[drama cd] osomatsu-san sextuplets’ work experience dramatsu CD series: karamatsu & todomatsu with totoko “host club”

おそ松さん 6つ子のお仕事体験ドラ松CDシリーズ カラ松&トド松withトト子『ホストクラブ』

Where to buy this CD: Amazon.JP, CDJapan

Karamatsu Matsuno : Yuuichi Nakamura
Todomatsu Matsuno : Miyu Irino
Totoko Yowai : Aya Endou

01: もしもカラ松とトド松がホストだったら ~前編~
02: もしもカラ松とトド松がホストだったら ~後編~
03: フリートーク(中村悠一&入野自由&遠藤 綾)

TRACK 01: If Karamatsu and Todomatsu Were Hosts ~Part 1~
KARAMATSU: Osomatsu-san Sextuplets’ Work Experience Dramatsu CD Series.
TODOMATSU: Volume 6, Karamatsu & Todomatsu: “Hosts.”

TOTOKO: Host clubs. They are a one-night castle where dreams are given and men bloom. Now, it has come, the “I am the most popular guy in all of Japan, but let’s grab the pinnacle of host position” contest! AKA, the “I am butt” contest! [1] Here at Kabukicho’s Club Hijirisawa, we have two people fighting for the spot as number one host! They are!
KARAMATSU: Heh! It’s me.
TOTOKO: The second son Karamatsu, who is wholly rumored to be the walking embodiment of pain dressed in clothing! Even in summer heat, he refuses to put away his leather jacket! His me-ism is at absolute zero! Up against him is!
TODOMATSU: Haha! Ciao!
TOTOKO: The sixth son Todomatsu, a pink angel from hell whose slyness is world-class! He’s good at getting others to pamper him and getting on in the world. He possesses superior talent at appearing to compliment others when he’s actually dissing them! His feminine skills are the best in town! Now, you two, a comment on how you feel about this match, if you will.
KARAMATSU: Heh. Todomatsu. Maybe it’s best for you to forfeit while you still have the chance. If you remember your place now, I’ll make the fact that you got out of line a good memory–
TODOMATSU: Karamatsu-niisan, you need to learn to face reality. There are no Karamatsu Girls~ They’re a figment of your imagination~ It hurts~
TOTOKO: An ugly fight between siblings right off the bat! I feel that no matter who wins or loses, all that will be left is damage! Nevertheless, for the sake of believing themselves to be popular, the two will now compete! The “I am butt” contest begins!
[Fireworks shoot into the distance and a crowd cheers]
TOTOKO: I, Totoko, will be your host. And our commentator for today is…
TOTOKO: Me, Totoko!
KARAMATSU/TODOMATSU: Eh? Two positions at once?
TOTOKO: Mademoiselle Totoko, who spends the money that the fish store earns on hosts and was once called the jewel of Kabukichou! Just by taking one step, I am surrounded by hosts!
TOTOKO: By taking two steps, I’m given rolls of banknotes!
TOTOKO: And by taking three steps, they all prostrate before me!
TOTOKO: Is there anyone other than I who is fit to judge this contest?
KARAMATSU: No, there is not.
TODOMATSU: You are fit for the position.
TOTOKO: Now then, for the first round. As a host, you must naturally be able to do this– The seduction round! You must comfort a girl who is crying for a certain reason. If you manage to make her stop crying without a hitch, you win one point!
KARAMATSU: Heh, that’s my specialty.
TOTOKO: Now, who will be the first host to step up?
TODOMATSU: [raises arm] Me!
TOTOKO: Okay, Contestant Todomatsu! That was fast.
TODOMATSU: Sorry, but I’m going first. Or rather, Karamatsu-niisan, you won’t have a chance after my turn, so there’s no meaning in arguing who goes first or second.
KARAMATSU: Let’s see how your true abilities shine.

KARAMATSU: If Todomatsu was a Host.

[TOTOKO cries]
TODOMATSU: Hey, do you know the flower meaning for this flower?
TODOMATSU: The flower meaning for mimulus is “Show me your smile.”
TOTOKO: What a beautiful color…
TODOMATSU: Hehe, you finally smiled. I love your smile.
KARAMATSU: Hmm. Starting with the flower meaning, he makes his “I love you” attack. This sure hits the body.
TODOMATSU: What’s wrong? If you’re okay with it, tell me why you’re crying.
TODOMATSU: Just do as I say. Let me spoil you.
KARAMATSU: And from his position as the younger brother, he unexpectedly brings out a masculine side! Heh! As a rival, you’ve got no inadequacies. Todomatsu, you… are beautiful. ☆
TOTOKO: My boss told me to sell all of these pines and not come back until I’ve done so. But I haven’t been able to sell any of them… It was so cold out there… So lonely…
TODOMATSU: I see… You’re a Pine-selling girl. But, as you would expect in this era, I don’t think that pines will sell.
TOTOKO: It was then that I heard from the advertising boy outside that newcomers get to drink all they want for their first two hours at only 3,000 yen so I ended up wandering in here… I’m so useless…
TODOMATSU: No, you’re not useless, Totoko-chan! I think it was destiny that you came here, to Club Hijirisawa, and requested for me.
TOTOKO: Destiny?
TODOMATSU: I’ll teach you a magic spell. When you chant it, you’ll turn into a princess at once.
TOTOKO: A magic spell? I can become a princess?
TODOMATSU: Yeah! Are you ready? Listen carefully! …”Champagne Call.”
TOTOKO: I’ll chant it! I’ll become a princess! Champagne Caaaaaaall!
TODOMATSU: We have a Champagne Call here! A wonderful…
KARAMATSU: Wonderful!
TODOMATSU: Princess!
KARAMATSU: Princess!
TODOMATSU: Has made the champagne call! Champagne, champagne, champagne, champage, we have a request for champagne here!
[A champagne bottle is opened]
TOTOKO: Kyaaaaaah! I’m a princess!
TODOMATSU: Hehe, that’s right. A host club is a magical place. The more money you spend, the more you shine. Now, let’s do the best to make you shine brightest in the entire world!
TOTOKO: I’ll throw in even more! Bring me the priciest alcohol you’ve got here! Hahahaha hahahaha hahahahahahaha!
TODOMATSU: …That should be enough. It’s your turn now, Karamatsu-niisan. You can forfeit if you think you can’t do it.
KARAMATSU: [claps] You did well, my brother. However… However, Todomatsu. You’ve overlooked the most important part. I’ll show you how a real–
TODOMATSU: If Karamatsu was a Host!

[TOTOKO cries]
KARAMATSU: [sings] I love you, you are–
TOTOKO: Ah, no singing please.
KARAMATSU: O–Oh… Hmm… “The pitch-black darkness of the night was so black that I couldn’t see anything–”
TOTOKO: No quoting song lyrics either. This is Contestant Karamatsu’s second penalty! If you hit three, I’ll rip it off.
TODOMATSU: Rip what off?!
KARAMATSU: Knngghh… Right now, I am a fallen angel whose had one of his wings plucked off!
TOTOKO: Ah, wait, no painful lines either, if you would.
KARAMATSU: It’s all right, Karamatsu Girl! I will be the only one who will remain by your side, protecting you! Yes… Even if the entire world turns against me!
TOTOKO: I want to be loved, so I won’t be with someone who has the whole world against him.
KARAMATSU: I know that~ You and I~ Are the only two people in this world~ Two lonely hearts attracted to each other! Yes! This is the shape of our love! Now, let’s jump off together! Fly Away!
TOTOKO: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
TODOMATSU: What is this? He’s so painful that Totoko-chan stopped crying. Is this possible?!
KARAMATSU: Now, let us depart to that paradise meant only for the two of us! Go To Heaven! Yes! I Am Pan! Now, I shall sing! “If–”
TODOMATSU: Third penalty and he’s been disqualified. He may be my brother but this is horrible. This is painful.
KARAMATSU: Don’t stop me… My soul wants to sing…!
TOTOKO: That was your third penalty, now I’ll rip it off.
KARAMATSU: Eh? W–W–Wait, no! Are you serious? …There?! That’s what you’re ripping off?! N–No, no, no, really, don’t do that! Ah! You can’t rip that off!

[KARAMATSU sobs quietly]
TOTOKO: Now then! The first round has been won by Contestant Todomatsu, with his magnificent combo technique, by 7 points! His opponent, Contestant Karamatsu, with penalties incurred, has won -18,950 points!
KARAMATSU: Kghhh! A start from rock bottom! But I wouldn’t have it any other way!
TOTOKO: With that painful statement, he’s dropped a further -735 points!
TODOMATSU: Eh? This difference in points between us is huge and we’re still playing? The winner seems pretty clear, doesn’t it??
KARAMATSU: I rise up in the face of adversity. Yes! That is my Justice!
TOTOKO: Contestant Karamatsu falls an additional -2,950 points! With that, we will continue into the second half!

[1] The title that Totoko said only took the first and last words (“zen” and “ra”) to say “zenra” which means “butt naked.” I tried to stay true to that idea.

TRACK 02: If Karamatsu and Todomatsu Were Hosts ~Part 2~

TOTOKO: The “I am the most popular guy in all of Japan, but let’s grab the pinnacle of host position” contest! AKA, the “I am butt” contest! This fight between Contestants Karamatsu and Todomatsu, a combination that’s not even worth a contest, has begun! I feel that the winner is already clear, so let’s keep going! Second round– The drinking round!
TODOMATSU: Let’s see, then, I’ll get… a sangria!
TOTOKO: Aww, Totty, a sangria? That’s so cute!
KARAMATSU: A man’s choice would be quietly drinking bourbon on the rocks.
TODOMATSU: Aww, Karapippi, you’re gonna drink that in one shot? That’s so manly!
KARAMATSU: Eh? S–Sure… Alcohol is like a mother’s milk to me. Heh. Here I go. [drinks and falls over]
TOTOKO: Contestant Karamatsu goes down, giving Contestant Todomatsu a complete victory!
TODOMATSU: Yep, Karamatsu-niisan is such a lightweight that he even gets drunk from barley tea.
TOTOKO: Please drink your alcohol responsibly in reasonable quantities. Next up, the third round– The lucky underwear round!
TODOMATSU: Ehhh? This is embarrassing… You’re the only one I’ll show it to, okay? [strips] …But now that you’ve seen it, I’ll have you take responsibility.
TOTOKO: What’s this? Despite what Contestant Todomatsu’s outer appearance would have you assume, he is wearing aggressive underwear! [as commentator] I’m a dainty girl who can only carry five stacked styrofoam boxes filled with ice and fish, with each box weighing 15 kilograms, on my shoulders, so this masculine approach strikes my heart! Iyaaan~ I want to strip the cabbage of a rolled cabbage boy!
KARAMATSU: Heh! [strips]
TOTOKO: [uninterested] Haaa, a fundoshi. I see.
KARAMATSU: You sound so unexcited!
TOTOKO: Totoko loses her excitement, giving Contestant Todomatsu a complete victory! Fourth round– The finishing line round!
TODOMATSU: Let’s drink together! But when I drink with you, I feel so at ease that I get drunk…
KARAMATSU: Would you be… my wallet?
[Sound of TODOMATSU winning]
TOTOKO: Fifth round– The cooking round!
TODOMATSU: I’ve made omurice!
KARAMATSU: Hold on for just a moment! I’ll go catch a tuna right now! What’s more, it’ll be the Pacific bluefin tuna!
[Sound of TODOMATSU winning]
TOTOKO: Sixth round– The painting round!
[Sound of TODOMATSU winning]
TOTOKO: Seventh round– The mochi-eating round!
[Sound of TODOMATSU winning]
TOTOKO: Eighth round!
[Sound of TODOMATSU winning]
TOTOKO: Ninth round!
[Sound of TODOMATSU winning]
[Sound of TODOMATSU winning]
TOTOKO: At last, we’ve reached the last round!
[TODOMATSU and KARAMATSU breathe heavily]
TODOMATSU: How long is this?
KARAMATSU: Long-distance swimming from Madagascar… That one was tough…
TOTOKO: The score so far is Contestant Todomatsu at 135 points! His abilities have overwhelmingly kept the competition at bay! To be honest, it’s enough to make some people wonder if he really was born among those sextuplets!
TODOMATSU: I actually wonder about that, too.
TOTOKO: In comparison, Contestant Karamatsu is also overwhelming!
KARAMATSU: Heh! I haven’t even shown a granule of a piece of my serious mode.
TOTOKO: 102,700,130,000 points… below zero! That’s almost the same number as Japan’s population!
TODOMATSU: Nothing less from Karamatsu-niisan!
KARAMATSU: Now THAT’S overwhelming!
TOTOKO: But not to worry! The number of points given for the last round will be 480 trillion! You’ll be able to recover in one shot!
TODOMATSU: Shouldn’t we have just done the last round then?! What need was there for all those rounds before it?!
KARAMATSU: Now THAT’S overwhelming!!
TOTOKO: The topic for the last round is…
TOTOKO: Take Down Mademoiselle Totoko! Mademoiselle Totoko appears suddenly at Club Hijirisawa! Wherever she walks, the corpses of hosts appear behind her! Not even shepherd’s purse weeds dare to grow there!
TODOMATSU: You ARE talking about yourself, right…?
KARAMATSU: [gulps] How many hosts were sacrificed…?
TOTOKO: Whether you win this round or not will be determined by how well you satisfy her, up to the point she leaves! Now, begin!

TODOMATSU: Wow, you came! I’m so happy!
TOTOKO: Eh? This is my first time coming here…
TODOMATSU: Huh? Really? Oh, I see! I’m sorry! I don’t feel like this is the first time we’ve met. Hehe, maybe we already knew each other before we were even born.
TODOMATSU: What’s wrong?
TOTOKO: Cheap. Not even otome games these days say cliched lines like that. Don’t treat me like those little kitties with easy guards that you’ve been seeing all this time.
TODOMATSU: W–What is this aura? She’s clearly different from the Totoko-chan that I knew a few minutes ago.
KARAMATSU: She’s like a female leopard!
TODOMATSU: No, I can’t crack here! I–I’m Todomatsu. It’s nice to meet you.
TOTOKO: So? Who’s that posing in a bathrobe while carrying a brandy glass?
KARAMATSU: I’m Karamatsu. The outfield is whispering at me to shine more.
TOTOKO: Todomatsu-kun and Karamatsu-kun, got it.
TODOMATSU: She ignored Karamatsu-niisan’s painfulness! She’s good!
TOTOKO: If you entertain me to my heart’s content… Let’s see… The priciest alcohol here…
TODOMATSU: Eh? You’ll buy a bottle of it–?
TOTOKO: I’ll buy enough of it to make a champagne tower, how’s that?
TODOMATSU: No way! One bottle is 4 million yen!
KARAMATSU: Fish stores sure are prosperous!
TOTOKO: Oh? Are you scared? How hopeless. Then I’ll create an opportunity for you. [in a cute voice] I’ve been worrying over something lately…
TODOMATSU: Worrying? [to himself] This lead-in seems easy enough, but it’s got plenty of taboos. I have to avoid getting into real topics like white hairs or wrinkles… I know! [out loud] Hey, you must be tired these days. I love seeing that hardworking side of yours, but you do make me a bit worried. Shall I massage your shoulders? I may not look like it, but I’m good at massages.
KARAMATSU: Don’t worry. No matter what sort of boobs you have, I will love them.
TODOMATSU: Karamatsu-niisan, are you an idiot?! Do you WANT to die?!
TOTOKO: Hm. I like that.
TOTOKO: You’re a funny one. Once you’ve seen all of the hosts in the nation as I have, they all start looking the same. Among them, you are slightly different.
TODOMATSU: Doesn’t that just mean he’s not fit to be a host?!
KARAMATSU: The era has finally caught up to me, has it!
TOTOKO: My worry is that, despite how long it’s been, I have yet to reunite with that man. You two know the owner of this club, don’t you? I’ve been going to host clubs just so I can see him again.
TODOMATSU: Eh? Do you know the owner?
KARAMATSU: I have a rule not to remember the names of small fries.
TOTOKO: You idiot! When I talk about the owner of Club Hijirisawa, it can be no other than that legendary host, Hijirisawa Shounosuke!
TODOMATSU: Hijirisawa…
KARAMATSU: Shounosuke… You mean…?!
TOTOKO: You know of him, then? That’s good. If you didn’t know who Hijirisawa-sama was, I would have made you bungee-jump with a gourd tied to your back.
TODOMATSU: He’s that amazing?
TOTOKO: He’s the man who changed Japanese history. I wonder where he is and what he’s doing now…
TODOMATSU: (I can’t tell her that we fished him out of the fish pond the other day…)
KARAMATSU: (I can’t tell her that Jyushimatsu took him home and put him up as a decoration…)
TOTOKO: I want to see him again… If that’s not possible, then I want to raise the next host Hijirisawa, Hijirisawa-sama’s successor, by my own hands! That is my lifetime dream. That’s what this “I am butt” contest is for!
TODOMATSU: Wait… Eh? By “pinnacle of host position,” you mean…?!
KARAMATSU: Are you serious?! Then… if I win this contest, I’ll become Hijirisawa Shounosuke…?
TOTOKO: Now, you two! Are you prepared to take Hijirisawa-sama’s place?
TODOMATSU: No, ma’am.
KARAMATSU: I mean, it’s too big of a weight, and like, I wasn’t aiming that far in the first place…
TODOMATSU: Now that I think about it, neither of us really fit this job anyway…
KARAMATSU: It would be better working a more serious job.

TOTOKO: Host clubs. They are a one-night castle where dreams are given and men bloom. Host clubs. They are a one-night castle where women gather to find love. Today, just like any other day, a new dream bloomed before scattering away. The end.

TRACK 03: Free Talk Corner (Yuuichi Nakamura & Miyu Irino & Aya Endou)

To be updated…

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