-san!
JYUSHIMATSU: Ehehe, no need to compliment me that much.
CHOROMATSU: Oh, by the way, the Siberia dessert isn’t actually made from Siberia.
JYUSHIMATSU: Oh, I see. So, where’s Mama?
CHOROMATSU: She retired.
CHOROMATSU: Her golden retriever Kintaro double-crossed her. Even though it was being pampered so much, it stole the golden angels that Mama was collecting and ran off. Mama was in such despair that she gave up the bar and went back to her country. While I phrase it like that though, she lives in Musashino-Koganei. 
JYUSHIMATSU: Ehhhhh… Huh? Then why is this bar still here?
CHOROMATSU: It was acquired. My debt was taken up along with the furnishings of the bar, so in terms of the bar’s existence, nothing’s really changed.
JYUSHIMATSU: Oh, so you’re working here! Ooh! What’s your name?
CHOROMATSU: C–Choromi. [awkward pause] Never mind that, Babuetan-san. Why have you come back to this bar?
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehe. The smell, I suppose.
CHOROMATSU: The smell? I guess the days you had spent in this place must have been so important to y–
JYUSHIMATSU: I smelled oden!
CHOROMATSU: There wasn’t a good story behind it at all!
JYUSHIMATSU: I want to eat oden!
CHOROMATSU: That oden is my dinner… But I’ll share it with you if you’ll allow me to ask you one question.
JYUSHIMATSU: Okay, okay, I’ll answer whatever you want!
CHOROMATSU: You promised! [stands up] Just wait a bit, okay? [lights up the stove]
CHOROMATSU: Thank you for waiting! I warmed up my share as well, since it doesn’t look like there will be anymore customers for today anyway. Let’s close up shop.
JYUSHIMATSU: All right~ Thank you for the food!
CHOROMATSU: I’ll eat too.
[JYUSHIMATSU and CHOROMATSU eat hot oden]
JYUSHIMATSU: [in between chewing] So… What is it… that you want me to teach you?
CHOROMATSU: Well… [slurps] Um… O…
CHOROMATSU: [slurps] Please teach me how to be a better okama!
JYUSHIMATSU: Eh? Is that all you want to know?
CHOROMATSU: Yes! The art of conversation that you possess, to be able to calm down the rage of pro-wrestlers in a fight with a single word! The unifying force that you have, to create a new political party in a flash! The beauty that you have, to have rich and powerful men at the top of the financial world lay heaps of money at your feet! Please pass all of that down to me! So that I may repay my debt!
JYUSHIMATSU: [puts chopsticks away] Very well.
JYUSHIMATSU: I will now teach you a secret that I have never before shared with anyone else. However… It WILL hurt.
CHOROMATSU: Eh? D–Does it involve cosmetic surgery?
JYUSHIMATSU: Slides over. From this point on, due to our current circumstances, we will be conveying this scene to you, the listener, only through sound!
CHOROMATSU: Eh? We’ve been conveying through sound this whole tim– Ahhh?! You use something that big in…?! I–I can’t do that!
JYUSHIMATSU: You want to become a first-class okama, don’t you?
CHOROMATSU: B–But THIS big… Ahhhhh…
JYUSHIMATSU: No one will be coming here until the next morning. There will be plenty of time for me to teach you thoroughly.
CHOROMATSU: Is this about to go ChoroJyushi?! I–Is it okay for the official side to be doing that?!
JYUSHIMATSU: Heh. Hahaha. As long as there isn’t any artwork to go along with it, no one will get mad at us.
CHOROMATSU: I’m pretty sure they WILL get mad at us! …Eh? Ahhh… AHHHHHHHHH!
[CHOROMATSU’s screaming fades]
CHOROMATSU: [breathes heavily]
JYUSHIMATSU: [also breathing heavily] You did well. Now, as a last review! First… pitch!
CHOROMATSU: While keeping the shoulder pliable, use your elbow correctly and add a stable spin to the ball! [pitches]
CHOROMATSU: Bring yourself to the ball and swing around as if to wrap your arms around your body! [swings]
CHOROMATSU: Grab the ball firmly with the center of your glove and bring your leg out towards the direction that you want to throw! [throws the ball]
JYUSHIMATSU: Perfect work, Choromi-kun! With this, you have passed with flying colors the Jyushimatsu Test of how okama you are!
CHOROMATSU: [emotional] Coach… Thank you! –THIS IS BASEBAAAAALL!!! And why do we have to eat piping hot oden while we practice?!?!?! I don’t understand at all! My mouth feels like it’s drooling!!!
JYUSHIMATSU: You greenhorn! Do you still not get it yet?!
JYUSHIMATSU: If you don’t eat oden quickly, it’ll get cold!
CHOROMATSU: Then why not practice AFTER we’ve eaten it?! Isn’t there something else, like, advice on how to not act as an okama, or stuff about thick makeup that actually doesn’t make you look pretty when you’re drunk inside the dimly lit bar?!
JYUSHIMATSU: Eh? But all I’ve talked about has been about baseball.
CHOROMATSU: W–What about the raging pro-wrestlers?
JYUSHIMATSU: When I taught them how to throw a ball properly, they said it improved their lariat!
CHOROMATSU: The new political party?!
JYUSHIMATSU: It’s a baseball team.
CHOROMATSU: The money heaps?!
JYUSHIMATSU: They wanted me to be their coach, but I turned them down because it was a pain.
CHOROMATSU: Then… everything… was baseball?
JYUSHIMATSU: Yep! Now then, let’s go to practice! We’re gonna raid a street baseball team!
CHOROMATSU: I… I give up…
 Siberia dessert
 Koganei in Musashino city is still located in Tokyo, so Mama didn’t travel very far.
To be updated…