Where to buy this CD: Amazon.JP, CDJapan

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CAST
Daisuke Motomiya : Fukujurou Katayama
Ken Ichijouji : Arthur Lounsbery
Iori Hida : Yoshitaka Yamaya
Miyako Inoue : Ayaka Asai
Takeru Takaishi : Junya Enoki
Hikari Yagami : MAO
V-mon : Junko Noda
Wormmon : Naozumi Takahashi
Armadimon : Megumi Urawa
Hawkmon : Kouichi Toochika
Patamon : Miwa Matsumoto
Tailmon : Yuka Tokumitsu
Narrator : Hiroaki Hirata

STAFF
Producer : Hiromi Seki & Yousuke Kinoshita
Script : Akatsuki Yamatoya
Sound Director : Satoki Iida
Recording : Satoru Matsuda
Sound Effects : Yuuji Furuya & Maki Takuma
Sound Production : TAVAC

——————————–

　The story has begun to revolve at full speed
　Dyeing the earth red
　On the map there lies an empty paradise
　Let’s try to save it ourselves
　We’re running as fast as we can now
　Up the endless hill, far away
　Stand up! There’s a hero inside of me
　A target that towers over everything, there’s no way I can lose!
　Burn up! My heartbeat burns within my chest
　We’re gonna get back the tomorrow we’ve forgotten
　With a heated battle!

–

NARRATOR: It’s early summer in the year 2010. Daisuke and his friends have each moved on to shape their chosen future careers, but with summer vacation approaching, they decided to form a plan. And in order to put that magnificent plan into action, Daisuke and his friends take a stand.

DAISUKE (Title Call): “Where Should We Go?”

TEACHER: Therefore, my emotions at this time would be choice C: “We could have continued on this together without abandoning all efforts.” Incident to that would also be “We could have continued, but we didn’t”—

[School bell rings]

TEACHER: That’s all the time we have, so that’s it for today’s lecture.

[Class stretches and yawns]

STUDENT: See you, Hida-kun!
IORI: Good work today. See you tomorrow.
STUDENT: Bye, Iori!
IORI: Goodbye. Please be careful on your way home.
DAISUKE: …I see you’re still talking formally to everyone as always, Iori!
IORI: Daisuke-san! And Takeru-san.
TAKERU: Hey there, Iori-kun. Long time no see.
IORI: It’s unusual for the both of you to come and see me. Did something happen?
DAISUKE: Sorry for the short notice, but we need to talk to you. Could you come with us?

–

FRONT DESK: Hello! Welcome to the Karaoke Palace! Do you have membership cards?
IORI: No, we’re not members.
DAISUKE: Three students, please!
TAKERU: Oh, but we may have more joining us later.
FRONT DESK: Understood. Should I add an all-you-can-drink option?
IORI: No, thank you.
FRONT DESK: You got it. How much time would you like?
DAISUKE: Three hours, to start!
TAKERU: Oh, but we might extend it later.
FRONT DESK: Understood. Please head to Room 505!

–

DAISUKE: All right, we’re here! Hey, V-mon, you can come out now!
V-MON: Yes! Daisuke, I’m starving!
TAKERU: Sorry to keep you cramped up in there, Patamon.
V-MON: Why did we have to hide?!
DAISUKE: Hey, don’t complain! I needed to save up from the admission fee that they would have charged you guys!
IORI: Well, that’s rather cheap.
DAISUKE: Get off my back!
ARMADIMON: Guys, long time no see, dagya!
DAISUKE: Hey, Armadimon! You came to our world too, huh?
V-MON: Oh, this is a karaoke bar!
PATAMON: Takeru, can I sing?
TAKERU: After we’re done talking.
PATAMON: Yay!
DAISUKE: Okay, guys, first… Let’s get something to eat!

[Daisuke picks up the phone]

FRONT DESK: Hello, front desk.
DAISUKE: Three oolong teas and three orange juices! Also, a large order of fries, the fried food combination platter, and one of each pizza you’ve got! Also, the entire first page of the menu!

[Daisuke hangs up]

IORI: The entire first page…
TAKERU: [laughing] They must think we’re total pigs.
IORI: Who’s going to be paying for this…?

–

FRONT DESK: Thank you for waiting! Here are your drinks, a large order of fries, the fried food combination platter, pizza, and the entire first page of the menu.
TAKERU: Wow… That’s a lot of volume.
FRONT DESK: Enjoy!
DAISUKE: All right guys, you can come out now! Go ahead and eat!
DIGIMON: Yay! Thank you for the food!
IORI: So, who’s going to be paying for this?
DAISUKE: Now look at who’s being the cheap one.
TAKERU: I could say that for the both of you.
DAISUKE: I’m not being cheap, I’m economizing!
TAKERU: Not that I care either way.
IORI: Putting that aside… What did you want to talk about?
DAISUKE: Oh, what I wanted to talk about was…
V-MON: Daisuke wants to go on a trip with everyone!
DAISUKE: Hey, V-mon! Don’t say it before I do!
V-MON: Oh, sorry…
IORI: When you say “everyone,” to what extent do you mean?
DAISUKE: I was thinking, first, Hikari-chan! Then Takeru, Ken, Iori, and Miyako. I thought about reaching out to Taichi-san and the others too, but our seniors seem pretty busy.
TAKERU: I think whoever’s busy can just come along if they happen to make it.
ARMADIMON: I heard from Hawkmon that Miyako is studying abroad in Spain right now, dagya.
TAKERU: Ichijouji-kun also mentioned that he has a soccer camp.
PATAMON: Wow, everyone’s so busy.
DAISUKE: Since we’re all more or less like that, I figured we’d ask Iori first about his schedule since he’d be the busiest with studying for college entrance exams and club activities.
IORI: Oh, I see. I have cram school and kendo practice during the summer, but I believe that I can arrange my schedule as long as it doesn’t take place on my training camp week.
TAKERU: Oh, great! That’s more flexible that I’d thought.
DAISUKE: That would be majorly helpful, Iori!
IORI: Going on a trip is fine and all, but what exactly do you guys want to do?
DAISUKE: Eat delicious ramen!
V-MON: See the ocean!
PATAMON: I wanna go gather firewood in the mountains!
TAKERU: …Firewood?
IORI: In this area, we could go to Izu for the ocean or Karuizawa for the mountains.
DAISUKE: I like that! Playing tennis with Hikari-chan in Karuizawa!
TAKERU: But the ocean is a great choice, too.
DAISUKE: I like that… Swimming underwater in the ocean with Hikari-chan… Hehehe…
V-MON: Daisuke… You’re kind of embarrassing me…
IORI: By the way, Armadimon, where would you like to go?
ARMADIMON: I want to go… to Nagoya, dagya!
ALL: Nagoya?
ARMADIMON [takes the karaoke mic]: “The castle is the mainstay in Owari, Nagoya!” as they say.^[1] Its landmark, the Nagoya Castle, is famous for its brilliant gold shachihoko^[2] on its roof! On maps, Nagoya is located at the very center of Japan as its central hub of culture! Containing the best of both the east and the west, it’s the number one place in Japan where a car is essential! Its four-laned highways on both sides that ignore pedestrians runs in all the four cardinal directions^[3] , and the local favorite date spot is the aquarium! There’s even a few zoos and art museums! And what’s more— What else could represent Nagoya more than its gourmet food! Gourmet food is what Nagoya is all about! Miso pork cutlets, shrimp tempura hand rolls, deep fried chicken wings, and Nagoya’s famous special “fwied shwimp”!^[4] A round table full of breakfast foods! Slightly salty spaghetti with starchy sauce on top! Not pasta, but spaghetti! When you’re in a hurry, stop by at the train station for kishimen! I recommend the shops located on the uptown platform!^[5] Piping hot udon noodles boiled in miso! Super-super-spicy Taiwan ramen! The slightly expensive hitsumabushi^[6], and last but not least, the Yamatoya ramen, dagya!
ARMADIMON: [breathes] So, that’s why I say let’s all go to Nagoya, dagya!
DAISUKE: I’m personally interested in the Taiwan ramen…
V-MON: Hey, why is it called “Taiwan” ramen if it’s popular in Nagoya?
ARMADIMON: Grk!
PATAMON: Right? If it’s from Nagoya, then it should be called Nagoya ramen!
DAISUKE: You have a point.
TAKERU: I’ve heard that the “fried shrimp” is spoken with a Nagoya twist as if it originated there, but it actually didn’t.
ARMADIMON: Grrrkkk!
IORI: This has always been on my mind, but most of Nagoya’s famous foods are rearrangements of already completed dishes, aren’t they? Take the hitsumabushi, for instance. Why don’t they just call it an eel bowl?
ARMADIMON: Huh?! Not you too, Iori!
TAKERU: Well, if you’re gonna talk about that, then that goes for the miso pork cutlets too.
DAISUKE: Yeah, the pork cutlet is kinda already a dish all on its own.
V-MON: And kishimen is just flattened udon noodles, right?
IORI: Perhaps I shouldn’t be saying this, but I feel that a majority of Nagoya’s food menu is rearrangements of dishes that already exist with extra things added in. In other words, they’re ripoff—
ARMADIMON: REARRANGEMENTS! [pants heavily] Good grief, I wish you wouldn’t speak of such slander, dagya! Nagoya is the great metropolis that very nicely blends the east and west together, dagya!
KEN: Sorry we’re late, guys.
WORMMON: Hello!
TAKERU: Hey, Wormmon! Hello!
DAISUKE: Ken and Wormmon are here!

–

KEN: I see. So that’s what you guys were talking about.
IORI: Do you have an idea of where to go, Ichijouji-san?
KEN: Hmm, well… If I had to choose… Maybe the hot springs?
ALL: Hot springs?
KEN: Yeah! Hot springs are great!
KEN [takes the karaoke mic]: The hot springs *obviously* must have free-flowing water. If possible, I think I’d prefer a quiet, rural flowing hot spring that’s surrounded by a moss-covered garden. Then I want to stay the night at a historical inn that focuses more on tranquility and wabi-sabi rather than wildness or beauty. I’m not looking for a lot on the food options, but the portions should ideally be neither too large nor too small. If we’re just going to relax our bodies, then I’d like it if there was a variety of hot springs to choose from. The water quality that I recommend for the ladies would be the hydrogen carbonate spring or the alkaline simple hot spring (these are otherwise known as simple hot springs with a basic pH of 8.5 or above), but my personal favorite is the hot sulphur spring! Incidentally, the hot sulphur spring is said to treat arteriosclerosis and high blood pressure. If it were possible, I’d like to take my time there… At least stay for two nights! Ahh… Hot springs… Hehehe…
TAKERU: Y–You have some unexpectedly refined tastes!
DAISUKE: I wouldn’t say “refined,” maybe more “obsessive”…
PATAMON: I didn’t understand a single word you just said!
V-MON: Me neither!
WORMMON: Don’t make fun of Ken-chan!
V-MON: Then did *you* know what Ken said?
WORMMON: Hmm… Nope!
ARMADIMON: Dagya!
IORI: A place that has the ocean, mountains, and hot springs… How about Atami?
KEN: Oh, Atami! It’s mostly chloride springs there, but soaking in a colorless, transparent spring would be nice once in awhile!
DAISUKE: Ramen at a hot springs spot, huh…? That’s got its own charm, so I like the sound of that! Refreshing shoyu ramen with naruto on top, a nostalgic flavor that reminds you of times past! Mmm!
TAKERU: Yeah, the hot springs at Atami seem like a good idea!
KEN: If we’re staying at a hot springs inn, then I can recommend a few places there that I regularly visit.
DAISUKE: Regularly visit? What are you, an old man?
TAKERU: But that would certainly help us decide on things quickly.
IORI: Then it’s decided! Our trip destination will be in Ata—
HIKARI: HOLD IT!
TAILMON: It’s premature to be making that decision!
DAISUKE: Hikari-chan!
V-MON: And Tailmon!
TAKERU: When did you two get here?
HIKARI: We’ve been here for awhile!
TAILMON: You were all so absorbed in your conversation that you didn’t notice us come in.
DAISUKE: What are you guys, ninjas?
V-MON: Ninjas? That’s so cool!
TAILMON: I’m not a ninja.
TAKERU: Hikari-chan, since you object, does that mean you don’t like Atami?
HIKARI: It’s not that I dislike Atami, but I thought if we’re going to do this as a group, then it would be best to go to Spain where Miyako-san is!
ALL: Spain?!
DAISUKE: We’re talking overseas now?
TAKERU: Isn’t that a little too high of a reach?
MIYAKO: Not really!
DAISUKE: Whoa, now Miyako is here!
MIYAKO: ¡Hola!
HAWKMON: By the way, I, too, am here!

[Eyecatch]

DAISUKE: Whoa, now Miyako is here!
MIYAKO: ¡Hola!
HAWKMON: By the way, I, too, am here! Also by the way, “¡Hola!” is how you greet others in Spain!
WORMMON: Hawkmon, long time no see!
V-MON: Now we’re all here!
HAWKMON: It’s been a while, everyone.
DAISUKE: Wait, Miyako, didn’t you leave for Spain?
MIYAKO: I did.
TAKERU: You came all the way back here just to meet us?
HAWKMON: Of course! It’s only natural for us to come since you said it was an important meeting.
V-MON: By plane?!
MIYAKO: No way! We used this!
BOYS: The smartphone D-3?
MIYAKO: That’s right! With this, we can open a Digital Gate and go anywhere in the world!
TAILMON: I see! We have that option!
DAISUKE: Which means…
KEN: Yeah. We can go anywhere in the world without taking up time!
V-MON: So that means…?
DAISUKE: It means, we can go anywhere we want in the world!
V-MON: Wow!
KEN: [laughs] Didn’t I just say that?
TAKERU: Anywhere…
IORI: In the world… Without spending money!
PATAMON: Wow, this is amazing! I’m so excited!
MIYAKO: …I feel like you guys are getting hyped about something else.
ARMADIMON: We can go to Nagoya whenever we want, dagya!
[The other Digimon talk excitedly]
HIKARI: I flat-out refuse that idea! Because… I want to visit Spain!
TAILMON: Hikari, I agree. I want to go to Spain as well. If possible, to the Basque region!
MIYAKO: Yeah! In all honesty, Spain is a great place. Their wines are delicious, whether in red or white, and their sangria is the best!
HAWKMON: Um, Miyako-san, we have underage people here.
MIYAKO: All of their foods taste amazing, and if you do an afternoon pub crawl, you can eat all sorts of tapas! Any restaurant you go in has exquisite dishes, and in their street market, you can buy raw ham and seafoods at a reasonable price!
HAWKMON: Miyako-san, you’re getting too worked up about this…
MIYAKO: So, Hikari-chan…!
HIKARI: Yeah! We have to convince the others!
HAWKMON: Miyako-san, you’re ignoring me, aren’t you…
MIYAKO: So… Listen up, everyone!
ALL: Huh?
HIKARI: We’re about to give you a presentation on just how wonderful Spain is!
MIYAKO: So be quiet and listen!

[They take the karaoke mic]

HIKARI: ¡Buenas!
MIYAKO: ¿Cómo estás?
HIKARI: Spain, the country of passion! Spain, the country of delicious gourmet!
TAILMON: Paella! Al ajillo! Spain omelettes!
MIYAKO: Spain, the birthplace of Antoni Gaudí!
HAWKMON: The Sagrada Família, the Park Güell, the Casa Batlló!
MIYAKO: Spain, where there’s the Liga Española!
DAISUKE: [jumps in] Camp Nou, Santiago Bernabéu, San Mamés!

HIKARI: …And you get the idea! Spain has a lot of famous tourist spots and their food, which goes without saying, is incredible!
MIYAKO: Their fruits of the sea and fruits of the land are better than you could ever hope for! Dare I say it, you could even call it the world’s capital for gourmet food!
HIKARI: It’s rich with art museums, and Barcelona has a huge zoo. Not a lot of people know this, but there’s even casinos!
MIYAKO: It’s low humidity there and the air is fresh, so it’s comfortable to live there! Also, the view of the streets is gorgeous!
HIKARI: So…
HIKARI/MIYAKO: Let’s go to Spain, okay?
DAISUKE/KEN/TAKERU/THEIR DIGIMON: Okay!
HIKARI: ¡Gracias!
IORI: …Everyone gave into that pretty quickly.
TAILMON: Then it’s decided! Our destination will be Spain—
ARMADIMON: Hold it, dagya!
TAILMON: Hmm?
ARMADIMON: I’m not letting go of Nagoya, dagya!
TAILMON: What if I said that *we’re* not letting go of Spain?
ARMADIMON: Grrr…
TAILMON: Are you picking a fight with me, Armadimon?
ARMADIMON: What if I said that I was, dagya?
TAILMON: Very well then! I’ll take you on!
DAISUKE: …Uh, what’s with this sudden change in atmosphere?
KEN: Wait, you two!
TAILMON: Hikari!
ARMADIMON: Iori!

[‘Break Up’ music plays]

TAILMON: Tailmon, armor evolve!
ARMADIMON: Armadimon, armor evolve!
TAILMON: The light of smiles…
ARMADIMON: The steel wisdom…
TAKERU: HOLD IT!
ARMADIMON: Huh?
TAKERU: Now hold on a second! If you evolve here, you’ll make a mess of the karaoke room!
ARMADIMON: You’ve got a point, dagya…
TAILMON: Then come outside with me. We’ll settle it there.
ARMADIMON: Bring it on, dagya!
IORI: Wait a moment! I don’t think you need to go that far.
TAILMON: Why not?
IORI: It won’t take any time at all to travel, so we can go to both places.
ARMADIMON: Oh… That’s right, dagya.
TAILMON: But are the rest of you okay with that?
KEN: Of course we are! …As long as we also go to the hot springs.
IORI: In other words… We can spend the night at a hot springs inn at Nagoya, and go to Spain from there.
PATAMON: Hey, then I want to go to the southern islands!
WORMMON: Going to the south in the summer is dull! Since it’s summer in Japan, we should go skiing in Australia!
DAISUKE: Wormmon… How are you going to wear the skis?
TAKERU: If we want to see a beautiful ocean, then why don’t we go to Tahiti? We could try diving there!
MIYAKO: Then I want to go to Taiwan next! The soup dumplings!
KEN: Wormmon, I just looked it up on my phone… If we take a car three hours from Melbourne, there’s a ski resort called Mount Buller.
WORMMON: Really?! Ken-chan, you’re so kind!
DAISUKE: [whispering furiously] No, seriously, how…?
IORI: Then if we go from Nagoya, to Spain, to Australia… What were the other places again?
MIYAKO: Guys, I’m fine with wherever we go, but don’t forget about foreign currency! You can’t buy anything without money.
KEN: Oh, that’s right.
MIYAKO: Especially the American dollar! As long as you have USD, you can rest easy! I mean, even the Digital World uses it!
TAKERU: Do you think we should carry our passports?
MIYAKO: You’ll need it in order to stay at hotels. Also, don’t forget to bring your toothbrush because some hotels don’t provide it depending on where you go.
KEN: Is that true?!
TAKERU: Yeah, it’s pretty common overseas.
V-MON: Hey, then, if we’re traveling overseas, should we bring rice with us?
PATAMON: And pickled plums?
HAWKMON: If you miss Japanese food, then you could just use the D-3 to come back to Japan.
ARMADIMON: We should always be carrying a bag of Yamatoya’s instant ramen with us, dagya!
DAISUKE: Um…
HIKARI: We are definitely going to Spain, okay?
ARMADIMON: We’re all absolutely going to see the Nagoya Castle together, dagya!
MIYAKO: I’ll give you guys the tour of Spain, but… I do like the idea of braised pork rice bowl in Taiwan!
HAWKMON: Miyako-san! If we’re going to Taiwan, then I also recommend its night markets!
PATAMON: Tahiti!
WORMMON: Australia!
ARMADIMON: Nagoya!
DAISUKE: Guys, listen to me!
ALL: Huh?
DAISUKE: My dream is to become a ramen shop owner in the future. I don’t know when I started thinking that way… But when I confided in Ken on my obscure feelings about ramen, he turned to me and said this: ‘If you really want to run a ramen shop, then you should form a concrete plan in order to turn that dream into reality.’
WORMMON: Ken-chan, you told him that?
KEN: Hmm, I might have.
DAISUKE: Hearing those words bowled me over because I was only vaguely thinking about owning a ramen shop. It made me realize that I was naive to think that just thinking about it was going to get me to accomplish it.
TAKERU: Yeah, just thinking about it won’t do anything.
PATAMON: Yep, yep!
DAISUKE: That’s why I circled around the ramen shops in my neighborhood in order to figure out for myself what delicious ramen is supposed to be like. I thought that I was getting somewhere with that, but this time, Iori saw what I was doing and lectured me.
IORI: I said something?
ARMADIMON: You don’t remember, dagya?
IORI: No, not at all.
DAISUKE: Iori said to me, ‘Ramen is deeper than it appears. Do you think you’ll understand it just by eating the ones from your local shops?’ So I studied up on the various ramen from all over the country! Asahikawa ramen from Hokkaido, Sapporo’s miso ramen, Hakodate’s shio ramen, Sendai’s chilled noodles, Fukushima’s kitakata ramen, Kanagawa’s iekei-style ramen, Tokyo’s niboshi ramen, Hachioji’s sweet broth with raw onions, Toyama Black, Wakayama’s tonkotsu-shoyu broth, Fukuoka’s tonkotsu ramen, Nagasaki’s champon noodles!
V-MON: Every kind of ramen was so tasty!
DAISUKE: Then Hikari-chan gave me a regional guidebook, and Miyako told me about the Seishun 18 ticket!^[7]
HIKARI: Oh, that was back when I was getting rid of stuff!
MIYAKO: You should have already known about the Seishun 18 ticket…
DAISUKE: As I traveled throughout the country, eating that region’s local ramen, I began wanting to learn more and more about ramen! I started seeing an albeit vague-but-getting-there idea of what *my* best ramen would be like! But at the same time, it brought to the front an issue of what I was clearly lacking.
KEN: Lacking?
IORI: What would that be?
DAISUKE: Experience. I had absolutely no experience as a chef. That’s why I’m attending a vocational school right now to become a certified chef. I’ll eat and make lots of ramen! I want to know more and more about ramen!
MIYAKO: Oh, I see…
IORI: I’m sorry, Daisuke-san… I had no idea you felt that way and we kept talking about what we wanted…
HAWKMON: So, what you’re saying is, you want to go on a trip not to spend time overseas, but to go somewhere famous for ramen to continue your research, right?
KEN: [smiles] If that’s the case, then why not?
WORMMON: We all love ramen!
PATAMON: I agree!
HIKARI: Seeing you pursue your dreams makes you look kind of cool.
DAISUKE: Huh?! Really?!
TAKERU: Then how about we let Daisuke-kun choose where we should go?
ALL: Okay!
KEN: But in return…
ALL: Huh?
DAISUKE: In return?
KEN: I hope you’ll let us try the ramen that you’ve come up with, Daisuke.
DAISUKE: Yeah, no problem!
[ALL smile]
MIYAKO: So? Where do you want to go?
DAISUKE: Right! So, the place I was thinking of going is…
ALL: ???
DAISUKE: It’s…

DAISUKE: [grabs a mic and yells] NEW YORK!!!
ALL: Why New York (dagya)?

–

　Try to wait a while, ’cause anyone is
　Totally different from yesterday
　Try to look for a while
　Even the silhouette of your profile looks mature
　Hey you, yeah, you
　I get why you feel like wanting to make excuses
　Because if the world is like this,
　Nothing’s gonna get done
　Right! I wanna breathe in
　Now! That feel-good breeze
　So badly, so badly
　Tomorrow my wind will blow
　So keep all the doors in the world open
　Tomorrow my wind will blow
　So that cowardice of yours
　Will be blown away completely
　For a gorgeous life!

–

NARRATOR: The New York City eats! Daisuke and his friends land in NYC, the city of cutting edge gourmet food, in order to research on a new kind of ramen free of preconceived ideas! But what awaited them there was a phone call from an unexpected person. Next up, Digimon Adventure Last Evolution Kizuna! Now, the gate to adventure opens.

–

DAISUKE: Whaaat, after all that, it’s just Ken and Iori?
KEN: Now, now.
IORI: Hikari-san and Takeru-san said they’d join us on the second day.
V-MON: Daisuke, I can’t wait to see New York!
WORMMON: Yeah!
ARMADIMON: Let’s hurry up and eat that ramen dagya!
V-MON: Daisuke!
DAISUKE: Sure! Then let’s get going! Digital Gate open!

[The gate opens]

DAISUKE: Let’s go, guys!
ALL: Yeah!

——————————–
[1] “The castle is the mainstay in Owari, Nagoya” (尾張名古屋は城で持つ) = There are different interpretations of this saying, one of them being that Nagoya is only famous for its Nagoya castle; the castle acts as the main tourist attraction that supports Nagoya financially.
[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shachihoko
[3] Nagoya is filled with highways, sometimes even having as many as five lanes for one direction. Pedestrians often have to use pedestrian bridges in order to cross streets. An example of how wide car lanes are in Nagoya and how much traffic dominates it can be demonstrated on this YouTube video.
[4] “Fwied shwimp” = The comedian Tamori joked about how the Nagoya dialect pronounces “fried shrimp” with a more distinctly nasal, lazy sound, and restauranters in Nagoya ran with the joke to make fried shrimp one of Nagoya’s specialty foods. While it’s hard to translate from the Japanese, the joke was that “ebi furai” (fried shrimp) spoken in Nagoya dialect sounds like “ebifuryaa”.
[5] Kishimen on the train platform = At Nagoya station are many kishimen counters where you can stand while eating. People often stop for a quick bite of this as they are commuting.
[6] Hitsumabushi = In Nagoya, the eel over rice bowl which is called “unajuu” everywhere else, is called “hitsumabushi” because it’s the same dish but with additional condiments.
[7] Seishun 18 Ticket = This is a budget ticket that one can use to travel throughout Japan. Since it’s a known form of travel among citizens, Daisuke really has no excuse for not knowing about it.

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Where to buy this CD: Amazon.JP

——————————–
CAST
Takuya Kanbara : Junko Takeuchi
Kouji Minamoto : Hiroshi Kamiya
Izumi Orimoto : Sawa Ishige
Junpei Shibayama : Michael Shitanda (Masato Amada)
Tomoki Himi : Kumiko Watanabe
Kouichi Kimura : Kenichi Suzumura
Speaker : Masami Kikuchi

STAFF
Producer : Hiromi Seki
Script : Hiro Masaki
Episode Director: Yukio Kaizawa
Acoustics Director/Song Selection : Hiroyuki Kakudou

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1. CD Drama English translation
2. Cast and staff comments translation

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TAKUYA: Digimon Frontier Blu-Ray Box Special Drama CD, “The Train Known as Hope.”

ANNOUNCER: The train will be jolting, so please be careful and hold on.

HIM: Are you awake? You were in a pretty deep sleep. Eh? Meguro? Meguro is already way behind us. Did you miss your stop? You must have been extremely tired. You have a busy schedule, huh? I hope you can relax now that it’s the end of the day.

TAKUYA:　Hey, Tomoki.
TOMOKI:　What is it, Takuya-san?
TAKUYA:　Did you grow taller again? How tall are you now?
TOMOKI:　Um, 180 centimeters.
TAKUYA:　Man! Just the other day, you were only taller than me by a little bit, but you’ve sure shot up now.

HIM:　Those boys in front of us hanging by the train straps. They look like they’re in high school. I wonder what they’re chatting about. Let’s have a listen.

TOMOKI:　I’m sorry.
TAKUYA:　It’s nothing to apologize about. By the way, what did you want to ask my advice on?
TOMOKI:　To tell you the truth… I’m wondering if I should run for student council president.
TAKUYA:　Whoa, that’s amazing, Tomoki!
TOMOKI:　But there is one problem.
TAKUYA:　What’s that?
TOMOKI:　I’m a freshman.
TAKUYA:　Well, duh, I know that already! I’m a third-year.
TOMOKI:　The student council president is usually a second-year.
TAKUYA:　Uh, so is there a school rule or something that says you can’t run for student council president as a first-year?
TOMOKI:　No, there isn’t, but… The thing is, no one has ever done it before.
TAKUYA:　C’mon, no one’s gonna have a problem with it! If they do, I’ll punch their lights out!
TOMOKI:　Takuya-san… Please, anything but that…
TAKUYA:　And Tomoki, I’m surprised at you! Why would you worry about a small thing like that? Doing what no one else has done is the frontier spirit, isn’t it? …Probably.
TOMOKI:　You’re right. Okay then. I’ll apply for the running.
TAKUYA:　Good! Now that that’s done, time for a strategy meeting. First, what are you gonna say as your catchphrase or slogan?
TOMOKI:　I’ve already come up with a slogan.
TAKUYA:　You sure you weren’t planning on running from the start?
TOMOKI:　No, that’s not it. I was thinking about it so I could have it ready for next year.
TAKUYA:　Oh, I see. So, what’s your slogan?
TOMOKI:　”Bullying and mean behavior is unforgivable!”
TAKUYA:　Hey, that’s Chakmon’s signature phrase!
TOMOKI:　Yes. There have been cases of bullying at my school, and as I was thinking on how I’d like to do something about it, I heard those words enter my ears.
TAKUYA:　Maybe it was the voice of Chakmon’s ice spirit.
TOMOKI:　Yeah, maybe. When I told Katsuharu and Teppei about it, they said they’d be glad to help me out.
TAKUYA:　Katsuharu and Teppei… Those are the two guys who were with Angemon in the Digital World, aren’t they? The ones who pushed you into the Trailmon.
TOMOKI:　That’s right.
TAKUYA:　And now you guys are friends, huh?
TOMOKI:　I know that getting rid of bullying isn’t easy. But if my generation can’t do it, then as long as it’s inherited by the next generation and the generation after that, then I’m sure that one day, bullying will be eradicated. I want to keep working on it with that belief in mind. That’s my campaign pledge.
TAKUYA:　Haha! Come to think of it, I remember how you used to say that you wanted to become a hero of justice. How about becoming a politician?
TOMOKI:　I haven’t thought that far ahead yet… But never mind that. Takuya-san, you’ll be continuing soccer even after you graduate, right?
TAKUYA:　Yep!
TOMOKI:　I heard from Izumi-san that you’re going to Italy! Is it Serie A?^[1]
TAKUYA:　Nope, Serie D. Going from top to bottom, it’s A, B, C, and D. D is the fourth-ranked league.
TOMOKI:　That’s amazing!
TAKUYA:　Yep! But I’m not staying satisfied. From there, I’ll keep building up experience, training my physique, improving my technique, and make it to the top league one day!
TOMOKI:　You could do it, Takuya-san. You could definitely do it!
TAKUYA:　To tell you the truth, I have someone that I admire! Maybe you’ve heard of him? It’s Sukehiro Tomita^[2], who graduated from Urawa High School and scored tons of goals in Serie A! I wanna be a soccer player like Tomita one day!
TOMOKI:　Haha. By the way, were you able to master the Italian language? You’ll need to know how to communicate.
TAKUYA:　Uh… well… Not really… In fact… Not at all?
TOMOKI:　Is Izumi-san not teaching you well?
TAKUYA:　It’s not that, she just won’t shut up! She keeps going on at me about “forza, forza”! Ah, “forza” means “do your best”. I don’t need to be told to do my best, I’m already doing it! But there are some things in this world that are impossible no matter how hard you try!
TOMOKI:　What are you saying, Takuya-san?! How could you just call it quits from the start?!
TAKUYA:　U–Uh… Tomoki…
TOMOKI:　Ah… I’m sorry. That sounded bossy.
TAKUYA:　No, it’s fine. You’re right. If I don’t speak the language, they won’t use me in matches. I’ll just have to do it.
TOMOKI:　That’s right! I’ll do my best, so you should do your best too, Takuya-san!

ANNOUNCER:　We are arriving at Azabu-Juuban. The exit will be on the right. [in English] Arriving at Azabu-Juuban.

TAKUYA:　Come to think of it, we kept losing to the Royal Knights and Lucemon in the Digital World so much that we all got fed up with it… But we still kept trying.
TOMOKI:　That’s right. Once you give up, it’s all over.
TAKUYA:　Compared to that, Izumi’s nag attack is no threat!

HIM:　Did you hear that? They just said “Digital World.” Do you want to know what that is? Then let’s switch trains here.

–

ANNOUNCER:　The train from Roppongi to Tochou-mae to Hikarigaoka will be arriving on the second track. Please stand clear of the doors. Please watch the gap between the train and the platform.

JUNPEI:　[singing Italian opera]
IZUMI:　H–Hey… No…
JUNPEI: What? [keeps singing]
IZUMI:　Just… Junpei!
JUNPEI:　[whispers] Is it just a bit too low? [keeps singing, louder]
IZUMI:　Don’t sing inside the train!
JUNPEI:　[keeps singing]
IZUMI:　Ahh… You’re bothering the other passengers!
JUNPEI:　Eh? Oh, c’mon… You were the one who told me to sing, Izumi-chan.
IZUMI:　[hissing] What are you going to do about this? Everyone’s looking at us!
GIRL #1:　[giggling] Who’s that guy? An opera singer? He’s pretty stout, so he looks the part.
GIRL #2:　Never mind that, do you see that girl next to him? It’s her, isn’t it? That reader model^[3] we often see in magazines… Um, what was her name… Oh, right! Izumi Orimoto!
GIRL #1:　Oh my god! I gotta take a photo!

HIM:　Oh? Are you also interested in that reader model and that man who looks like an opera singer? You have good instincts! Let’s listen to what they’re talking about!

IZUMI:　[sighs] In any case, after hearing that song, I can’t believe you were able to get into H.U.^[4]
JUNPEI: I’d sing more properly if I wasn’t inside a train.
IZUMI:　But still, I was surprised that watching Shizuka Arakawa in the Turin Olympics was what made you decide to become an opera singer^[5]. Junpei, you’re surprisingly quite the fanboy.
JUNPEI:　I never said that. I’m training to be an opera singer so that I can have an even closer relationship with Izumi-chan…
IZUMI:　What are you muttering about? If you have something to say, then say it clearly.
JUNPEI:　[loudly] All right! I will! …Izumi-chan, have you decided what to do once you graduate high school?
IZUMI:　I’ll be more or less going to university?
JUNPEI:　Where?
IZUMI:　I haven’t decided that yet.
JUNPEI:　Then why don’t you come to my school?
IZUMI:　H.U. is a bit… Um… Well, for starters, I plan on applying to 4-5 schools that look interesting, then go to whichever among them accepts me based on how I feel at the time.
JUNPEI:　That’s rather leaving it up to the wind, isn’t it? As expected of the former Fairymon.
IZUMI:　Fairymon! What a nostalgic name! Oh, speaking of which, when I was Fairymon in the Digital World…
JUNPEI:　Yeah?
IZUMI:　I could see the different types of wind as colors. Zephyrs were celeste… Sky blue. Tailwinds were arancione… Orange. Headwinds were nero… Black. It wasn’t just colors. I could even hear their tune and smell the scent of the winds… Winds have a lot of different appearances to them.
JUNPEI:　Ooh, I see.
IZUMI:　Even now when I’m feeling the wind, I can kind of tell the sensation of that wind… Maybe Fairymon’s wind spirit is still within me. How about you, Junpei? Do you still remember the sensations from when you were Blitzmon?
JUNPEI:　I… I’m not sure. I don’t remember much about it. In fact, back then I was at my wits’ end all the time, so I never got the chance to sit back and taste what lightning was like.
IZUMI:　What about now?
JUNPEI:　What do you mean “now”? Are you telling me to get electrocuted? I can’t do that, I’ll die!
IZUMI:　[laughs] I see! Lightning is rather troublesome, huh?
JUNPEI:　Heh, yes it is.

HIM:　Those two are talking about the Digital World too. Aren’t you getting more curious?

JUNPEI:　I–Izumi-chan… By the way…
IZUMI:　What?
JUNPEI:　I’ve got something to ask you, as a suggestion. Um… When you’ve been accepted into Uni, Izumi-chan, I have an idea on how to celebrate…
IZUMI:　Wow! Grazie!　Thanks!　What are you planning to give me?
JUNPEI:　It’s not a thing. Um… What do you think about traveling? We can take a trip to Italy and see the Roman Colosseum, the Trevi Fountain, the Blue Grotto in Capri, the Amalfi Coast, and then lastly, we can enjoy opera in Milano’s La Scala!
IZUMI:　Va bene! That’s a great idea! I approve!
JUNPEI:　Yes! I got Izumi-chan’s approval! Khhh, it was worth it to bring out my courage and make a confession!
IZUMI:　If we’re going, then the best time would be during summer vacation when university life has quieted down. Takuya should already be in Italy by then, and Kouji might be able to join us there. Which means the people leaving from here would be me, Junpei, Kouichi, Tomoki, and…
JUNPEI:　U–Um… Izumi-chan? You aren’t thinking of taking everyone along, are you?
IZUMI:　Of course!
JUNPEI:　N–No way! Also, what’s this about Takuya being in Italy? What’s that all about?
IZUMI:　Eh? Junpei, haven’t you heard? Takuya’s joining a soccer team there.
JUNPEI:　No one told me that!
IZUMI:　I see… Oh! I know!
JUNPEI:　What? What?
IZUMI:　Summer vacation and the opening games for the league will happen at the same time, won’t they? Then why don’t we all go to cheer for Takuya?
JUNPEI:　Ehh?!
IZUMI:　Listen. In Italian, “go” means “vai”! Vai! Takuya, vai! Goal! Goal!
JUNPEI:　I–Izumi-chan… You need to keep your voice down in the train…
ANNOUNCER:　Aoyama-Itchome. Aoyama-Itchome.

HIM:　Sounds like they’ve gone off-topic from the Digital World. Let’s get off here and switch trains again.

–

HIM:　Look. There are two boys there. They look similar, don’t they? They’re twins. I’m sure that those two will talk about the Digital World too. Let’s give them a listen.

KOUJI:　You got an A-grade for medical school? That’s amazing, Kouichi! You’re as good as accepted.
KOUICHI:　No, I can’t let my guard down just yet. A mock exam is still a mock exam. Besides, it’s you who is the amazing one, Kouji.
KOUJI:　Huh? What’s so amazing about me?
KOUICHI:　You’re gonna travel around the world! That’s incredible! The scale of that is so huge, I can’t even begin to imagine it.
KOUJI:　Don’t think of it as that big of a deal. If I said it’s more like being a “backpacker,” would you know what that is?
KOUICHI:　Yeah, I can understand “backpacker.”
KOUJI:　I’ll be bringing my smartphone with me, so I’ll send you photos of where I go.
KOUICHI:　Thanks, I’ll be looking forward to it. But even if we’re connected through the internet, it’s kind of sad that we won’t get to see each other for some time.
KOUJI:　… [humming]
KOUICHI:　…What?
KOUJI:　Hey, Kouichi? When you feel sad, just look up.
KOUICHI:　What happens when I look up?
KOUJI:　The sky is connected endlessly. Whenever you’re looking up at the sky, I’m probably looking up too. When you think of it that way, you won’t feel lonely anymore.
KOUICHI:　[smiles] Okay. I’ll do that.
KOUJI:　Oh, but… There is one thing bothering me.
KOUICHI:　What is it?
KOUJI:　Mm…
KOUICHI:　You can tell me anything. If it’s something that I can help with, then I want to help in any way I can.
KOUJI:　Thanks. To tell you the truth, it’s about Mom. She’s a worrywart, so I think she might get herself worked up if I don’t come back home for one or two years.
KOUICHI:　Yeah, that’s a legitimate worry.
KOUJI:　I want to do what I can to make her feel at ease. I know, Kouichi! Why don’t you pretend to be me and go see her once in awhile?
KOUICHI:　Eh? T–That’s…
KOUJI:　Do you not like that idea?
KOUICHI:　No, I’m not against it… I just don’t know if I can pull it off or not…
KOUJI:　Sure you can! Compared to getting into med school, this should be a piece of cake.
KOUICHI:　I don’t know if studying and impersonating someone should be compared at the same level…
KOUJI:　Let’s give it a shot and practice.
KOUICHI:　O–Okay…
KOUJI:　Mom, I’m home! Now you.
KOUICHI:　M–Mom, I’m home.
KOUJI: That’s stiff. Can you say it a bit more cheerfully? Mom, I’m home!
KOUICHI:　Mom, I’m home…　Like that?
KOUJI:　Yeah, like that. But make your voice just slightly louder. Mom, I’m home!
KOUICHI:　Mom, I’m home!
KOUJI:　That’s it! That was perfect!
KOUICHI:　T–Thank goodness…
KOUJI:　The only problem left would be Garm…
KOUICHI:　Garm? What’s that? The Garm in Garmmon?
KOUJI:　Yeah. Garm is the name of my dog. He has a sharp nose, so I dunno if he’ll be fooled easily… He might bark or try to bite you if he knows that you’re not me…
KOUICHI:　…Sorry… I can’t do it after all.
KOUJI:　Ah… N–No, I’m sorry! I took advantage of your kindness and was being pushy…
KOUICHI:　…
KOUJI:　…
KOUICHI:　(*Sigh*… If only I had a little more courage… If only some of Duskmon’s strength still remained in me…)
KOUJI:　(I made Kouichi feel depressed… If I was Wolfmon, I could have brought him light…)

HIM:　What’s the matter? Why are you so surprised? Eh? There’s something behind the twins? …Yeah, there is. Digimon! Those are Digimon you’re seeing! Digimon come as various types, but those two look bigger and stronger than the humans.

WOLFMON:　Hey, Duskmon. Did you hear what Kouichi just said?
LOWEMON:　C’mon, Wolfmon, don’t call me by my old name. I’m Lowemon now.
WOLFMON:　Oh, that’s right. Lowemon.
LOWEMON:　Kouichi is wrong. Duskmon was strong because he was ignorant. He was strong because the only thing that he knew was to fight. All he ever thought about was defeating his opponents.
WOLFMON：　But the truly strong are the compassionate souls. A merciful heart is necessary.
LOWEMON:　It’s Kouichi who is stronger. I know because I’ve been by Kouichi’s side all the time, watching him. I’ve seen how hard Kouichi has been studying to get into med school.
WOLFMON:　I’ll bet he has.
LOWEMON:　It’s not just studying. He’s also been keeping up his part-time job delivering newspapers because he thought that a scholarship alone wasn’t going to be enough. Kouichi is an amazing person. As the Digimon who accompanied him as the Spirit of Darkness, I am very proud of him.
WOLFMON:　Kouji is the same way. He humbles himself, always saying that he still has much to work on, but an uncut gem doesn’t sparkle. By traveling the world, Kouji’s light is sure to shine even brighter. I look forward to that day.

HIM:　The Digimon are saying some nice stuff. Digimon and humans, by journeying together, help each other to grow.

ANNOUNCER:　This train will be going direct on the Tōkyū Den-en-toshi Line running semi-express to Chūō-Rinkan. The next stop is Shibuya. Shibuya. After Shibuya, we will be stopping at Ikejiri-Ōhashi. For transfers, please take the Fukutoshin Line, the JR Line, the Tōkyū Tōyoko Line, or the Keio Inokashira Line. Please remember to take all of your belongings when exiting the train. Thank you for riding the Tokyo Metro Hanzōmon line.

LOWEMON:　Kouichi and his brother are getting off at a later stop, right? Wolfmon.
WOLFMON:　Futako-Tamagawa. But we’ll be getting off here.
LOWEMON:　I know that.

HIM:　Why are you staring into space? You’re getting off too! Follow those Digimon!

–

HIM:　Let’s get on that elevator.

[The sound of an elevator going down]

HIM:　This is your first time in this elevator, right? Where is it headed? To the terminal underground. From there, you will be going to the Digital World. It’s the frontier of the Digimon that you saw earlier. You were able to see the Digimon, right? It’s actually my job to guide people like you to the Digital World. Ah, I haven’t introduced myself yet. I’m Neemon, a Digimon. Nice to meet you.

–

PUMPMON:　Yay, welcome to Shibuya!
GOTSUMON:　The railway train going straight to the Digital World is gonna be departing soon!
WOLFMON:　Who are you guys?
PUMPMON:　I’m Pumpmon!
GOTSUMON:　I’m Gotsumon!
LOWEMON:　You’re in the wrong series!
PUMPMON:　Oh, don’t be such stiffs!
GOTSUMON:　Did you know? Just the other day, one of the staff members was waiting for the pedestrian light at Shibuya, and a young person who was a complete stranger apparently said this!
PUMPMON/GOTSUMON:　”You can’t have Shibuya without Pump and Gotsu!”
PUMPMON:　That makes me so happy! Thank you!
CHAKMON:　[running up] Hey, wait for me!
PUMPMON:　Here’s Chakkamon^[6] who will inspect our tickets!
CHAKMON:　Ahh, it’s so cold! I brought hotpot! I’m gonna light it up now! Click. Click. Huh? I’m out of gas! —Hey, I’m not Chakkamon!
PUMPMON:　Oh, my apologies! Checkmon!
CHAKMON:　Let’s see here, I’m going to check the quality of this merchandise… Oh, it’s good… And the packaging? Not bad… The time of delivery is— I’m not Checkmon either!
PUMPMON:　I know that! Chutneymon!
CHAKMON:　Just as I thought, you can’t have curry without chutney!
FAIRYMON:　…How long are you going to keep doing this, Chakmon?
CHAKMON:　Oh, hello!
GOTSUMON:　Well, well, if it isn’t Lady Fairymon!
FAIRYMON:　Is there no women-only car here?^[7]
GOTSUMON:　Not at this time, unfortunately.
BLITZMON:　It’s okay, Fairymon. I, Blitzmon, will risk my very life to protect you.
PUMPMON:　Whoa, a human power generator! Nice! Like a Digimon stun gun!
BLITZMON:　Oh souls warped by evil desires! My lightning will purify thee!
[Lightning falls and something blows up]
PUMPMON:　Hey, there’s someone within the smoke!
AGNIMON:　[theatrically] Agnimon has arrived!
PUMPMON:　Is he in a period piece?^[8]
AGNIMON:　Quiet all ye! Oh souls corrupted by evil! Do thou not see this family crest of flames?!
PUMPMON:　But why a period piece?
AGNIMON:　If thou dost not know, then listen sharp! I call myself Agnimon, but my old name was different! I was born in Izumo and was originally a miko! I became a performer and put on shows as I journey! My kabuki dancing is world-famous! [in a girlish voice] If you’ve heard of Okunimon, that’s me!
CHAKMON:　Go go, fire lady!
NEEMON:　Allow me to explain! Okunimon is a female performer who is considered to be the originator of kabuki theater. She is a Digimon modeled after Izumo no Okuni.^[9]
AGNIMON:　My recompense be like a fiery chariot^[10]. Pray, would you put a pretty coin in my purse?
FAIRYMON:　[applauding] Wow…
BLITZMON:　What an impressive show!
PUMPMON/GOTSUMON:　Oh man, they’re going along with it!
LOWEMON:　Hm? Wolfmon… What’s the matter? You look like you’re struggling with something.
WOLFMON:　…Hey… Can I make a pervy joke?
ALL:　NO!

[The Trailmon departs]

NEEMON:　Now… At last, it’s time to set off for the Digital World! What sort of world do you think it is? This is so exciting!

GOTSUMON:　Ahh! Oh crap!
PUMPMON:　[banging on the doors] Let us out!
FAIRYMON:　They were so wrapped up in fooling around that they forgot to get off…
BLITZMON:　What a pair of clumsy bunglers.
PUMPMON:　Damn it! If I can’t leave, then I’m gonna make a mess in here! Trick Or Treat!
GOTSUMON:　Angry Rock!
CHAKMON:　Ah… They hit Lowemon.
LOWEMON:　You guys… Mind if I beat you up?^[11]
PUMPMON/GOTSUMON:　E–Eeehhhh?!
LOWEMON:　I can’t hear your answer zansu!^[12]
WOLFMON:　That sounded like a mix of stuff there…

[LOWEMON attacks, breaking a window]

PUMPMON/GOTSUMON:　Ahhh! We’re being sucked outside!
PUMPMON:　Well, everyone, goodbye!
GOTSUMON:　We’ll be going back to Shibuya!
DUSKMON:　Those guys weren’t enough. Is there anyone else here who’s worth defeating?
AGNIMON:　Oh crap. Lowemon’s degenerated into Duskmon! Let’s all put a stop to him! Fire Darts!
WOLFMON:　Licht Sieger!
FAIRYMON:　Brezzo Petalo!
BLITZMON:　Thor Hammer!
CHAKMON:　Icicle Lala!
DUSKMON:　Geist Abend!

[Their attacks fly around everywhere]

WOLFMON:　Hey, guys… I know there’s stuff going on right now, but am I really not allowed to make a pervy joke?
ALL:　NO!

NEEMON:　Look at that. We’re getting further and further away from Shibuya. Now look ahead. That’s the Digital World. The future where you’re meant to go. The frontier of hopes and dreams!

　Throw into the smouldering heart a FIRE!!
　Make your heart fly to the horizon
　Once I’ve kicked up the feeling of running around in circles
　I’m going ahead to the next frontier
　It will be granted! Yes it will! The point of ignition is almost there
　You can do it! Yes you can! Show them your explosion
　Burn up ‘n Go!!
　Jump over these trash cans to the future that’s ahead
　Clad in light, get a fire power!!
　Burn up blazing the might in your eyes
　With unerasable courage, get a fire power!!
　To the frontier full of unknowns
　I’ll keep running “bringing you along”

——————————–
[1] Serie A = One of the best professional football leagues in the world. Serie A through C are professional leagues, while Serie D is a non-professional league. [Link to Wikipedia]
[2] Sukehiro Tomita = Although not an actual soccer player, this man was the screenplay writer for the Digimon Frontier TV series. He did in fact graduate from Urawa High School in Saitama.
[3] Reader model = A “normal, everyday” person who is a model for fashion magazines meant to target the average person. [Link to Wikipedia]
[4] H.U. = Izumi uses the term “HonDai” which is a shortened term for “Hon*** Daigaku” (本大 or Hon*** University). Since, however, no actual “HonDai” exists, I translated it to H.U.
[5] Shizuka Arakawa in the Turin Olympics = This is a reference to Arakawa’s free-skate program during the Turin Olympics in 2006. The song used was “Turandot,” an opera by Giacomo Puccini. [Link to a video of Arakawa’s free-skate program on Youtube]
[6] Chakkamon = “Chakka” (着火) meaning “to ignite”.
[7] Women-only car = Some of Japan’s trains have cars that are designated for women only, in order to decrease cases of sexual harrassment in trains. [Link to Wikipedia]
[8] A period piece = Agnimon’s tone of voice indicates that he is acting in a “jidaigeki,” a period drama set in the Edo period to depict the livelihoods of samurai and people back in the day. [Link to Wikipedia]
[9] Izumo no Okuni = A reference to a real miko who became the originator of kabuki theater. [Link to Wikipedia]
[10] “Like a fiery chariot” = A saying that means your financial situation is tight and you’re in the red. It’s likely that Agnimon here is asking for money for his performance. I translated it literally to keep the “flame” reference for Agnimon.
[11] “You guys… Mind if I beat you up?” = The beginning of the catchphrase said by Ryutaros, a character from Kamen Rider Den-O. He is voiced by the same voice actor, Kenichi Suzumura.
[12] “I can’t hear your answer zansu!” = The second part of Ryutaros’ catchphrase, ending in Iyami’s “zansu” (a character from Osomatsu-san), who is also voiced by Kenichi Suzumura.

——————————–

CAST AND STAFF COMMENTS

TBA

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Translator note: 
Thanks for reading! Did you notice? A lot of things in this drama CD have references to Digimon Frontier's Original Story.

To support this site:

Where to buy this CD: Amazon.JP

Drama CD only comes with first-edition release

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CAST
Guilmon: Nozawa Masako
Matsuda Takato: Tsumura Makoto
Terriermon: Tada Aoi
Li Jian Liang: Yamaguchi Mayumi
Makino Ruki: Orikasa Fumiko
Katou Juri: Asada Youko
Yamaki Mitsuo: Chiba Susumu
Nyx: Fujita Saki (Guest appearance)

STAFF
Producer: Seki Hiromi
Screenplay/Song selection: Konaka Chiaki
Episode direction: Kaizawa Yukio
Acoustics direction: Kakudou Hiroyuki

——————————–

Superscript footnotes are written by Konaka Chiaki from his liner notes included with the Blu-ray release. Subscript footnotes are mine for better understanding of the following translation.

——————————–

1. CD Drama English translation
2. CD Drama outline translation

——————————–

YAMAKI: Back when humans and Digimon worked together to defeat the D-Reaper, the digital world was still a very small place. But now, a majority of the world’s lifestyle communicates through network nodes^[1] and that colossal amount of information has expanded the digital world ad infinitum. In our current standing, mankind must begin to anticipate that, from a place even deeper within the deep net, neither of which mankind can touch, something unimaginable will be born and materialize itself into the real world.

–

TERRIERMON: Ehhh, really?
GUILMON: Yeah, I think so.
TERRIERMON: Well, I want to see Jian and Shaochung soon too, but—
GUILMON: I don’t wanna just sit around waiting for Takato to come to the digital world!
TERRIERMON: But walking around finding them is only gonna tire us out!
GUILMON: [stops] Huh? But you’re not walking, Terriermon. You’ve been sitting on my head this whole time.
TERRIERMON: [jumps down] I can walk, too! I just have to walk a little faster than you so I can keep up.
GUILMON: [sighs and continues to walk] Where do you think Renamon went?
TERRIERMON: It’s strange, isn’t it? We haven’t seen her_[a] for a long time. Besides, Guilmon, back then, if you hadn’t—
GUILMON: Ah!
TERRIERMON: Huh? What?
GUILMON: What… is that?
TERRIERMON: Wai— I can’t see it very well, so I’m climbing up your head again. [jumps up] Wow… That’s a really steep precipe.
GUILMON: Terriermon, didn’t you say that we were at the very bottom of the digital world?
TERRIERMON: From a place even deeper than this one…
GUILMON: Something… Something’s climbing out of there!
TERRIERMON: Guilmon!

–

Wanna be the Biggest Dreamer
Run full speed through today and tomorrow.
Yeah, I’ve just realized,
that I’ve always been forgetting my homework.
It’s one big puzzle, puzzle, puzzle,
“Just who am I?”
Even if my knees hurt from sliding and getting skinned
I know that if I don’t get right back up,
my chances will slip away!
Big and Bigger, Biggest dreamer!
Dreaming is the start of it all,
I’m sure that it’s the answer!
I’ll show you that I can fly further than anyone,
going straight through all of my future days!
Wanna be the Biggest dreamer!
Run full speed through today and tomorrow!

–

TAKATO: Days ~Information and the Unordinary~

TAKATO: Let’s see now… If I do this…
JURI: There you are! Takato-kun!
TAKATO: Ah, Ju– Katou-san!
JURI: Sorry I’m late.
TAKATO: Don’t worry, I wasn’t waiting that long.
JURI: What’s that you’re holding?
TAKATO: Oh, this? It’s called a PDA. My dad got himself a new one, so he gave his old one to me.
JURI: Can you play games on it?
TAKATO: No, there aren’t many games on it. It’s more like an electronic notebook.
JURI: Hmm… Hey, have you seen Lee-kun and Ruki lately?
TAKATO: Now that I think of it, not really…
JURI: It’s harder to meet up when we’re in different middle schools, huh?
TAKATO: Yeah.
[silence]
JURI: Do you think Guilmon and the others are doing well…?
TAKATO: It’s hard to believe that two years have gone by since then…
JURI: [gasps] S–Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up—
TAKATO: It’s fine. Time really does go by quickly. It’s just… I haven’t been able to do anything to help me get closer to seeing Guilmon again… [pause] I wonder what we’d be like as adults?
JURI: Y’know… I think I know what I would be.
TAKATO: Huh?
JURI: I want to be an elementary school teacher!
TAKATO: Wow, that’s amazing! Haha, you mean an elementary school teacher like Asanuma-sensei?
JURI: Haha, how did you know? Do you remember how unmotivated Asanuma-sensei was when she became our homeroom teacher?
TAKATO: Yeah, I remember. But then she changed.
JURI: Yeah. She faced us with more purpose.
TAKATO: How old is Asanuma-sensei now?
JURI: Hmm, I think she’s twenty-eight.
TAKATO: Twenty-eight, huh? I wonder what we’d be like at that age… and what the digital world and real world would be like…
JURI: Well… I’ll be heading home now.
TAKATO: S–Sure, see you tomorrow.
JURI: Bye bye!

–

TAKATO: I always end up coming here again… The place where I hid Guilmon when he first came. [raises his voice] Heeey! [pause] A digital field won’t be showing up here anymore, and yet… Huh? W–What’s that light? It… isn’t a digital field… I’m being sucked in!
[TAKATO bangs into the gate]
TAKATO: Ow! Wai– Wait, I can’t get through these bars! —Eh?! M–My body is changing into light!

–

TAKATO: Huh? Where am I? Am I in the digital world? But it feels different… Heeey!
[A spotlight turns on]
TAKATO: Eh?!
YAMAKI: [through speaker] Sorry to surprise you like that, Takato-kun.
TAKATO: Huh? W–Who are you? Where am I?
[A sealed door opens]
YAMAKI: [through speaker] Come out from that chamber.
TAKATO: [under his breath] Okay…
[TAKATO leaves the chamber]

–

TAKATO: Hey, I am in the digital world!
YAMAKI: Unfortunately, that’s not the case.
TAKATO: Huh? Yamaki-san…? It is you! Yamaki-san, long time no see— wait, what? Why has your hair gone white?
YAMAKI: Hey there, Matsuda Takato-kun. It really has been a long time.
TAKATO: It’s not just your hair… Your face… What on earth happened?
YAMAKI: Do you remember the time when you Tamers, we Hypnos, and Jian’s father with the Wild Bunch worked with the Digimon?
TAKATO: Of course! It was just two years ago.
YAMAKI: [sighs] Yes… Yes, it was… For you.
TAKATO: You mean it’s not?
YAMAKI: After that incident, I resigned from the government and worked for a couple of years as a civilian on long-term forecast of the World Wide Mesh^[2]. However, not too long ago, I was reinstated and the Cybersecurity Act^[3] was passed in 2015.
TAKATO: …Huh?
YAMAKI: This place you see here is Nyx^[4], an organization under the direct control of the Cabinet Secretariat. Heh, it seems that I tend to feel insecure unless I’m working in secret bases like this one.
TAKATO: H–Hold on a second! Um, what year is this?
YAMAKI: Oh, sorry! I heedlessly ending up talking all about myself first. I want you to meet some people who’ve been waiting a long time for you. Please come with me.

–

TAKATO: Ehhhh?!
JIAN: Long time no see, Takato.
RUKI: Ugh, why does Takato get to be young? Heh, have you been well, Takato?
TAKATO: Jian and Ruki…? Why are you adults?!
YAMAKI: I’m sorry to confuse you like this. You’re in the year 2018.
TAKATO: W–Wait… Then, I’m…?

–

TERRIERMON: Hey, Guilmon… We’ve come this far, I think it’s moumantai now…
GUILMON: [slows down, gasping] That place back there was pretty intense, huh?
TERRIERMON: Yeah… but…
GUILMON: Hm? What’s wrong, Terriermon?
TERRIERMON: Don’t quote me on this, but if we rode into that huge rapids or whirlpool-looking thing, maybe we can enter the real world.
GUILMON: Ehhh?! W–We can see Takatomon and the others again?!
TERRIERMON: I just thought it could happen…
GUILMON: Then let’s go back!

VOICE: Don’t go there.
TERRIERMON: Huh?
GUILMON: W–Who are you? Where is your voice coming from?
VOICE: You’ll find out one day. Listen to me, Guilmon, Terriermon. When you hear a voice calling your names, head towards that instead…
[The VOICE fades]
TERRIERMON: Who do you think that was?
GUILMON: Hmm… Mmmm… I had this feeling that it’s a voice I know_[b]…
TERRIERMON: Huh? Who?
GUILMON: Mmmm…… Hehe, I don’t know.
TERRIERMON: Droop.

–

TAKATO: Um, so that means… Jian and Ruki are twenty-eight years old right now? You guys look really grown-up, but at the same time, it’s like you haven’t changed…
JIAN: After I graduated from Stanford University, I stayed in America to research the Digimon. Of course, it was all so we could see Terriermon and the others again.
YAMAKI: I asked him as a big favor to return here.
TAKATO: I see… What about you, Ruki? What have you been doing?
RUKI: Me? Um… When I entered university, my mom forced me to work as a model. But I got easily bored with it, so I did freestyle motocross instead. I guess challenging others is what I like most.
TAKATO: Wow… W–Wait a second. Then what about me? Me in 2018—
JIAN: The Takato that we know said that he couldn’t stand just waiting around until Guilmon came back, so he went off to travel the world.
RUKI: Juri’s been waiting for Takato for a really long time.
TAKATO: Eh?
YAMAKI: Last year, you suddenly disappeared from the real world without a trace. Nyx is in absolute need of the Tamers’ help, and having Matsuda Takato around is particularly essential. However, you disappeared.
TAKATO: Ehhhhhhh?!

–

CHILD: Katou-sensei! Goodbye!
JURI: Goodbye! Be careful on your way home!
CHILD: Okay!
JURI: Guilmon’s home… I always end up coming back here again… I come here thinking that, maybe today, you’ll be back home… Takato, where are you? Wherever you are, you’re safe, right? I’ll be waiting for you.

–
EYECATCH
–

YAMAKI: At around 2001, Hypnos, from within the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Office building, was destroyed by the D-Reaper. However, the equipment there would have been quickly outdated anyway. During these last 17 years, the digital world has perfectly overlapped with the real world, with the digital world growing far more massive.
JIAN: The digital world that we once journeyed through has been completely transformed.
TAKATO: W–What about the Digimon?
JIAN: They’re there, of course! Because Yamaki-san made contact with me, I was able to devote my research efforts to Nyx here.
TAKATO: Is this device what brought me from where I came from?
YAMAKI: Yes. It’s still in the testing phase, but it’s finally begun operation this year. This is the realization system called the Re-Animator.
TAKATO: “Realization”?
RUKI: But I still don’t understand why Takato showed up as a middle school kid.
YAMAKI: Hmm… I suppose there’s no other way to interpret this than that this form had the highest bio-parameters in the digital world. The Re-Animator could only scan your information from the year 2003.
TAKATO: Huh? So, I’m not really me? But— Ouch! What was that for, Ruki?!
[RUKI laughs]
JIAN: [laughs] Ruki, you’re horrible.
TAKATO: Don’t tug other people’s cheeks out of nowhere!
RUKI: But it hurts, so that proves you have a physical body. You’ve Realized perfectly, so don’t worry.
TAKATO: Huh? —Oh, I see. I guess this is like the time when Guilmon first appeared in our world.
RUKI: Aww, this Takato is so small and cute! [pats TAKATO’s head]
TAKATO: S–Stop that!
[Alarm bells ring]
NYX: Warning. A digital zone has been detected in Shinjuku skies.
TAKATO: W–What’s going on?
YAMAKI: This is the reason why we need you and your Digimon’s help. Activate Terminal Defender!
NYX: Terminal Defender activated.
TAKATO: What’s happening?

–

JURI: Eh? Wha— The sky just suddenly—

–

NYX: Warning. Transfer displacement taking place in West Shinjuku skies above Nyx. Interference with digital world.
YAMAKI: Analyze.
NYX: I believe it to be a portal. Linkage to digital world confirmed. Materialization of matter detected.
TAKATO: W–What’s coming?
YAMAKI: I don’t know what form it will take, but we do know its true nature. That thing is a form of pure malice, a stand-alone created from inside the digital world’s deep zone… The Malice Bot_[c].
TAKATO: …!
JIAN: Ugh, that was faster than I expected. It’s already made contact with the real world.
RUKI: What exactly is the Malice Bot? Is it stronger than the D-Reaper?
YAMAKI: The D-Reaper wouldn’t even compare.
RUKI: Eh?!
YAMAKI: If you described the digital world during the time of the D-Reaper’s attack to be as big as the solar system, then this one is as big as the Milky Way. Soon, singularity^[7]… the technological singularity will fall upon us. It won’t be just AI affected. All technological environments created by man will attempt to surpass mankind’s imaginations. However, unlike the D-Reaper, I anticipated that native intelligence from the Deep Mesh would come to invade the real world.
TAKATO: Eh… Wai—
JIAN: I made the same prediction when I was researching in the NSA^[5].
RUKI: Then we’ll just have to fight it.
JIAN: The D-Reaper was big scale, but it was basically a simple program. But the Malice Bot has a mind that differs from a regular human’s.
YAMAKI: What’s more, its origin comes from mankind’s malicious intent. Calling it the clichéd “demon” wouldn’t even cover how bad it is.
TAKATO: And that’s why we had to come together again.
JIAN: Yes. And what we need… are our partners.
RUKI: But how will we get Renamon and the others to com— [gasps] This Re-Animator!
YAMAKI: Yes. In the past, the Digimon Realized into the real world with the help of the Digi-gnomes, who are fickle and thus unreliable. However, our current technology can make what was impossible in the past into a reality.
TAKATO: You can do it?
YAMAKI: A nanotechnology called foglets^[6] has advanced to make materialization possible. We’ll load their data into the foglets of that chamber that you came from. That’s how the Re-Animator works.
TAKATO: Then, you can bring Guilmon and the others here?
JIAN: It brought you here, Takato, so I think it’s possible.
YAMAKI: But the data itself isn’t enough. If we want to summon them from the digital world, we need you, their Tamers, to set off the transistor.
RUKI: In other words… We need a strong desire to call them here, right?
TAKATO: Okay. I’ll do it!
NYX: Portal has reached its global maximum. Materialization process has begun.
YAMAKI: Put these on your heads.
TAKATO: Huh?
RUKI: What is this? A VR headset?
JIAN: Don’t complain. Yamaki-san, send us the signal.
TAKATO: Oh, I’m starting to see something.
JIAN: This thing acts as a virtual machine for the D-Ark functions and the Blue card parameters. Search for your Digimon… Think strongly about the Digimon you want to find… Now, here we go!
NYX: Re-Animator booting up. Quantum supremacy^[8] at maximum.

TAKATO: Guilmon.
JIAN: Terriermon.
RUKI: Renamon… please!

GUILMON: Huh? A tunnel suddenly appeared in front of us.
TERRIERMON: Ughhh, weird stuff keeps happening!
TAKATO: Guilmon!
GUILMON: Takatomon!
JIAN: Terriermon!
TERRIERMON: That’s Jian!
RUKI: Renamon! Hurry up and get here!
TERRIERMON: Renamon isn’t here…
GUILMON: That voice before said that when our name is called, to run towards the one calling us, right?
TERRIERMON: It’s coming from the other side of this tunnel.
GUILMON: Let’s go!
TERRIERMON: Ah, wait! Wait for me!

–

YAMAKI: Release the foglets.
NYX: Releasing foglets. Re-Animator power activating.
JIAN: Terriermon…
TAKATO: So this is how I got here. Guilmon!
NYX: Re-Animator Realizing two bodies.
RUKI: Two?
NYX: Type, Digimon.
JIAN: Yes!
TAKATO: They look like fog, I can’t see them! [takes off headset]
NYX: Gateway is opening.
TAKATO: Guilmon!
RUKI: Wait! I’m coming too!

TAKATO: Guilmon!
GUILMON: Takato!
TAKATO: Guilmon! Guilmon!
TERRIERMON: Jian!
JIAN: There’s Terriermon!
RUKI: And Renamon?!
GUILMON: Yay, it’s Takato!
TAKATO: You’re heavy, Guilmon!
TERRIERMON: Yay! Jian!
JIAN: Terriermon!
RUKI: Eh? Renamon? Where’s Renamon?
TERRIERMON: Well… Renamon apparently disappeared from the digital world a while back.
RUKI: What?
JIAN: Then could she be in the real world?
TERRIERMON: I don’t know…
GUILMON: Huh? Takato isn’t different at all, but Jian and Ruki have gotten bigger!
JIAN: Y–Yeah, I’ll explain that later. Yamaki-san.
YAMAKI: Yes. Guilmon, Terriermon. I need your help again. The enemy has already appeared above us, in our skies!
NYX: Materialization of Malice Bot in progress. Materialization of Malice Bot in progress.

–

JURI: What’s happening? A square hole appeared in the sky…

–

TERRIERMON: Is a bad guy trying to come out from that square zone, Jian?
JIAN: Yes. Terriermon, will you face it with me?
TERRIERMON: O~kay! It’s been a while since I’ve gone wild!
TAKATO: Guilmon, I’m sorry to do this to you right when we’ve met again.
GUILMON: We can play lots later!
TAKATO: Haha, even you seem to have grown up a little, Guilmon.
JIAN: Takato! Ruki! Let’s go!
TAKATO: Yeah!
RUKI: Renamon, where are you? You’re not here and I can’t stand it!

–

JURI: Ah! The hexagonal building^[9] is rising up!
TAKATO: Wow, this acted as an elevator?
JURI: Ah… T–Takato?!
TAKATO: K–Katou-san!
JURI: Why… How… You’re the same as you were in the past…?
TAKATO: U–Uh, sorry! I don’t know much about this either! I’ll explain everything later, so could you wait right now?
JURI: Huh?

JIAN: Ugh!
YAMAKI: The Malice Bot is coming out of the portal!
JIAN: I think it’s gonna be gigantic…
RUKI: It doesn’t have a clear shape. How do we attack this?
[MALICE BOT roars]
TAKATO: Its voice is killing my ears!
RUKI: Just from its voice…
JIAN: The buildings are shaking! It’s ultra low frequency! At this rate, all of Shinjuku will be obliterated!
TERRIERMON: Well, taking quick action leads to victory. Petit Twister!
GUILMON: Okay… Fireball!
TAKATO: You got it, Guilmon!
JIAN: Wait, you’re just burning down what’s around you! There’s still more of the Malice Bot!
TAKATO: Damn it… Child levels won’t work, huh?
GUILMON: That’s not true, Takato!
JIAN: But…
RUKI: What are you guys doing? Your Tamers, aren’t you?!
JIAN: That’s… a Digimon card!
TAKATO: But we don’t have the D-Ark.
RUKI: Heh, scan it with a smartphone.
TAKATO: Smartphone?
[RUKI tosses TAKATO her smartphone]
RUKI: Use that.
TAKATO: Oh, so it’s like a PDA?
JIAN: Ruki, the card!

JIAN: Scanning! Card Slash! Terriermon! Take it!
TERRIERMON: Okay! Blazing Fire!

TAKATO: I got this. Ruki, give me the card! Scanning! Card Slash! Guilmon!
GUILMON: I got it, Takato! Crimson Sword_[d]!

TAKATO: You did it!
YAMAKI: That attack just now gave it damage! Its power is decreasing!
[MALICE BOT moans]
JIAN: What an incredible voice…
RUKI: Is it crying…? [gasps] No way! What is that?!
JIAN: It can’t be…
TERRIERMON: Renamon? Is that Renamon?
TAKATO: The Malice Bot is Renamon?
YAMAKI: W–Wait! This could be a trap!
GUILMON: What do we do, Takato?
TAKATO: What do we do…?
RUKI: RENAMON!

–

The paleness of the sky and the blur of the day’s light
are endless.
I am unable to tell apart the excuses and lies
in these repetitious days.
I simply exist here,
questioning the meaning of my life.
Without saying a word, you stayed by my side
and gave me a smile.
Entangled with love and the ordinary,
bury this heart of mine with kisses.
Embrace me so tightly from now on
so that I may break.
Closer, much, much closer…

–

[“Next Episode Preview” music plays]
TAKATO: Where is the real Renamon? And where in the world is myself in 2018? It looks like we Tamers, rejoined with Hirokazu and Kenta, will have to go on another journey. Guilmon, the two of us will evolve too! Next episode– I don’t know if we’ll have one or not, but I’m sure there will be one! “Digimon Tamers 2018”! You, too, can be a Tamer!

——————————–
[1] Node = While the word itself means “intersection,” in network lingo it means the computer pathway or server.
[2] World Wide Mesh = The future of the web takes the form of a “mesh.”
[3] Cybersecurity Act = This law actually exists in Japan.
[4] Nyx = The name of the organization “Hypnos” was the name of “the god of sleep” in Greek mythology. The name of Yamaki’s newly established organization “Nyx” is the name of “the god of night” that Hypnos gave birth to. Nyx is managed by an AI, and responds with a synthesized voice. It’s (probably not) a coincidence that it’s a voice that everyone loves.
[5] NSA = The National Security Bureau in America, which Jian is affiliated with. In 2013, Edward Snowden disclosed their mass surveillance of civilians. Of course, their primary objective is to protect its citizens.
[6] Foglets = A term coined by J. Storrs Hall, a molecular nanotechnology researcher, to indicate nanobot utility fog. However, currently, it is only at the stage where it is anticipated to contribute to MR (mixed reality), the extension of AR (augmented reality). Its use of Realization and Materialization in this CD Drama is fiction.
[7] Singularity = The word indicates technological singularity, but it was first used by a science fiction writer. Ray Kurzweil made the hopeful prediction that when AI surpasses human knowledge, mankind itself and its mode of life would grow rapidly. Naturally, there are scientists who take the opposite view and predict a dystopia.
[8] Quantum supremacy = While I was writing the third draft of this scenario (pretty much the final draft), a news report was published that a computer developed by Google gained rapid knowledge with this type of technology.
[9] Hexagonal building = One of the icons of Shinjuku Central Park, the Old Yodobashi Water Treatment Plant Rokkakudo. It appeared in Tamers episode 8.
*Digimon are genderless in the Tamers universe, but for the sake of easy reading, I’ve forced on pronouns.
**The mysterious voice is spoken through a filter, so it is meant to be unidentifiable. However its speech pattern is distinctly male-inclined.
***Spoken as “malice bot,” which I take to mean is a form of “malicious bot.”
****Konaka has revealed on his Twitter that “Crimson Sword” (Kurenai-maru) is a sword that Guilmon uses, an idea which was not implemented during the TV series.

——————————–

Source tweet by Konaka
“Digimon Tamers” Blu-Ray Box Special Drama CD
Digimon Tamers 2018 (Tentative title)
Outline
by Chiaki J. Konaka
2017/08/03

【Basic settings】
Timeslot: Year 2004 (2 years after series’ ending) with Takato and Juri
↓
Takato arrives in the year 2018 (present time) and fights with Guilmon and others to prevent danger.

If I make the setting take place 2 years after, it’s an old series that’s more than 15 years old, so the feeling that it’s a story that has come too late is strong. Even if I followed in the footsteps of “tri,” whose story takes place in 2005 (3 years after the original series), I feel that it wouldn’t help.
If I’m going to make a story “now,” then I want to depict Tamers in a realistic sense.
Even so, it’s impossible to expect Tsumura Makoto-san to voice a 28-year-old male.
That’s why I will make it into a story about middle schooler Takato appearing in the present time.

【Appearing characters】
Matsuda Takato (age 14)     CV: Tsumura Makoto
(age 28)      ?
He studies to become an I.T. researcher because he wants to see Guilmon again, but because he can’t sit still, he travels the world looking for a digital field. He is engaged to Juri. In 2018, his whereabouts outside the country are lost.

Katou Juri (age 14)     CV: Asada Youko
She becomes a teacher who teaches at Yodobashi elementary school. She has plans to marry Takato when he returns home.

Li Jian Liang (age 28)      CV: Yamaguchi Mayumi
Goes to Stanford U and works at the NSA’s advanced research division.

Makino Ruki (age 28)      CV: Orikasa Fumiko
She debuts as a fashion model because of her mother’s strong hopes, but has become a FMX (freestyle motocross) rider that does games with boys.

Guilmon      CV: Nosawa Masako
Terriermon      CV: Tada Aoi
Renamon      — (Put as absent)
The Digimon aren’t any different from their original setting.

Yamaki Mitsuo      CV: Chiba Susumu
He retired to a civilian job, but by the government’s orders he becomes leader of Nyx, an organization that predicts and suppresses digital hazards.

【Setting】
The series depicted a real reflection of the internet that existed in 2001 at the time of broadcast（officially though, it’s not specified what year and set to the year 200x). If I was to create a story again “now” with the internet (digital world) motif, then I believe that I should be addressing the internet’s “current” and “future” conditions.

The “singularity” that is said to arrive in the year 2045 is said to be the turning point of artificial intelligence surpassing mankind, and researchers from every country are considering how to welcome this (this much is truth).
However, in truth, the singularity has already begun in the year 2018.
The network (digital world) has already begun to overlap with reality (real world), and all sorts of people are using it unconsciously.
However, in the Deep Net, the depths of the internet where normal people can’t enter, an abnormality has occurred. A bot program that initially had simple actions abruptly evolves into “pure evil malice,” and it begins to affect the real world.

Yamaki, who once led the MEXT’s network surveillance organization, researches the singularity in a civilian organization after the series’ ending, which is where he senses the Malice Bot’s presence. He negotiates with the government and establishes a facility that will oppose it. However, the effects of the Malice Bot have already begun to invade the real world. Yamaki decides that the only ones who can defy it are the Digimon, and summons the young folk who were once Tamers.
However, Takato is the only one whose location is unknown…

【Synopsis】
TV anime format with length of 22 minutes, broken into parts A and B. No narration.

†　OP “The Biggest Dreamer” TV Size

† Subtitle Call “Days -Information and the Unordinary-

† A-part
○ Year 2004
Takato and Juri are 2nd years at Yodobashi Jr. High. They’re an innocent couple that’s still at the stage of just walking home together after school. They haven’t seen much of Jian and Ruki lately, since Jian has gone to a private prep school and Ruki attends Kagurazaka’s All-Girls College’s middle school section. Takato still remembers his adventures with Guilmon and the others as if it were only yesterday, but feels the loneliness of having separated from Guilmon.
The topic turns to what they’ll be doing in the future, and Juri reveals that she is vaguely thinking about wanting to be a teacher. Takato… has a lot of things that he wants to be, but for now, what he really wants most of all is to see Guilmon again.
As they wonder what they would be like as adults, they both go to their own homes.

○ Central Park
Takato gets curious and approaches the Shinjuku Central Park that had Guilmon’s Home. He peers into the tunnel, but as he expects, does not see a digital field (an electromagnetic field that Realizes Digimon). Disappointed, he’s about to go home… when he faintly hears Guilmon’s voice.
“Takato, come here!”
“Eh?!”
Just then! All of a sudden, a time-space whirlpool with terrible suction abruptly erupts there.
“Uwaaaaaah!”
Takato is sucked into the whirlpool and taken somewhere far away…

○ Takato wakes up in darkness
Takato thinks that he’s come to the digital world again, but that isn’t the case. He is in the center of a gigantic chamber. The room surrounding it looks like a large-scale experiment facility of some kind. He hears a familiar voice.
“Takato-kun, you’ve come.”
“Eh?! Yamaki-san…?”
When he opens the giant, thick door, he sees standing there a man who’s past middle age. It is without a doubt Yamaki Mitsuo, but aged-looking with gray hair.
“Come with me. There are people who wish to see you.”

They’re in Nyx’s* control room, a dreadnought communications facility built deep underneath Central Park.
Takato is led by Yamaki into a brightly lit room, where an adult man and woman are waiting.
“Eh…”
“Long time no see, Takato.”
“Why does Takato get to be young? Are you well, Takato?”
Takato can’t believe it. They are adult Jian and Ruki.
“What’s going on?”
“It’s the year 2018. You must be confused, but the truth is, we still don’t understand what’s going on either.”

Yamaki’s explanation
After the fight with Digimon + human VS D-Reaper, the real world and digital world briefly normalized, and the digital world grew even bigger due to the rapid development of communications and phone equipment. Now, all sorts of children and even old people use the digital world unconsciously.
However, the digital world wasn’t simply expanding its surface side. The deepest depths in the network used by humans was also expanding. An autonomous “pure evil” program called the Malice Bot slipped into those depths to gain complete control over it, and has already begun to break down the barrier between the digital world and real world. Although right now the extent of it being traced are it being recorded in photos and videos uploaded to social media, Yamaki anticipated that it would soon advance into a force even more destructive than the D-Reaper and, by the request of the government, built an intervention organization. This was Nyx.
Humans alone cannot oppose the Malice Bot. Now is the time to borrow the power of the Digimon. Yamaki calls together the Tamers to re-group. Jian is working in the NSA (America’s security bureau), but he has also predicted the threat of the Malice Bot and answers to Yamaki’s call. Ruki had put distance between herself and the digital world, but thinks that her true nature is being a Tamer and answers his call. Hirokazu and Kenta will also join in shortly.
However… No one knew where Takato was.
“We don’t know where 2018 Takato is.”
Takato is astounded.

*Nyx: In Greek mythology, it is the name of the “Goddess of night” that gives birth to Hypnos (the god of sleep). Originally it had a straight-laced name of “Office affiliated with Ministry of Internal Affairs and Communications” but when Yamaki was invited on board, he renamed it to fit his eight-grade syndrome sense. It is, in reality, a post-Hypnos.

† Eyecatch (only once)

† B-part
○ Nyx Control Room
In 2017, Takato hated just waiting for the Digimon to appear again, and goes off saying that he wants to travel the world. He promises Juri that when he comes back, they will marry. However, Takato’s whereabouts suddenly disappear.
Nyx’s quantum transporter “Re-Animator” is still in its testing stage, but Yamaki continues to spearhead its construction as a system to Realize Digimon. They give it a test run in response to Juri’s wish to call up Takato, but for some reason, 14-year-old Takato from the year 2004 appears instead.
“Does this mean, then, that I’ve time-traveled?”
“No… I don’t think it’s just simply time-traveling.”
This 2018 isn’t simply the world as it is 16 years after Takato’s 2004. It appears to be one of many parallel worlds. Apparently the “Mandela Effect” of a different parallel world’s mutual interference was occurring. This was also due to the effect of the Malice Bot.

○ 2018 Shinjuku
Juri, now a teacher, prays for Takato’s safety wherever he is.
Just then, a strange whirlpool begins to develop in Shinjuku’s skies. The high-rise buildings begin to warp.

○ Nyx
The Malice Bot begins to invade quicker than expected. The radio signals in Shinjuku area have already been cut off, and the digital world begins to overlap with the real world.
Nyx is protected by a strict Faraday cage, but its security will be broken with time. The only ones who can defy the Malice Bot are Digimon who are friends with humans.
Yamaki, Jian, and Ruki boot up the still incomplete Re-Animator. Takato watches, holding his breath in fear.
Within that tremendous anxiety—
“Fufufufufu~~n, heeeey!”
“T–Terriermon…”
“Ah, Guilmon is here too!!”
Takato rejoices at reuniting with Guilmon, who bursts through the door.
“Where’s Renamon…?”
“We don’t know where Renamon is right now~”
Ruki’s face turns pensive.

Rumble rumble rumble!

Nyx’s defense is being broken down. The Malice Bot’s target is them, unsurprisingly.
“What are you guys doing, Takato! Guilmon! Hit back!”
At Ruki’s voice, Takato comes to his senses.
“Let’s go!”
Guilmon and Terriermon jump out of Nyx and face the Malice Bot which has now become an enormous monster.
However, they are no match as Child levels.
Ruki: “Use this card!”
Ruki throws a card at Takato and Jian.
Card Slash! Matrix Evolution!
They evolve to Perfect levels Growlmon and Galgomon! Then they charge!!!!

† Ending “Days -Love and the Ordinary” (Thanks Version 1)
(Full chorus: h Digimon Tamers single best parade recording)

† Next Episode Preview (joke)
Takato: “At last, the Digimon Tamers re-group! Where could Renamon be?! If everyone wishes for it, you just might be able to see it: “Digimon Tamers 2020″! You, too, can be a Tamer!”

† Sponsor background music
“Days -Love and the Ordinary-” (Instrumental Short)

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——————————–
CAST
Karamatsu Matsuno : Yuuichi Nakamura
Todomatsu Matsuno : Miyu Irino
Totoko Yowai : Aya Endou

——————————–
TRACKS
01: もしもカラ松とトド松がホストだったら　～前編～
02: もしもカラ松とトド松がホストだったら　～後編～
03: フリートーク（中村悠一＆入野自由＆遠藤 綾）

——————————–
TRACK 01: If Karamatsu and Todomatsu Were Hosts ~Part 1~
KARAMATSU: Osomatsu-san Sextuplets’ Work Experience Dramatsu CD Series.
TODOMATSU: Volume 6, Karamatsu & Todomatsu: “Hosts.”

TOTOKO: Host clubs. They are a one-night castle where dreams are given and men bloom. Now, it has come, the “I am the most popular guy in all of Japan, but let’s grab the pinnacle of host position” contest! AKA, the “I am butt” contest! [1] Here at Kabukicho’s Club Hijirisawa, we have two people fighting for the spot as number one host! They are!
KARAMATSU: Heh! It’s me.
TOTOKO: The second son Karamatsu, who is wholly rumored to be the walking embodiment of pain dressed in clothing! Even in summer heat, he refuses to put away his leather jacket! His me-ism is at absolute zero! Up against him is!
TODOMATSU: Haha! Ciao!
TOTOKO: The sixth son Todomatsu, a pink angel from hell whose slyness is world-class! He’s good at getting others to pamper him and getting on in the world. He possesses superior talent at appearing to compliment others when he’s actually dissing them! His feminine skills are the best in town! Now, you two, a comment on how you feel about this match, if you will.
KARAMATSU: Heh. Todomatsu. Maybe it’s best for you to forfeit while you still have the chance. If you remember your place now, I’ll make the fact that you got out of line a good memory–
TODOMATSU: Karamatsu-niisan, you need to learn to face reality. There are no Karamatsu Girls~ They’re a figment of your imagination~ It hurts~
TOTOKO: An ugly fight between siblings right off the bat! I feel that no matter who wins or loses, all that will be left is damage! Nevertheless, for the sake of believing themselves to be popular, the two will now compete! The “I am butt” contest begins!
[Fireworks shoot into the distance and a crowd cheers]
TOTOKO: I, Totoko, will be your host. And our commentator for today is…
TOTOKO: Me, Totoko!
KARAMATSU/TODOMATSU: Eh? Two positions at once?
TOTOKO: Mademoiselle Totoko, who spends the money that the fish store earns on hosts and was once called the jewel of Kabukichou! Just by taking one step, I am surrounded by hosts!
KARAMATSU: Oooohhh! / TODOMATSU: Huh?
TOTOKO: By taking two steps, I’m given rolls of banknotes!
KARAMATSU: Oooohhh! / TODOMATSU: Ehh?
TOTOKO: And by taking three steps, they all prostrate before me!
KARAMATSU: Oooohhh! / TODOMATSU: Wha–
TOTOKO: Is there anyone other than I who is fit to judge this contest?
KARAMATSU: No, there is not.
TODOMATSU: You are fit for the position.
TOTOKO: Now then, for the first round. As a host, you must naturally be able to do this– The seduction round! You must comfort a girl who is crying for a certain reason. If you manage to make her stop crying without a hitch, you win one point!
KARAMATSU: Heh, that’s my specialty.
TOTOKO: Now, who will be the first host to step up?
TODOMATSU: [raises arm] Me!
TOTOKO: Okay, Contestant Todomatsu! That was fast.
TODOMATSU: Sorry, but I’m going first. Or rather, Karamatsu-niisan, you won’t have a chance after my turn, so there’s no meaning in arguing who goes first or second.
KARAMATSU: Let’s see how your true abilities shine.

KARAMATSU: If Todomatsu was a Host.

[TOTOKO cries]
TODOMATSU: Hey, do you know the flower meaning for this flower?
TOTOKO: Eh?
TODOMATSU: The flower meaning for mimulus is “Show me your smile.”
TOTOKO: What a beautiful color…
TODOMATSU: Hehe, you finally smiled. I love your smile.
KARAMATSU: Hmm. Starting with the flower meaning, he makes his “I love you” attack. This sure hits the body.
TODOMATSU: What’s wrong? If you’re okay with it, tell me why you’re crying.
TOTOKO: …But…
TODOMATSU: Just do as I say. Let me spoil you.
KARAMATSU: And from his position as the younger brother, he unexpectedly brings out a masculine side! Heh! As a rival, you’ve got no inadequacies. Todomatsu, you… are beautiful. ☆
TOTOKO: My boss told me to sell all of these pines and not come back until I’ve done so. But I haven’t been able to sell any of them… It was so cold out there… So lonely…
TODOMATSU: I see… You’re a Pine-selling girl. But, as you would expect in this era, I don’t think that pines will sell.
TOTOKO: It was then that I heard from the advertising boy outside that newcomers get to drink all they want for their first two hours at only 3,000 yen so I ended up wandering in here… I’m so useless…
TODOMATSU: No, you’re not useless, Totoko-chan! I think it was destiny that you came here, to Club Hijirisawa, and requested for me.
TOTOKO: Destiny?
TODOMATSU: I’ll teach you a magic spell. When you chant it, you’ll turn into a princess at once.
TOTOKO: A magic spell? I can become a princess?
TODOMATSU: Yeah! Are you ready? Listen carefully! …”Champagne Call.”
TOTOKO: I’ll chant it! I’ll become a princess! Champagne Caaaaaaall!
TODOMATSU: We have a Champagne Call here! A wonderful…
KARAMATSU: Wonderful!
TODOMATSU: Princess!
KARAMATSU: Princess!
TODOMATSU: Has made the champagne call! Champagne, champagne, champagne, champage, we have a request for champagne here!
KARAMATSU/TODOMATSU: Hurraaaaaay!
[A champagne bottle is opened]
TOTOKO: Kyaaaaaah! I’m a princess!
TODOMATSU: Hehe, that’s right. A host club is a magical place. The more money you spend, the more you shine. Now, let’s do the best to make you shine brightest in the entire world!
TOTOKO: I’ll throw in even more! Bring me the priciest alcohol you’ve got here! Hahahaha hahahaha hahahahahahaha!
TODOMATSU: …That should be enough. It’s your turn now, Karamatsu-niisan. You can forfeit if you think you can’t do it.
KARAMATSU: [claps] You did well, my brother. However… However, Todomatsu. You’ve overlooked the most important part. I’ll show you how a real–
TODOMATSU: If Karamatsu was a Host!

[TOTOKO cries]
KARAMATSU: [sings] I love you, you are–
TOTOKO: Ah, no singing please.
KARAMATSU: O–Oh… Hmm… “The pitch-black darkness of the night was so black that I couldn’t see anything–”
TOTOKO: No quoting song lyrics either. This is Contestant Karamatsu’s second penalty! If you hit three, I’ll rip it off.
TODOMATSU: Rip what off?!
KARAMATSU: Knngghh… Right now, I am a fallen angel whose had one of his wings plucked off!
TOTOKO: Ah, wait, no painful lines either, if you would.
KARAMATSU: It’s all right, Karamatsu Girl! I will be the only one who will remain by your side, protecting you! Yes… Even if the entire world turns against me!
TOTOKO: I want to be loved, so I won’t be with someone who has the whole world against him.
KARAMATSU: I know that~ You and I~ Are the only two people in this world~ Two lonely hearts attracted to each other! Yes! This is the shape of our love! Now, let’s jump off together! Fly Away!
TOTOKO: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
TODOMATSU: What is this? He’s so painful that Totoko-chan stopped crying. Is this possible?!
KARAMATSU: Now, let us depart to that paradise meant only for the two of us! Go To Heaven! Yes! I Am Pan! Now, I shall sing! “If–”
TODOMATSU: Third penalty and he’s been disqualified. He may be my brother but this is horrible. This is painful.
KARAMATSU: Don’t stop me… My soul wants to sing…!
TOTOKO: That was your third penalty, now I’ll rip it off.
KARAMATSU: Eh? W–W–Wait, no! Are you serious? …There?! That’s what you’re ripping off?! N–No, no, no, really, don’t do that! Ah! You can’t rip that off!

[KARAMATSU sobs quietly]
TOTOKO: Now then! The first round has been won by Contestant Todomatsu, with his magnificent combo technique, by 7 points! His opponent, Contestant Karamatsu, with penalties incurred, has won -18,950 points!
KARAMATSU: Kghhh! A start from rock bottom! But I wouldn’t have it any other way!
TOTOKO: With that painful statement, he’s dropped a further -735 points!
TODOMATSU: Eh? This difference in points between us is huge and we’re still playing? The winner seems pretty clear, doesn’t it??
KARAMATSU: I rise up in the face of adversity. Yes! That is my Justice!
TOTOKO: Contestant Karamatsu falls an additional -2,950 points! With that, we will continue into the second half!

[1] The title that Totoko said only took the first and last words (“zen” and “ra”) to say “zenra” which means “butt naked.” I tried to stay true to that idea.

——————————–
TRACK 02: If Karamatsu and Todomatsu Were Hosts ~Part 2~
KARAMATSU/TODOMATSU: Dramatsu!

TOTOKO: The “I am the most popular guy in all of Japan, but let’s grab the pinnacle of host position” contest! AKA, the “I am butt” contest! This fight between Contestants Karamatsu and Todomatsu, a combination that’s not even worth a contest, has begun! I feel that the winner is already clear, so let’s keep going! Second round– The drinking round!
TODOMATSU: Let’s see, then, I’ll get… a sangria!
TOTOKO: Aww, Totty, a sangria? That’s so cute!
KARAMATSU: A man’s choice would be quietly drinking bourbon on the rocks.
TODOMATSU: Aww, Karapippi, you’re gonna drink that in one shot? That’s so manly!
KARAMATSU: Eh? S–Sure… Alcohol is like a mother’s milk to me. Heh. Here I go. [drinks and falls over]
TOTOKO: Contestant Karamatsu goes down, giving Contestant Todomatsu a complete victory!
TODOMATSU: Yep, Karamatsu-niisan is such a lightweight that he even gets drunk from barley tea.
TOTOKO: Please drink your alcohol responsibly in reasonable quantities. Next up, the third round– The lucky underwear round!
TODOMATSU: Ehhh? This is embarrassing… You’re the only one I’ll show it to, okay? [strips] …But now that you’ve seen it, I’ll have you take responsibility.
TOTOKO: What’s this? Despite what Contestant Todomatsu’s outer appearance would have you assume, he is wearing aggressive underwear! [as commentator] I’m a dainty girl who can only carry five stacked styrofoam boxes filled with ice and fish, with each box weighing 15 kilograms, on my shoulders, so this masculine approach strikes my heart! Iyaaan~ I want to strip the cabbage of a rolled cabbage boy!
KARAMATSU: Heh! [strips]
TOTOKO: [uninterested] Haaa, a fundoshi. I see.
KARAMATSU: You sound so unexcited!
TOTOKO: Totoko loses her excitement, giving Contestant Todomatsu a complete victory! Fourth round– The finishing line round!
TODOMATSU: Let’s drink together! But when I drink with you, I feel so at ease that I get drunk…
KARAMATSU: Would you be… my wallet?
[Sound of TODOMATSU winning]
TOTOKO: Fifth round– The cooking round!
TODOMATSU: I’ve made omurice!
KARAMATSU: Hold on for just a moment! I’ll go catch a tuna right now! What’s more, it’ll be the Pacific bluefin tuna!
[Sound of TODOMATSU winning]
TOTOKO: Sixth round– The painting round!
[Sound of TODOMATSU winning]
TOTOKO: Seventh round– The mochi-eating round!
[Sound of TODOMATSU winning]
TOTOKO: Eighth round!
[Sound of TODOMATSU winning]
TOTOKO: Ninth round!
[Sound of TODOMATSU winning]
TOTOKO: Ten!
[Sound of TODOMATSU winning]
TOTOKO: At last, we’ve reached the last round!
[TODOMATSU and KARAMATSU breathe heavily]
TODOMATSU: How long is this?
KARAMATSU: Long-distance swimming from Madagascar… That one was tough…
TOTOKO: The score so far is Contestant Todomatsu at 135 points! His abilities have overwhelmingly kept the competition at bay! To be honest, it’s enough to make some people wonder if he really was born among those sextuplets!
TODOMATSU: I actually wonder about that, too.
TOTOKO: In comparison, Contestant Karamatsu is also overwhelming!
KARAMATSU: Heh! I haven’t even shown a granule of a piece of my serious mode.
TOTOKO: 102,700,130,000 points… below zero! That’s almost the same number as Japan’s population!
TODOMATSU: Nothing less from Karamatsu-niisan!
KARAMATSU: Now THAT’S overwhelming!
TOTOKO: But not to worry! The number of points given for the last round will be 480 trillion! You’ll be able to recover in one shot!
TODOMATSU: Shouldn’t we have just done the last round then?! What need was there for all those rounds before it?!
KARAMATSU: Now THAT’S overwhelming!!
TOTOKO: The topic for the last round is…
[Drumroll]
TOTOKO: Take Down Mademoiselle Totoko! Mademoiselle Totoko appears suddenly at Club Hijirisawa! Wherever she walks, the corpses of hosts appear behind her! Not even shepherd’s purse weeds dare to grow there!
TODOMATSU: You ARE talking about yourself, right…?
KARAMATSU: [gulps] How many hosts were sacrificed…?
TOTOKO: Whether you win this round or not will be determined by how well you satisfy her, up to the point she leaves! Now, begin!

TODOMATSU: Wow, you came! I’m so happy!
TOTOKO: Eh? This is my first time coming here…
TODOMATSU: Huh? Really? Oh, I see! I’m sorry! I don’t feel like this is the first time we’ve met. Hehe, maybe we already knew each other before we were even born.
TOTOKO: …
TODOMATSU: What’s wrong?
TOTOKO: Cheap. Not even otome games these days say cliched lines like that. Don’t treat me like those little kitties with easy guards that you’ve been seeing all this time.
TODOMATSU: W–What is this aura? She’s clearly different from the Totoko-chan that I knew a few minutes ago.
KARAMATSU: She’s like a female leopard!
TODOMATSU: No, I can’t crack here! I–I’m Todomatsu. It’s nice to meet you.
TOTOKO: So? Who’s that posing in a bathrobe while carrying a brandy glass?
KARAMATSU: I’m Karamatsu. The outfield is whispering at me to shine more.
TOTOKO: Todomatsu-kun and Karamatsu-kun, got it.
TODOMATSU: She ignored Karamatsu-niisan’s painfulness! She’s good!
TOTOKO: If you entertain me to my heart’s content… Let’s see… The priciest alcohol here…
TODOMATSU: Eh? You’ll buy a bottle of it–?
TOTOKO: I’ll buy enough of it to make a champagne tower, how’s that?
TODOMATSU: No way! One bottle is 4 million yen!
KARAMATSU: Fish stores sure are prosperous!
TOTOKO: Oh? Are you scared? How hopeless. Then I’ll create an opportunity for you. [in a cute voice] I’ve been worrying over something lately…
TODOMATSU: Worrying? [to himself] This lead-in seems easy enough, but it’s got plenty of taboos. I have to avoid getting into real topics like white hairs or wrinkles… I know! [out loud] Hey, you must be tired these days. I love seeing that hardworking side of yours, but you do make me a bit worried. Shall I massage your shoulders? I may not look like it, but I’m good at massages.
KARAMATSU: Hmm…
[Pause]
KARAMATSU: Don’t worry. No matter what sort of boobs you have, I will love them.
TODOMATSU: Karamatsu-niisan, are you an idiot?! Do you WANT to die?!
TOTOKO: Hm. I like that.
TODOMATSU: You LIKE that?!
TOTOKO: You’re a funny one. Once you’ve seen all of the hosts in the nation as I have, they all start looking the same. Among them, you are slightly different.
TODOMATSU: Doesn’t that just mean he’s not fit to be a host?!
KARAMATSU: The era has finally caught up to me, has it!
TOTOKO: My worry is that, despite how long it’s been, I have yet to reunite with that man. You two know the owner of this club, don’t you? I’ve been going to host clubs just so I can see him again.
TODOMATSU: Eh? Do you know the owner?
KARAMATSU: I have a rule not to remember the names of small fries.
TOTOKO: You idiot! When I talk about the owner of Club Hijirisawa, it can be no other than that legendary host, Hijirisawa Shounosuke!
TODOMATSU: Hijirisawa…
KARAMATSU: Shounosuke… You mean…?!
TOTOKO: You know of him, then? That’s good. If you didn’t know who Hijirisawa-sama was, I would have made you bungee-jump with a gourd tied to your back.
TODOMATSU: He’s that amazing?
TOTOKO: He’s the man who changed Japanese history. I wonder where he is and what he’s doing now…
TODOMATSU: (I can’t tell her that we fished him out of the fish pond the other day…)
KARAMATSU: (I can’t tell her that Jyushimatsu took him home and put him up as a decoration…)
TOTOKO: I want to see him again… If that’s not possible, then I want to raise the next host Hijirisawa, Hijirisawa-sama’s successor, by my own hands! That is my lifetime dream. That’s what this “I am butt” contest is for!
TODOMATSU: Wait… Eh? By “pinnacle of host position,” you mean…?!
KARAMATSU: Are you serious?! Then… if I win this contest, I’ll become Hijirisawa Shounosuke…?
KARAMATSU/TODOMATSU: ANYTHING BUT THAT!
TOTOKO: Now, you two! Are you prepared to take Hijirisawa-sama’s place?
TODOMATSU: No, ma’am.
KARAMATSU: I mean, it’s too big of a weight, and like, I wasn’t aiming that far in the first place…
TOTOKO: Eh?
TODOMATSU: Now that I think about it, neither of us really fit this job anyway…
KARAMATSU: It would be better working a more serious job.
KARAMATSU/TODOMATSU: So, that’s that!

TOTOKO: Host clubs. They are a one-night castle where dreams are given and men bloom. Host clubs. They are a one-night castle where women gather to find love. Today, just like any other day, a new dream bloomed before scattering away. The end.

——————————–
TRACK 03: Free Talk Corner (Yuuichi Nakamura & Miyu Irino & Aya Endou)

To be updated…

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Where to buy this CD: Amazon.JP, CDJapan

——————————–
CAST
Jyushimatsu Matsuno : Daisuke Ono
Todomatsu Matsuno : Miyu Irino

——————————–
TRACKS
01: もしもトド松が警察官だったら　～警察官：トド松／容疑者：十四松～
02: もしも十四松が警察官だったら　～警察官：十四松／容疑者：トド松～
03: フリートーク（小野大輔＆入野自由）

——————————–
TRACK 01: If Todomatsu Was A Policeman ~Policeman: Todomatsu/ Suspect: Jyushimatsu~
JYUSHIMATSU: Osomatsu-san Sextuplets’ Work Experience Dramatsu CD Series.
TODOMATSU: Volume 5, Jyushimatsu & Todomatsu: “Policemen.” If Todomatsu was a Cop.

JYUSHIMATSU: Wow, there are so many patrol cars! The red lamps look so sparkly! Hahaha, look!
TODOMATSU: Of course there are, we’re at a police station in a certain town.
JYUSHIMATSU: White! Black!
TODOMATSU: Well, they’re patrol cars.
JYUSHIMATSU: Huh? Could it be… They’re Transforming patrol cars?! That’s so cool!
TODOMATSU: The masked kind, maybe?
JYUSHIMATSU: Hey, hey, what about ambulances?! Fire trucks??!
TODOMATSU: It’s a police station.
JYUSHIMATSU: What about taxis?!
TODOMATSU: Yeah, look, it’ll make me happy if you could pipe down.
JYUSHIMATSU: I can’t pipe down! This is making me so excited! [runs around imitating police car alarms] Wooo, wooo! Pii poo pii poo! Wan wan wan wan wan! [stops] Hey, where’s Taka?
TODOMATSU: He’s not here.
JYUSHIMATSU: What about Toshi?
TODOMATSU: You mean Yuuji! [1]
JYUSHIMATSU: Are they post-recording?!
TODOMATSU: You mean the OVA.
JYUSHIMATSU: Are Washi and Match doing something dangerous somewhere, you think? Like running around butt-naked?!
TODOMATSU: That certainly is dangerous.
JYUSHIMATSU: Metal clinking! Ah, look, look! The sunset looks so beautiful! Awhooo! The sun is so pretty! Awhooo! Sun! Can you hear me, Boss? Ahhh!
TODOMATSU: Hey, hey, hey, stop being so noisy!
JYUSHIMATSU: What about Cormo? Will he get to meet his wife? “My gray-colored mitochondria is whispering~~”
TODOMATSU: …I think I’ll leave him alone for a bit. I’ll be corking, so let me know when you’ve calmed down, okay? Corking, corking.
JYUSHIMATSU: Hahaha, that cop over there is shooting all over the place in high spirits! I wish I could do that too! Let me! Let me shoot, too! Bang bang, bang, bang– Bwehh bwehh! W–What the hell is thisssss… I’ve always wanted to try that scene! Hey, but that means I got shot instead! Hahahaha! [gets serious] Now then. You called yourself Todomatsu, did you?
TODOMATSU: Ah, have you calmed down?
JYUSHIMATSU: Table bang! Why did you do that? Spit out all your contents! If you don’t… I will! [throws up]
TODOMATSU: Uwah, you’re the worst. You should die.
JYUSHIMATSU: What was that?
TODOMATSU: Eh, did I say something?
JYUSHIMATSU: What did you say?
TODOMATSU: Ehe, I’m sorry! ☆
JYUSHIMATSU: If all you had to say was “sorry,” there would be no need for the police!
TODOMATSU: Yes, sir~
JYUSHIMATSU: You said to my face… That you would be corking?!
TODOMATSU: You’re going even further back in the conversation then the part when I told you to die?
JYUSHIMATSU: What’s corking?!
TODOMATSU: Well, according to this dictionary here… It’s a type of knitting where you use stockinette stitch with synthetic thread to form an elastic tube… Never mind that, I’m the cop here, okay?! YOU’RE the suspect! I’m the one asking the questions!
JYUSHIMATSU: Oh, I see~ I’m hungry~ You should bring out the katsudon now. [2]
TODOMATSU: Are you satisfied with corking now?
JYUSHIMATSU: Corking? Do you mean Alfee? I don’t care about the Resistance! I’m talking about eel served over rice here! Go and get takeout already! I want miso ramen!
TODOMATSU: Ehh… But I haven’t even started interrogating you or anything yet… And you’re okay with ramen…
JYUSHIMATSU: You miser. Fine, water.
TODOMATSU: You’re okay with water, huh? [pours a cup] Here you go– Ah!
[The water spills]
TODOMATSU: Ahhhhh! I tripped and the cup flew out of my hands onto Suspect Jyushimatsu’s crotch! The cup fell on his crotch! The water inside the cup fell on his crotch! His crotch is soaking wet! Suspect Jyushimatsu’s crotch is soaking wet, as if he wet himself! …But you’ll dry off right away.
JYUSHIMATSU: I look like I wet myself! Look what you did! Are you kidding?!– But actually, this is lucky. I’ve been holding down the urge to go to the toilet all this time, then just when I wet myself, the water fell on me so now I can pretend that’s what it was, I’m so lucky!
TODOMATSU: You probably intended to keep that to yourself, but you’re saying all of it out loud.
JYUSHIMATSU: It’s fine, it’s fine, don’t worry about it!
TODOMATSU: You’re very positive. Can I interrogate you now?
JYUSHIMATSU: Okay! Play ball! First round of the first half inning, with Detective Todomatsu on the offense.
TODOMATSU: This isn’t baseball.
JYUSHIMATSU: Don’t worry about the details! You’ll shave years off your life that way.
TODOMATSU: You appear to be the kind of person who will live a long life.
JYUSHIMATSU: Really?! Yay! Tomorrow will be a home run!
TODOMATSU: Now then, starting over…
JYUSHIMATSU: [starts swinging with a bat] Hnngh! Hnngh! Hnngh!
TODOMATSU: [coughs] STARTING OVER.
JYUSHIMATSU: Hnngh! H-Hnngh?
TODOMATSU: [coughs] Jyushimatsu-san. I’ve been a detective for a long time now, but this sort of incident is the first that I’ve ever seen. The name of the case: “Pigeon Food in the Park.” When feeding bread crumbs to the pigeons, a suspicious man ate them all.
JYUSHIMATSU: What an unbelievable case! Stealing food from the pigeons is unforgivable! That man must have been really hungry! Ah, did you know that bread crumbs are actually pretty tasty, even though it makes your mouth dry?! Ahaha! [starts cooing like a pigeon] Coo coo! Coo coo! Pigeons sure must have it nice! They look like they don’t have to think at all!
TODOMATSU: So do you.
JYUSHIMATSU: Aww, you’re making me blush! Enough with the compliments! Hey, did you know that pigeons can turn their heads around a whole lot? About 360 degrees.
TODOMATSU: They can’t turn their heads 360 degrees!
JYUSHIMATSU: Yes, they can!
TODOMATSU: No, no, no!
JYUSHIMATSU: Yes, they can!
TODOMATSU: Ehh, that can’t be! Prove it, then!
JYUSHIMATSU: Okay, watch me, watch me, watch me. They move their heads like this… [moves his head] Coo coo! Coo coo! Coo coo! Coo coo! And here, they turn around– Ackk! [JYUSHIMATSU falls off his chair]
TODOMATSU: Ah, he died.
JYUSHIMATSU: Don’t kill me off!
TODOMATSU: Whoaaa, he’s still alive!
JYUSHIMATSU: Ah! Huh? I can see behind me very well! But I can’t see in front!
TODOMATSU: Your head has turned over 180 degrees. I’ll continue interrogating you then, alright?
JYUSHIMATSU: Sure!
TODOMATSU: Jyushimatsu-san, you have a lot of vitality.
JYUSHIMATSU: Aw, don’t make me blush! I’m like a cockroach, right?
TODOMATSU: You said it yourself! Amazing!
JYUSHIMATSU: Amazing, right?! Ahahaha!
TODOMATSU: Why did you eat the pigeons’ food? Did you not have money?
JYUSHIMATSU: [bangs the table] If I had money, I wouldn’t be eating bread crumbs!!!
TODOMATSU: So you have common sense there.
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehe, I’m a man full of common sense.
TODOMATSU: A man full of common sense wouldn’t eat pigeon food.
JYUSHIMATSU: How dare you determine how I feel when it’s my taxes setting your table! Whose taxes do you think are feeding you?!
TODOMATSU: Are you paying your taxes?
JYUSHIMATSU: What are taxes?!
TODOMATSU: We’re starting from there?!
JYUSHIMATSU: By the way… Mom said she’d pay my penision.
TODOMATSU: Do you mean pension?
JYUSHIMATSU: I have no worries for one hundred years! I’m a well-to-do young man!
TODOMATSU: How about getting a job, huh?
JYUSHIMATSU: [bangs the table] I ate the pigeons’ food because I don’t want to work!!!
TODOMATSU: Ugh, I’m getting confused! What a pain in the ass this is! I’ll just write some random thing on the report for the prosecutor and kick this guy out… Has your crotch dried up?
JYUSHIMATSU: Eh? …Ah! I’m wet.
TODOMATSU: You don’t remember?!
JYUSHIMATSU: W–Why? Did I… wet myself? H–How embarrassing… But I’m such a naive person…
TODOMATSU: I don’t think you’re using that word correctly.
JYUSHIMATSU: Ahem, ahem. Detective… People make mistakes, right? There is no one who’s never made a mistake. So I ask that only people who have never made a mistake to cast the first stone–
TODOMATSU: [throws stones] ‘Ey! ‘Ey!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hey! Stop! Don’t throw stones! Ouch! Could you please– Stop, stop! Stop that!
TODOMATSU: But you just said that whoever has never made a mistake to throw stones at you.
JYUSHIMATSU: Have you never made a mistake before?!
TODOMATSU: Never.
JYUSHIMATSU: Uwaaah, this guy is SCARY. He’s crazy. He’s dangerous. He’s dangerous! I can tell by the look in his eyes, this guy is serious. His eyes are serious! His eyes are so sparkly! His eyes are so glassy! Such big eyes that appear to suck me into them! Those eyes gaze at me! What is this heart-throbbing feeling? What is this fast heart-quickening? Watching this guy’s eyes builds up something within me! What beautiful eyes… Detective Todomatsu… Yes. Without thinking, I grasped Detective Todomatsu’s hand.
TODOMATSU: Wow, what is this. This is gross.
JYUSHIMATSU: Detective– No. Todomatsu. Your hand… is really smooth.
TODOMATSU: I always put hand cream on them every night before bed.
JYUSHIMATSU: Ahh, it’s like velvet… Like silk.
TODOMATSU: Your hand is very rough.
JYUSHIMATSU: Y-Yeah… Velvety… Like silk…
TODOMATSU: R-Right…
JYUSHIMATSU: Rough… This feeling…
TODOMATSU: Is very familiar…
JYUSHIMATSU: My…
TODOMATSU: My…
JYUSHIMATSU/TODOMATSU: Memories of a summer long, long ago revive… When I was still a young boy, in a meadow…

JYUSHIMATSU: Ahahahaha!
TODOMATSU: Ahahahaha!
JYUSHIMATSU: Todomatsu! Catch me if you can!
TODOMATSU: Wait for me, Jyushimatsu-niisan!
JYUSHIMATSU: Ahaha! Ahaha! Ahahahaha!
TODOMATSU: Ahaha! Ahaha! Ahahahaha!
JYUSHIMATSU: Todomatsu! Look! It’s a cliff!
TODOMATSU: It’s a cliff, Jyushimatsu-niisan!
JYUSHIMATSU: Did you know? Humans can run in the air!
TODOMATSU: Really?!
JYUSHIMATSU: Yes, really! Before your leg reaches the ground, you bring up your other leg. Then before THAT leg reaches the ground, you bring up the other leg! Simple, right? Try it!
TODOMATSU: So simple! It doesn’t sound like it could work physically at all, but I’ll try it! Haha! Since Jyushimatsu-niisan tells me to do it, I’ll listen to him! Haha! I’ll try it!
JYUSHIMATSU: Haha! Go run off of that cliff!
TODOMATSU: Okay! Here I go!
[TODOMATSU jumps off]
JYUSHIMATSU: He flew! All right, Todomatsu!
TODOMATSU: Ahhhhhhhh!
JYUSHIMATSU: He fell! All right, Todomatsu!
TODOMATSU: [falls into the water and is carried away] Niisan! Niisan!
JYUSHIMATSU: ……Why? Why?! Why did this happen?! God, you are cruel! You took my precious… precious little brother from me… Todomatsu… Rest in peace…

TODOMATSU: It can’t be… Jyushimatsu-niisan?
JYUSHIMATSU: [gasps] Todomatsu! It was you?!
TODOMATSU: [starts crying] I missed you!
JYUSHIMATSU: So did I! I thought you were dead– Or rather, I forgot that you’d even existed, so I didn’t remember you even when I heard your name.
TODOMATSU: I almost died because of you, but I got adopted by a rich family and lived a luxurious life getting everything I asked for! I went to an escalator school that went up to university and graduated as a cop! I’m a career man, whose only path is going up! My future is complete! I’m on life’s winning team!
JYUSHIMATSU: Great news!
TODOMATSU: But that was horrible, what you did, Niisan! Humans can’t run in the air! You lied to me!
JYUSHIMATSU: I’m really sorry about that! I’m sorry.
TODOMATSU: Niisan…… If all you had to say was “sorry,” there would be no need for the police.
JYUSHIMATSU: AS AN APOLOGY, I WILL GO AND DIE NOW!

[1] “Taka and Toshi” are a owarai duo who once did a skit about a policeman and a very obvious criminal. “Taka and Yuuji” are two detectives in the action series ‘Abunai Deka.’
[2] It’s a stereotype that police feed katsudon to suspects during interrogation.

——————————–
TRACK 02: If Jyushimatsu Was A Policeman ~Policeman: Jyushimatsu/ Suspect: Todomatsu~
JYUSHIMATSU/TODOMATSU: Dramatsu!

JYUSHIMATSU: If Jyushimatsu was a Cop.

JYUSHIMATSU: Why did you do it– Uh… uh… Todomatsu, was it?! Do you know what you’ve done?!
TODOMATSU: I’m sorry.
JYUSHIMATSU: If all you had to do was apologize, we wouldn’t need cops!
TODOMATSU: Okay, sir! …By the way, Detective Jyushimatsu, why am I being held for questioning?
JYUSHIMATSU: Because you met my gaze!
TODOMATSU: Are you a stray dog?!
JYUSHIMATSU: Don’t, you’re making me blush.
TODOMATSU: I’m not– …That’s right, I AM complimenting you! It makes… It makes you look kind of nice! Like a really accomplished detective!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehehe, oh, really?
TODOMATSU: This detective is an idiot, probably. No, definitely. I’ll just deal with him and scram out of here. Um… Detective Jyushimatsu?
JYUSHIMATSU: What?
TODOMATSU: You’re really cool! You must be extremely exceptional at your job, always showing plenty of results!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hmm… I won’t fall for that hand.
TODOMATSU: What hand?
JYUSHIMATSU: The right hand! No, left hand! You may be planning to butter me up and make me get full of myself so that you can use it as a chance to escape from here, but that’s not happening.
TODOMATSU: Wow, nothing less from you! No wonder you’re so exceptional!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehehe, right? Right?
TODOMATSU: Even your taste in clothing is good.
JYUSHIMATSU: Three shirts only cost me 2,000 yen!
TODOMATSU: The idea of sneakers with a suit is also nice!
JYUSHIMATSU: [runs in place] They’re easy to run in!
TODOMATSU: You’re the cop among cops!
JYUSHIMATSU: More!
TODOMATSU: You’re wonderful!
JYUSHIMATSU: And?
TODOMATSU: Shining!
JYUSHIMATSU: In Japanese!
TODOMATSU: Kagayaiteru!
JYUSHIMATSU: What else?
TODOMATSU: Et cetera!
JYUSHIMATSU: Nice!
TODOMATSU: Detective Jyushimatsu, you have so many wonderful aspects about you that I can’t express them into words in this short allotted time!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehehe, I see, I see! You know value when you see it!
TODOMATSU: Oh, not to that extent! [stands up] Well then, I’ll be going now.
JYUSHIMATSU: Sure, be careful out there!
[TODOMATSU walks out]
JYUSHIMATSU: He was a nice guy! And then there’s me, the super excellent cop! [hums out loud, pleased]

[JYUSHIMATSU bangs the table]
JYUSHIMATSU: You got me good last time, but this time it won’t happen again!
TODOMATSU: It’s been a while, Detective Jyushimatsu.
JYUSHIMATSU: Don’t underestimate me! You won’t be able to pull a fast one on me that easy!
TODOMATSU: You’re amazing!
JYUSHIMATSU: Huh?
TODOMATSU: You realized in ONLY three months that I deceived you so that you could let me escape!
JYUSHIMATSU: I–Is that so?
TODOMATSU: Yes! I thought you wouldn’t realize the truth for the rest of your life. And yet… and yet, it was just under THREE months! I was selling you short.
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehehe, right?
TODOMATSU: You are indeed the cop among cops– No! The KING of cops!
JYUSHIMATSu: Oh, not to that extent!
TODOMATSU: But it IS to that extent! Have more confidence in yourself!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehehe, no, I’m not falling for that!
TODOMATSU: I’m not setting you up! These are my true feelings. You’ve impressed me from the depths of my heart. You’re an amazing cop! An excellent cop! Ah… ahh! C–Could it be that you’ll even become the next partner?! [1]
JYUSHIMATSU: The next partner… Eh? You mean, HIS partner?!
TODOMATSU: Yes! You MUST be! You would be the perfect partner for him!
JYUSHIMATSU: His partner, huh… His partner! I see! It’s me!
TODOMATSU: It’s a good time for that to be considered, isn’t it? That’s right! The time has come!
JYUSHIMATSU: THAT is true! THAT is true! Yes! It’s true!
TODOMATSU: Yes, it’s true! I swear it’s true!
JYUSHIMATSU: Maybe I’ll even become slightly popular!
TODOMATSU: It won’t be slightly, you’ll be MASSIVELY popular! The entire nation– No, the entire WORLD will know who you are! Hey there, superstar!
JYUSHIMATSU: Superstar!
TODOMATSU: It’s perfect for you!
JYUSHIMATSU: You’re a great guy!
TODOMATSU: Not at all! I’m just a guy who knows how to get on in the world!
JYUSHIMATSU: Don’t be so humble! Have more confidence in yourself!
TODOMATSU: Yes, sir! Thank you! I’ll be going now!
JYUSHIMATSU: ‘Kay! Be careful!
[TODOMATSU walks out]
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehehe, that man’s partner, huh? Hahaha… All right! Tomorrow’s gonna be a home run! Wait for me, U*yo-san! U-kyooooo!

[JYUSHIMATSU bangs the table]
JYUSHIMATSU: What’s the meaning of this?! I didn’t end up as his partner! It wasn’t me! It was someone else with an M-shaped hairline! You liar! How dare you trick me! You are a fiend! A FIEND!
TODOMATSU: It sure was a shame. The two of you appeared to be fighting for the position of his partner, but– with a slight difference in touch?– Detective Jyushimatsu didn’t make the cut. Maybe because you didn’t have the M-shaped hairline?
JYUSHIMATSU: Kghhh!
TODOMATSU: Don’t worry, next time the person who will be his partner, Detective Jyushimatsu, is you.
JYUSHIMATSU: That won’t work anymore! I won’t let you go this time until you’ve spilled everything!
TODOMATSU: I don’t exactly know what I’m supposed to be “spilling” anyway…
JYUSHIMATSU: Then I’ll just have to question your body.
TODOMATSU: My body?
JYUSHIMATSU: Despite what you may say on the surface, it’s your body that’s honest.
TODOMATSU: Why are you saying lines out of a porno book?
JYUSHIMATSU: Kancho book?! Eh? Kancho? Kancho?? [2]
TODOMATSU: That’s not what I said.
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehe, what are you talking about? The body is honest. Look, you’re flushing! Your butt longs for that deep penetration!
TODOMATSU: Detective Jyushimatsu seems like the type who can endure anything, no matter what is done to him.
JYUSHIMATSU: Of course! Just try me! Question my body!
TODOMATSU: Ehh, this guy is such a pain. [sighs] Fine then, Detective Jyushimatsu. I will now interrogate your body. Be sure to answer everything honestly.
JYUSHIMATSU: You won’t get a word out of me!
TODOMATSU: Then… well! I feel hungry, don’t you? Detective Jyushimatsu, would you like to eat oden? It’ll be my treat.
JYUSHIMATSU: Really?! Okay, I’ll eat!

TODOMATSU: A large, large pot filled with large servings of oden! Ah, it’s hot! It positively boils!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehe, yay! Looks tasty!
TODOMATSU: I’ve bought out Chibita’s entire oden cart!
JYUSHIMATSU: Time to eat–
TODOMATSU: Hold on just one second!
JYUSHIMATSU: Eh, why? I’m hungry! I’m hungry! I wanna eat! I wanna eat oden!
TODOMATSU: Only after I eat first, okay? Here goes. I’ll take this piping hot egg.
[TODOMATSU eats quietly]
JYUSHIMATSU: Cut the crap! A reaction like that isn’t any good! A reaction to oden has to go like this! Egg, white radish that’s been immersed in boiling hot dashi, and konjac! This is your standard reaction! Here goes! [eats] HOT!
TODOMATSU: He stuck it all into his mouth along with the piping hot egg!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hot hot hot hot!
TODOMATSU: He’s writhing in agony while his mouth opens and closes from the heat, and the white radish falls out the edge of his mouth and slips inside the front of his shirt!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hot hot hot hot!
TODOMATSU: What’s more, the konjac falls into his pants for some reason!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hoooooooot!
TODOMATSU: Even more pained writhing!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hot hot hot hot!
TODOMATSU: He’s rolling back and forth on the floor!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hooooot!
TODOMATSU: He hit the desk!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hot!
TODOMATSU: The pot on top of the desk tips over!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hot!
TODOMATSU: The entire contents of oden fall onto him!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hot hot hot hot hot!
TODOMATSU: Even more pained writhing!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hot hot hot hot hot hot hot– Hyahoooo! It’s like summer and summer and summer and summer came all at the same time! Hot hot hot!
TODOMATSU: [claps] What a wonderful reaction! I’ve learned a few things! [gets up] Now then. Goodbye!
[TODOMATSU walks out]
JYUSHIMATSU: [writhes even more, then calms down and eats] Oden is so good!

[1] Reference to a TV detective series, “Partner,” which involves Sugishita Ukyo partnering up with someone to solve cases.
[2] “Kancho” is a kiddy game where little kids stick their fingers up people’s butts unawares. “Kannou” is the genre of erotic fiction.

——————————–
TRACK 03: Free Talk Corner (Daisuke Ono & Miyu Irino)

To be updated…

To support this site:

Where to buy this CD: Amazon.JP, CDJapan

——————————–
CAST
Karamatsu Matsuno : Yuuichi Nakamura
Ichimatsu Matsuno : Jun Fukuyama

——————————–
TRACKS
01: もしもカラ松が弁護士だったら　～弁護人：カラ松／被告：一松～
02: もしも一松が弁護士だったら　～弁護人：一松／被告：カラ松～
03: フリートーク（中村悠一＆福山 潤）

——————————–
TRACK 01: If Karamatsu Was A Defense Attorney ~Lawyer: Karamatsu/ Defendant: Ichimatsu~
KARAMATSU: Osomatsu-san Sextuplets’ Work Experience Dramatsu CD Series.
ICHIMATSU: Volume 4, Karamatsu & Ichimatsu: “Defense Attorneys.”
KARAMATSU: If Karamatsu was a Defense Attorney.

ICHIMATSU: Right now, we are in a certain courtroom. And now… Court begins.

KARAMATSU: Okay, Your Honor. You don’t have to explain everything. Your Honor and I are able to communicate with each other by looks, Heart to Heart! OK, baby… You want me to make a defense case for the accused, right? Of course I will. I am a man born to be of use to someone. Now then… the defense attorney for the accused, me, Karamatsu, would like to ask the accused several questions, much like the multitude of stars that glitter in the night sky. I ask that the defendant answer these questions honestly, like a newborn baby with a pure and clean heart. There is a large, sturdy lock around your heart right now, but who is it that will unlock it? It’s me~ Now, let’s begin! “The Servility Case.” [1] Defendant, what is your name?
ICHIMATSU: Ichimatsu.
KARAMATSU: The kanji character of “one,” one horizontal line. Heh, what a straightforward name. Your parents must have given you that name so that you may grow up into a straightforward fellow. [points] That star in the night sky that shines the brightest is your father! And right next to it, your mother! My heart burns with gratitude, emotion, and inspiration to see that they are constantly watching over you!
ICHIMATSU: Uh, they’re both still alive. Look, they’re in the visitor’s gallery.
KARAMATSU: Since your name is Ichimatsu, that must mean you are the first fruit of their love, the oldest son!
ICHIMATSU: I’m the fourth son. I wouldn’t call myself the fruit of their love, more like the wreckage of it? A mistake in their plans for a happy family? Why am I called Ichimatsu when I’m the fourth son…?
KARAMATSU: Not to worry. Even that famous major leaguer with a name that sounds like he’s the oldest son is actually not the oldest son at all, Ichimatsu-kun. That famous major leaguer with a name that sounds like he’s the oldest son is actually… the second son! [2]
ICHIMATSU: No matter how much you sparkle your eyes at me when you tell me that, I don’t–
KARAMATSU: Your eyes are clouded over, but not to worry.
ICHIMATSU: About what?
KARAMATSU: With an excellent lawyer like me by your side, I will prove that you are not servile, that your heart is not shrouded by darkness, that you are innocent! Bring straightfowardness to servility! Bring light to dulled eyes that look like darkness!
ICHIMATSU: [sighs] What a pain in the ass…
KARAMATSU: Also! A person’s value cannot be determined by their name! Being the fourth son with the name of Ichimatsu is no problem at all! A person’s value is not to be determined by their appearance either– Yes! [grabs himself] It is their soul! This soul stuffed with dreams, passion, and future that boils fiercely!!
ICHIMATSU: Heh, my soul’s cooled off a long time ago. There’s nothing to look forward to in the future anywa–
KARAMATSU: Ooooh, I don’t believe this! Your parents named you Ichimatsu so that you may live a straightforward life, but you have grown twisted and servile! But there is nothing to be embarrassed about that.
ICHIMATSU: So what if I’m twisted. Just give me the death penalty.
KARAMATSU: There’s no need to be so servile just because your personality is slightly servile. Even a foul flower is still a flower. No matter how foul a flower you are, you must bloom with all of your might without thinking of how foul you are. Why don’t you try doing your best, like a foul flower? It’s okay to be servile. Yes. You are a foul flower. Congratulations, foul flower!
ICHIMATSU: I’LL KILL YOU?! You’re not defending me, you’re making fun of me!
KARAMATSU: Your Honor, he just gave a warning for murder! I demand that the defendant be given the death penalty!
ICHIMATSU: AREN’T YOU MY LAWYER?! Why are you pleading the death penalty for me?!
KARAMATSU: I couldn’t help but ride the rhythm…
ICHIMATSU: Yeah, you need help. What kind of rhythm anyway?
KARAMATSU: Lifestyle rhythm?
ICHIMATSU: Shut the fuck up.
KARAMATSU: Biorhythm?
ICHIMATSU: Enough. You don’t have to defend me. The death penalty suits someone like me just fine anyway.
KARAMATSU: You need to graduate from that servility! [slaps]
ICHIMATSU: T–That hurt! Don’t slap me out of nowher–
[KARAMATSU continues to slap ICHIMATSU across the face]
KARAMATSU: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
ICHIMATSU: You bastard!
KARAMATSU: It’s not you who is in pain!
ICHIMATSU: Huh?
KARAMATSU: It’s not my hand that’s in pain either!
ICHIMATSU: Huh?!!
KARAMATSU: My heart! That’s slapping you! [continues to slap ICHIMATSU] Is crying about how much it hurts!! It’s crying about how much it really doesn’t want to slap you!! [slaps ICHIMATSU] Actually, my hand is hurting pretty bad too, but I’ll ignore it!!
[KARAMATSU continues to slap ICHIMATSU]
ICHIMATSU: Ow! I’m the one who wants to cry!
KARAMATSU: I really don’t want to slap you, but…! Hahahaha!!
ICHIMATSU: Eh?! You’re happy about this, aren’t you?!
[KARAMATSU continues to slap ICHIMATSU]
KARAMATSU: Cry! Cry! Cry!
[KARAMATSU continues to slap ICHIMATSU]
KARAMATSU: Fuck me! Fuck me! [3]
ICHIMATSU: You’re saying something weird mixed in there!
[KARAMATSU continues to slap ICHIMATSU]
KARAMATSU: It’s okay to cry! Don’t hold yourself in, just be honest and cry! My heart is crying too, so let’s cry together! My heart and you will become one and will cry together! It’s saying that it wants to cry together!
ICHIMATSU: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ANYWAY?! You’ve been making no sense this whole time!
[KARAMATSU releases ICHIMATSU and they both catch breath]
KARAMATSU: Tears cleanse the impure heart, like a blue sky in winter. An airplane flies across the endless expanse of the skies, clear from clouds. As they step on ice needles, the lovers smile at each other as their breaths leave them in white smoke. Within that cold atmosphere, their entwined hands feel very warm. If I were to name that warmth, it would be…
ICHIMATSU: It would be…?
KARAMATSU: [gets a burst of inspiration] Heart. [4]
ICHIMATSU: What the fuck.
KARAMATSU: My hand searches for a Heart.
ICHIMATSU: Huh?
KARAMATSU: [shows his hand] This hand has still yet to touch a Heart.
ICHIMATSU: Heh! So you’re saying that you’ve never held hands with a girl.
KARAMATSU: I wonder what a Heart feels like. Hehe, I bet it’s smooth as crystal, pure, with elasticity, springy texture, and tender…
ICHIMATSU: Are you making a food report?
KARAMATSU: Your Honor!
ICHIMATSU: Don’t suddenly return to the subject!
KARAMATSU: I would like to ask the defendant Ichimatsu a question!
[The judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: Honestly, how far are you going to derail this conversation?
ICHIMATSU: Oy. I get the feeling that it was mainly you doing the derailing.
KARAMATSU: It’s like you took down the rails that your parents provided for you, so that you can walk on your own two feet.
ICHIMATSU: Why is it that you can only speak like that? Not that I care.
KARAMATSU: Now, let me ask you. Answer honestly. Listen to the voice that comes from within your heart. Have you…?
ICHIMATSU: H–Have I…?
KARAMATSU: Ever touched a Heart before?!
ICHIMATSU: Huh?
KARAMATSU: In other words! I’m asking if you have ever touched a girl’s hand before!
ICHIMATSU: Keh…
KARAMATSU: Defendant, what is with that attitude?
ICHIMATSU: …I haven’t…
KARAMATSU: Huh?! I can’t hear you, say it louder!
ICHIMATSU: …I said, I haven’t!
KARAMATSU: Haven’t what?!
ICHIMATSU: I’ve never held hands with a girl before!
KARAMATSU: You fool! [slaps]
ICHIMATSU: Why are you slapping me?!
KARAMATSU: It’s okay to cry! I can’t believe that you’ve never held hands with a girl before! [cries]
ICHIMATSU: NEITHER HAVE YOU?!
KARAMATSU: Sooo let’s cry together!
ICHIMATSU: Huh?!
KARAMATSU: Just like that TV drama I loved…
ICHIMATSU: Huh?
KARAMATSU: About a forbidden love between teacher and student that took place in an all-girls high school! [5]
ICHIMATSU: Oh…
KARAMATSU: As the sun sets on Shinobazu Pond…
ICHIMATSU: Eh?
KARAMATSU: Let’s just cry together!!
[ICHIMATSU sighs]
KARAMATSU: As a crowd of water birds swim before us, let’s just keep crying and crying!
ICHIMATSU: No thanks.
KARAMATSU: Uuhhh… Kaahhh! You’re so servile… You should be more honest!
ICHIMATSU: That’s not the problem! …What are you crying for, honestly… Here!
KARAMATSU: Eh?
ICHIMATSU: Here. A handkerchief. Wipe those eyes.
KARAMATSU: …You’re servile, but you’re nice too… [blows his nose] Thanks, I’ll wash it and return it to you.
ICHIMATSU: You don’t have to return it.
KARAMATSU: Your Honor!! Would a handkerchief be considered a bribe?! It won’t? Then I’ll take the handkerchief.
[The judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: Ichimatsu. You’re servile, but you have a good side to you too… I know, let’s do this.
ICHIMATSU: Huh? What?
KARAMATSU: You’re servile and a foul flower–
ICHIMATSU: Do you have to go back to that?
KARAMATSU: But you have a warm heart. You have a gentle part of you. In other words… you have Heart.
ICHIMATSU: I… have Heart?
KARAMATSU: Yes. I can see the Heart that sparkles deep within you. Also, it is no exaggeration to say that I’m the very embodiment of Heart itself!
ICHIMATSU: That IS an exaggeration.
KARAMATSU: In other words, two Hearts are here. This is a miracle of the universe! It was fate that I met you here, it was destiny!
ICHIMATSU: So?
KARAMATSU: [offers his hand] Here. Let’s hold hands.
ICHIMATSU: Why?!
KARAMATSU: You have never touched a Heart before. I have never touched a Heart either. And right now, in front of both of us, there exists a Heart! Therefore! Wouldn’t it be our destiny to touch it?! No, it definitely would! Now, give me your hand!
ICHIMATSU: I don’t want to!
KARAMATSU: You don’t have to hold yourself back.
ICHIMATSU: I’m not holding back!
KARAMATSU: In that case… Are you embarrassed like an inexperienced girl? …Hehe, are you a bit scared? Is this your first time? Are you shivering? Like a newborn puppy. Or like a bud that’s wet from morning dew? Haha, you don’t have to be nervous. Give yourself to nature, to the Sun that is me. Oh, my beloved… You will blossom within my light. What sort of flower will you show yourself as to me? What color will your petals be? How will you smell? …Now, what will your Heart feel like? Look, my hand is reaching for your Heart now… for your precious place… for the depths that no one else has ever touched before…! It reaches for your Love Way– Ah!
ICHIMATSU: I said, stop!! If you bring that hand any closer, I’ll kill you!
KARAMATSU: Your Honor, he just gave a warning for murder! I demand that the defendant be given the death penalty!
ICHIMATSU: If you’re my lawyer, then defend me properly won’t you?! No, I mean, I don’t need you. I don’t need to be defended. I’m servile to begin with, I’m totally guilty for the Servility Case.
KARAMATSU: Verdict: The death penalty.
ICHIMATSU: You’re not the judge!! …But whatever. I’m okay with the death penalty.
KARAMATSU: Then you’re okay with the death penalty? Heh. Your Honor, the death penalty is just fine.
[The judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: Eh? The defendant is proclaimed innocent? What’s the Servility Case anyway, you say? Eh? Goodbye? Ehh?!
[The judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: …Heh. Hehehehe! I won…! It was a dramatic victory… I won the lawsuit! I won complete victory of the lawsuit! Rejoice, Ichimatsu-kun. I won your innocence for you!
ICHIMATSU: You were trying to put me to death.
KARAMATSU: It was all a part of my calculations. I scrupulously refined it as much as it could be refined… my non-plan!
ICHIMATSU: You just said from your own mouth that you had no plan at all.
KARAMATSU: Don’t get wrapped in the details.
ICHIMATSU: Is it a detail?
KARAMATSU: Look up at the sky.
ICHIMATSU: We’re inside a building.
KARAMATSU: What a great blue sky it is. And what lies beyond it is the universe! The great universe that expands infinitely. A countless number of stars! Once you start thinking about the universe, you find yourself not giving a single flip about this court case.
ICHIMATSU: Uh, all I can see is the ceiling… Ah, a spiderweb.
KARAMATSU: Now, let’s rejoice in our victory together! Come, mon cheri! [6] Jump into my arms!!
ICHIMATSU: Who are you calling your cheri?!
KARAMATSU: Come! Jump right into my arms!
ICHIMATSU: Go jump in front of a train.
KARAMATSU: That was an instigation for suicide just now. Your Honor!! Come back, Your Honor!! I demand that the defendant be given the death penalty!
ICHIMATSU: Enough.
KARAMATSU: Aahhh! The judge isn’t coming back quickly enough!!
ICHIMATSU: SHUUUUT UUUUP!

KARAMATSU/ICHIMATSU: Court adjourned.

[1] “Servility” ひくつ is a word that was used to describe Ichimatsu since the very beginning. It means someone with a spineless attitude, who despises and abases himself so much to the point that they are very passive. Not proactive action-takers.
[2] Karamatsu is referring to Suzuki Ichiro, whose grandfather gave that name because he wanted the character for “ichi” (first) in all of his grandchildren.
[3] Karamatsu changes from “nake” 泣け (cry) to “dake” 抱け (have sex with me).
[4] This word is hard to translate. “Magokoro” 真心 means “a heart that is filled with sincere devotion,” pretty much the essence of a “true heart.”
[5] Sorry, I have no idea what this reference is. It’s an old drama that I’m not familiar with.
[6] This could be a reference to a song title シェリー　by Ozaki Yutaka. If I were to use the official English translation, it would be “Shelly,” but since neither that nor “Sherry” made sense to me, I translated it as “Cheri.”

——————————–
TRACK 02: If Ichimatsu Was A Defense Attorney ~Lawyer: Ichimatsu/ Defendant: Karamatsu~
KARAMATSU/ICHIMATSU: Dramatsu!

ICHIMATSU: If Ichimatsu was a Defense Attorney.

KARAMATSU: Heh, there is no one in this world who can pass judgment on me. The law can leave me out of it.
[Judge pounds his gavel]

[ICHIMATSU walks down a hall]
ICHIMATSU: [sighs] What a pain in the ass…
[Judge pounds his gavel]
ICHIMATSU: Eh? Your Honor, what is it? Eh? Me? Defend this client? …Uhh… Just for a little while then… Let’s see here… [flips through case files] The name of the case… the “Painful Case.” Defendant, state your name.
KARAMATSU: “Ka” from “brilliant,” “Ra” from “luxurious,” “Matsu” from “pine, bamboo, and plum.” Karamatsu! [1]
ICHIMATSU: [writes] The defendant for the Painful Case is Karamatsu… So, are you okay with the death penalty?
KARAMATSU: Defense attorney Ichimatsu-san? Please defend me?
ICHIMATSU: The death penalty sounds just fine.
KARAMATSU: Straight to the chopping block?! All living creatures have the right and the responsibility to live once they’ve been born! Defend me, won’t you?! Win my innocence!
ICHIMATSU: Tch, what a pain in the ass…
KARAMATSU: Show some motivation! You can do it!!
ICHIMATSU: Motivation? That’s a word I’ve never heard before… I mean, I think the death penalty is perfect for you. Besides, you seem to have done a lot of other bad things before this case.
KARAMATSU: Heh. Everyone does rash things while they’re young.
ICHIMATSU: Do you remember what you’ve done?
KARAMATSU: Naturally… I met my 15th Night. [2]
ICHIMATSU: There’s nothing wrong with that.
KARAMATSU: I ran off with a stolen skateboard…
ICHIMATSU: Okay, you’re charged with theft.
KARAMATSU: At a school building at night…
ICHIMATSU: Trespassing on private property.
KARAMATSU: I broke a glass window…
ICHIMATSU: Property damage. Judge, please give the defendant the death penalty.
KARAMATSU: WHAT ABOUT MY DEFENSE?! Besides, it’s, uh, youthful indescretion? Perfect youthful indiscretion! Everyone has that!
ICHIMATSU: No.
KARAMATSU: It has nothing to do with this case to begin with, anyway! Please help me graduate from this court trial.
ICHIMATSU: Ugggggh, I knew this was a pain in the ass. It would end quicker if you just got the death penalty. Then how about we make a compromise and give you full life imprisonment?
KARAMATSU: What did you compromise with?? Also, full life imprisonment doesn’t exist in Japan!
ICHIMATSU: Then there’s only the death penalty for you.
KARAMATSU: All living creatures have the right and the responsibility–!
ICHIMATSU: Shut up… Fine then, I have no other choice. Let’s talk about the Painful Case.
KARAMATSU: You do not have no other choice, that’s what you should be doing! Ask me anything. I will expose my very heart. Once you see my soul as a human being, you will see that I am innocent. Hehe. Hahahaha. [starts fiddling with his belt] I have nothing to hide. This is me. Take a good look.
[Judge pounds his gavel]
ICHIMATSU: ……Ahh, I’m sorry, Your Honor. Defendant, please put your clothes back on. Why did you go butt-naked, that’s gross.
KARAMATSU: Because I have nothing to be embarrassed about.
ICHIMATSU: Don’t stand there with your arms folded. Put your clothes back on, Cacamatsu. [3]
KARAMATSU: Hmph. All right. [re-dresses himself]
ICHIMATSU: Now then… I guess I’ll begin defending the Painful Case. Although I still think that it’s a major waste of time.
KARAMATSU: Show some motivation! You can do this once you try!!
ICHIMATSU: There are some things that aren’t worth trying. So, about the Painful Case… Painful, huh… This is a biggie…
KARAMATSU: I am innocent.
ICHIMATSU: You have no idea why you are accused of being painful?
KARAMATSU: No!
ICHIMATSU: According to witness reports that saw cases of painfulness… “The accused wore sunglasses even at night. He apparently couldn’t see his surroundings because he walked into a telephone pole. What’s more, he spoke into the telephone even though there was nobody on the other end and whispered “I will accept your commission,” and did some sort of outro performance. He wandered around aimlessly in Shibuya because he wanted to be picked up by a fashion magazine, but no one approached him…” This hurts… This really hurts… Oh, by the way, Your Honor, the “painful” in “the Painful Case” means “corpse.” In other words, a dead person, and speaking of a dead person–?!!
[ICHIMATSU hits KARAMATSU with a bat]
KARAMATSU: OW?!
ICHIMATSU: It’s this “painful.” [4]
KARAMATSU: Ow… Did you just hit me with a bat?! What if I had died?!
ICHIMATSU: Tch. You should have died.
KARAMATSU: I’m being executed by my own lawyer?!
ICHIMATSU: The defendant Karamatsu keeps continuing to conduct painful behavior, so he is guilty. I demand that he be given the death penalty.
KARAMATUS: Flow of time, cease your operation! As my lawyer, you should defend me! Accomplish your mission! It is your predestination. It is the fate given to you by heaven, your destiny!!
ICHIMATSU: It hurts…
KARAMATSU: Do you realize what you are doing, Defense attorney Ichimatsu? Right now, you are looking as if you are looking at a pathetic person. Hah! Who is causing you to look like that? I will not forgive whoever causes you pain. I will remove the cause for you.
ICHIMATSU: The cause is you.
KARAMATSU: Okay, I will take away the cause! I will punch myself!!
[KARAMATSU starts punching himself]
KARAMATSU: How’s that?! [cough] Are you giving in?!! I will teach you!! The crime!! Of making Defense attorney Ichimatsu sad!! [cough] I bet you’ve learned your lesson now… Why is my face, and my stomach– My entire body hurting?! …D–Defense attorney Ichimatsu… I’ve removed the cause…! Wait, what’s wrong? The defense attorney’s eyes with the look of seeing someone pathetic are even more pronounced than before… The defense attorney’s heart has sunk even deeper into the ocean…!! Why?! I removed the cause, so why?!!
[Judge pounds his gavel]
ICHIMATSU: …Yes, Your Honor. As you can see, the defendant Karamatsu is painful without any doubt. In other words, I believe that he is, without any doubt, guilty for the Painful Case. I demand that he be put to death. In fact, do it right now if you can.
KARAMATSU: Wait!!!
ICHIMATSU: What’s wrong?
KARAMATSU: Is it bad to wear sunglasses at night?
ICHIMATSU: Eh? Is that what’s bothering you right now?
KARAMATSU: Yes.
ICHIMATSU: This is why you’re Cacamatsu… Sunglasses are meant to block sunlight, so it’s meaningless to wear them at night and when you do, it darkens your sight so you can’t see what’s around you.
KARAMATSU: Ohhhh! So that’s why I walked into that telephone pole! Incredible, there are still things in this world that are unknown to me! It’s full of surprises of the unknown! Heh… How magnificent this world is! It’s vast! How many unknown things will I come to know in the future? How many new things will I get to see?! The future shines! Dreams expand… Hope… A light of hope… I was lost in the jet-black darkness, but now I see light! That’s right, my future has only just begun! Watch me on this endlessly continuous Love Way!!!
ICHIMATSU: No, you’ve got the death penalty. It’s going to be carried out without wait, so you have no future. Your life, Defendant, is about to end soon. Could you not rouse up any useless hope?
KARAMATSU: Honestly, you’ve got no dreams, Defense attorney Ichimatsu. I see, so it’s not good to wear sunglasses at night. So that’s why I walked into the telephone pole. [nods to himself] Yes, yes, that certainly was painful. The Painful Case has been solved!
ICHIMATSU: Yeah, that’s not what Painful means.
KARAMATSU: What?
ICHIMATSU: It’s not “Painful” because hitting a telephone pole was painful. The defendant’s existence itself gives one a sense of pain, that’s what it means.
KARAMATSU: My very existence is painful? Hahaha, oh dear. What you say makes no sense. I’m a pacifist. I’m the reincarnation of Ghandi.
ICHIMATSU: I said, that’s not what Painful means.
KARAMATSU: I’m the reincarnation of Yutaka! ☆
ICHIMATSU: I hope his fans kill you.
KARAMATSU: I’m the reincarnation of Mizut–
ICHIMATSU: People are going to get mad at us, so stop it, Cacamatsu!!! [5]
KARAMATSU: Then… I’m the reincarnation of yukata. ☆
ICHIMATSU: What do you mean, the reincarnation of yukata? Were you hemmed up so much that you ended up in tatters?
KARAMATSU: Heh, what past life do you think will suit me the best?
ICHIMATSU: It hurts…! That’s exactly what I mean!
[Judge pounds his gavel]
ICHIMATSU: [sighs] Your Honor? Finish this up already, you say? Well, let’s see…
[Judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: Heh. At any rate, Your Honor, your gavel gives off a wonderful beat…
[Judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: It’s like the beating of my heart… Proof that I am alive… Music! That is soul! Music is what makes us free, Freedom!
[Judge pounds his gavel even quicker]
KARAMATSU: No one! Can shackle us! Carve it in, the rhythm of life!! That’s it, Your Honor! Burn up more! Let me hear your music!!
[Judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: Eh? What, Your Honor? …You were calling for silence? Heh, of course. Music with the name of Silence. It magnificently fills this world to soothe our hearts… Hey! [snaps his fingers]
ICHIMATSU: …He really is painful. He’s too painful…
[Judge pounds his gavel]
ICHIMATSU: Yes, Your Honor. Please give us your verdict.
[Judge pounds his gavel]
ICHIMATSU: Defendant, Karamatsu. Your verdict for the Painful Case is… Guilty. Death Penalty. Thank god, it’s over!!!
KARAMATSU: EHHHHHH?! Wa–Wa–Wa–Wait a sec, wait a sec! W–Why?! Why am I getting the death penalty?! Objection!!!
ICHIMATSU: Ehh? But we’re done here.
KARAMATSU: No, we’re not done! …I know! Listen to this! I have a poem that I love! It’s a poem that speaks of the importance of life! Once you listen to it, you’ll definitely want to take back that death penalty!!
[KARAMATSU takes out a piece of paper]
KARAMATSU: Here it is… “I love you, my angel. I know not your name. The convenience store where you work. With what little money I had, I take a barley tea in hand and line up for the register. My heartbeat quickens. My turn is next. Communication with you. Maybe when I receive the change, our hands will touch. Just then, the owner opens up the register next to yours. In a deep voice, he says, “Next customer in line, please.” I pay at the register of the shop owner. The owner’s hairy hand wraps over mine and hands me my change… Ahh, my angel. I know not your name. Ahh, my angel. An ‘I love you’ that does not reach you. Ahh, my angel. I know not your name. Today, I found out the owner’s name. The owner’s name is Kumada Youji. The warmth of his hand–”
ICHIMATSU: Oy. What the hell is that?
KARAMATSU: Eh? Oh, oops. [quickly hides] Hahaha, my mistake. That was a poem that I wrote.
ICHIMATSU: When you were in middle school?
KARAMATSU: No, three days ago.
ICHIMATSU: It hurts…
KARAMATSU: A–Ahh, here it is, here it is! It’s this poem. Let’s see here… “Jugem jugem…” [6]
ICHIMATSU: THAT’S WRONG!
KARAMATSU: “A precious life. When we were born, we arrived crying.”
ICHIMATSU: That’s enough.
KARAMATSU: “The people around us were laughing joyously.”
ICHIMATSU: I said, that’s enough!
KARAMATSU: “When we die, we want to be laughing as we die.”
ICHIMATSU: Okay.
KARAMATSU: “Will the people around us cry for our deaths?”
ICHIMATSU: Okay.
KARAMATSU: …Never mind that!!! I don’t care about poetry!!!!
ICHIMATSU: So you don’t care?!
KARAMATSU: [cries] I…!! I…!! I… just want to live a proper life…! Cry, laugh… Meet someone… Fall in love… Nurture that love and fasten it in marriage… Have fights sometimes with the person I love, get old together, until our backs stoop! Until we’re walking on canes!! Within the autumn colors of fall… Full of wrinkles… We’ll hold each other’s coarse, rough hands that have only bone and skin…! However, My Precious… Both I and my beloved would prefer that hand! It doesn’t have to be smooth…!! We worked, for each other’s sake… For family… The days that were spent in hard-working effort! Those rough hands are proof of happiness…! Holding each other’s rough hands, we’ll walk forward slowly… Remembering the life that was held until that day… And naturally, the memories will bring out a smile… Even without speaking, the couple can tell what the other is thinking… The colored leaves will dance in the wind… The two would be slightly cold. They bring their bodies closer together and continue walking… Just as how they had always done, walking on the path of life… And just as how they will continue…! You understand me, right, Defense attorney Ichimatsu?! Your Honor!! My feelings! The importance of life!!! The activity of humans that has continued for years…! [7] I want… to jump into the majestic cycle of death and rebirth…!!
ICHIMATSU: …I see. I understand veerrrry well. [smiles] You do as well, don’t you, Your Honor?
[Judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: Defense attorney Ichimatsu…! Your Honor…!
ICHIMATSU: We have come to fully understand that the defendant Karamatsu is painful beyond any doubt. He will be executed immediately.
KARAMATSU: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh?!

KARAMATSU/ICHIMATSU: Court adjourned.

[1] 「華麗のカ、ラグジュアリィのラ、松竹梅の松」 “Ka from ‘karei,’ Ra from ‘ragujari,’ ‘Matsu’ from “shouchikubai.'” “Shouchikubai” (pine, bamboo, and plum) are meant to symbolize good luck when grouped together; the word can also mean “upper, middle, and lower class” with the “matsu” part being “upper class.”
[2] Everything that Karamatsu says here about his crimes are references to songs by Ozaki Yutaka.
[3] Translated as “Cacamatsu” to keep the connection with the near-pronunciation of “Karamatsu,” but it still means “Shittymatsu.”
[4] A pun on “itai” イタイ meaning “painful” and “itai” 遺体 which means “corpse.”
[5] Yutaka = Ozaki Yutaka. Karamatsu next meant to say “Mizutani Yutaka,” who is another singer affiliated under the Avex label.
[6] “Jugem, Jugem” is a phrase used in either a comic storytelling, or part of a tongue-twister. The story behind “Jugem” is that the father wanted to give his future child a name that meant “long and healthy life” and decided that it would be reflected in a long name. He stuck fortunate kanji characters together to come up with the name, which is told as the longest name in Japan.
[7] In case “activity” was not easy to decipher in this translation, Karamatsu meant procreating.

——————————–
TRACK 03: Free Talk Corner (Nakamura Yuuichi & Fukuyama Jun)

To be updated…

To support this site:

Where to buy this CD: Amazon.JP, CDJapan

——————————–
CAST
Osomatsu Matsuno : Takahiro Sakurai
Choromatsu Matsuno : Hiroshi Kamiya

——————————–
TRACKS
01: もしもおそ松がTVプロデューサーだったら
02: もしもチョロ松がTVプロデューサーだったら
03: フリートーク（櫻井孝宏＆神谷浩史）

——————————–
TRACK 01: If Osomatsu was a TV Producer
OSOMATSU: Osomatsu-san Sextuplets’ Work Experience Dramatsu CD Series.
CHOROMATSU: Volume 3, Osomatsu & Choromatsu: “TV Producers.”
OSOMATSU: If Osomatsu was a TV Producer.

CHOROMATSU: Let’s see… Where am I? Look around, look around, dart around, dart around. TV station headquarters sure are big… It’s like a maze in here. Why is it such a complicated network? Is it true that it’s built this way to prevent terrorists from taking over the broadcasting? Ah, but putting that aside, the conference room where Producer Osomatsu is waiting is… Here, I think. Ah, here it is! [takes a deep breath] Okay! [knocks]
OSOMATSU: [from inside] Yeah, come in!
CHOROMATSU: Please excuse my intrusion! [walks in] Um, are you Producer Osomatsu?
OSOMATSU: Yes, that’s me. What is it?
CHOROMATSU: M–My name is Choromatsu! I’m a newbie idol from Flag Production. I came here to make my greetings to you, since I’m going to be participating in your upcoming prank show.
OSOMATSU: Ah, yes, I’ve heard about you, Choromatsu-kun. Are you okay with beer bottles?
CHOROMATSU: Beer bottles?
OSOMATSU: In pranks, there are situations when you’ll get hit on the head with a beer bottle.
CHOROMATSU: From what I recall, beer bottles that are used for pranks are made with wax that breaks easily and doesn’t hurt, aren’t they? I’m fine with that!
OSOMATSU: How many times will you be okay with being hit by real beer bottles?
CHOROMATSU: NOT EVEN ONCE!
OSOMATSU: Really? Then, are you okay with dynamite?
CHOROMATSU: Dynamite?
OSOMATSU: I’m thinking of having one explode right above your head as a prank.
CHOROMATSU: As I recall, dynamite that are used for pranks only make a huge sound and don’t actually have that much power, right? Then I’m fine with that!
OSOMATSU: How many of real dynamite will you be okay with? About a hundred?
CHOROMATSU: NOT EVEN ONE! I’LL DIE!
OSOMATSU: Will that really kill you?
CHOROMATSU: YES, IT WILL!
OSOMATSU: I don’t know… Isn’t that something that you can only find out by doing it first?
CHOROMATSU: Even without doing it, I know!
OSOMATSU: I see… Then let’s put the dynamite aside. How much gasoline can you drink?
CHOROMATSU: Let me see, about three liters– I can’t drink that!
OSOMATSU: Miser.
CHOROMATSU: This is not about me being a miser or not!
OSOMATSU: Listen, Choromatsu-kun. Getting viewership ratings is the only way to make a TV program worth something.
CHOROMATSU: Okay…
OSOMATSU: Unless you, at the very least, drink gasoline and spit fire out of every possible hole that’s in your body, it won’t satisfy the viewers. That’s the world that we live in now.
CHOROMATSU: What a crazy world we live in.
OSOMATSU: Who is responsible for making this world for what it is?! The population of Japan has been transformed into idiots!
CHOROMATSU: It would be TV that’s responsible, isn’t it.
OSOMATSU: [slams desk] No dynamite, no gasoline, then what would you like to use? Needle-point holders?! Boiling hot water?!
CHOROMATSU: Did I make a mistake becoming an idol…? What is wrong with the entertainment world…
OSOMATSU: Then let’s play a wake-up prank.
CHOROMATSU: You suddenly mention a really normal idea.
OSOMATSU: We’ll bring the camera in to your home while you’re asleep, so wake up and be surprised.
CHOROMATSU: But I’m a male, is that okay?
OSOMATSU: It’s okay, it’s okay. Just pull your yukata around yourself so you show off some naked bits. Like your thighs. It’ll be a service to the viewers.
CHOROMATSU: Will they be happy seeing my thighs?
OSOMATSU: It’ll raise the viewership through the roof!
CHOROMATSU: I–I see! Then…
OSOMATSU: While you’re showing your thighs, we’ll stick dynamite up your ass that goes BOOM! Then you wake up all in a panic, Choromatsu-kun! Everyone laughs and the wake-up prank is a big success! It’s perfect!
CHOROMATSU: That won’t be a big success, I’ll die!
OSOMATSU: Tch! What is the matter with you, all you do is complain!
CHOROMATSU: I WILL complain!
OSOMATSU: You’re cheeky for a newbie, do you know that? Fine then, fine then, no more pranks.
CHOROMATSU: No more?
OSOMATSU: I’ll change the program. It’ll be a free talk corner.
CHOROMATSU: Free talk.
OSOMATSU: Now I’ve got to get the script ready.
CHOROMATSU: THAT’S NOT A FREE TALK!
OSOMATSU: Hmm, I’m having a hard time filling up the given time length… What should I have you talk about…
CHOROMATSU: Is it you who will be writing the script, Producer Osomatsu?
OSOMATSU: Both the director and the series composite writer are busy. Besides, if I write it, then we won’t have to pay for a manuscript. That’s what a skilled producer does. But, nevertheless, I’m having trouble filling up the time length… Writing scripts isn’t really my forte… I know, let’s go with that trick.
CHOROMATSU: That trick?
OSOMATSU: But, nevertheless, I’m having trouble filling up the time length… Writing scripts isn’t really my forte… I know, let’s go with that trick.
CHOROMATSU: That trick?
OSOMATSU: But, nevertheless, I’m having trouble filling up the time length… Writing scripts isn’t really my forte… I know, let’s go with that trick.
CHOROMATSU: That trick?
OSOMATSU: But, nevertheless, I’m having trouble filling up the time length… Writing scripts isn’t really my forte… I know, let’s go with that trick.
CHOROMATSU: –Huh?! Did… Did we just repeat the same conversation over and over?
OSOMATSU: Yeah, that’s right. I copypastaed.
CHOROMATSU: Copypastaed?!
OSOMATSU: Yeah, copy and paste! It fills up the time length easily, see? I’m so smart~!
CHOROMATSU: Are you sure you should be doing that?!
OSOMATSU: Yeah, that’s right. I copypastaed.
CHOROMATSU: Copypastaed?!
OSOMATSU: Yeah, copy and paste! It fills up the time length easily, see? I’m so smart~!
CHOROMATSU: Are you sure you should be doing that?!
OSOMATSU: Yeah, that’s right. I copypastaed.
CHOROMATSU: Copypastaed?!
OSOMATSU: Yeah, copy and paste! It fills up the time length easily, see? I’m so smart~!
CHOROMATSU: –AGAIN?!
OSOMATSU: See, now even more time has passed! So simple.
CHOROMATSU: You can’t do this! You need to write the script properly, or people will say that you’re skimping!
OSOMATSU: It’s all about the production! The production!
CHOROMATSU: What do you mean, production?! The viewers will get disgusted!
OSOMATSU: Don’t worry, don’t worry! We just have to keep copypasting everything to fill in the time gap!
CHOROMATSU: No, no, no, no, no!
OSOMATSU: We just have to keep copypasting everything to fill in the time gap!
CHOROMATSU: No, no, no, no, no!
OSOMATSU: We just have to keep copypasting everything to fill in the time gap!
CHOROMATSU: No, no, no, no, no!
OSOMATSU: We just have to keep copypasting everything to fill in the time gap!
CHOROMATSU: No, no, no, no, no!
OSOMATSU: We just have to keep copypasting everything to fill in the time gap!
CHOROMATSU: –AGAIN?!
OSOMATSU: See? It passes the time.
CHOROMATSU: You can’t do this! No more copying! Let’s do this properly. Make every minute, every second, important, bring out and refine each word in every line, and make a TV program that’s filled with soul!
OSOMATSU: [sighs] You said your name was Choromatsu-kun?
CHOROMATSU: I’m Choromatsu!
OSOMATSU: You said you were a newbie, right? Since you’re a newbie, you know nothing about the TV entertainment world. Listen… Even if you make a TV program seriously, the viewers won’t watch it. They’ll have it playing in the background, or record it and fast-forward, or watch bits that are illegally uploaded online, or read other people’s impressions on their blogs and feel that they’ve watched it themselves. They’ll criticize it on everything as if they have the final word on it.
CHOROMATSU: You suddenly got very serious…
OSOMATSU: They don’t make any effort and all they do is complain about what’s given to them. The TV was originally for amusement. The freedom of what consisted as amusement grew restricted and now it’s just pissing contests. Full of nothing but harmless, inoffensive topics with no change for the better. Dramas that neither poison you or heal you. News commentators with no desire to constructively criticize the news that they bring. People who only read online articles on their phones during their train commute to work, and think that they know everything there is to know about the world. It’s true that the world has turned into one of convenience. Even news that takes place on the other side of the world travels to us in an instant. But consider this, do you think that in doing so, we have achieved happiness? Information has grown. Have we become richer for it? Has it satisfied our hearts? How much must we work before we can achieve such pleasures? Humans originally had their hands full just finding food for the day. They would spend an entire day risking their lives to hunt beasts in order to obtain nutrition–
CHOROMATSU: Ummmm. Is this going to be a long story?
OSOMATSU: YOU TOOK TOO LONG!
CHOROMATSU: Eh?
OSOMATSU: I kept waiting for you this whole time to stop me! You know… Since I said words that I don’t even normally say, like “constructively criticize” and “neither poison you or heal you,” my mouth couldn’t form those words very well and I almost tripped up on saying them! I couldn’t even tell what the hell I was talking about! You should have stopped me quicker! How can you be the straight man if you’re like that?!
CHOROMATSU: Straight man?
OSOMATSU: Hot sure is summer.
CHOROMATSU: Okay…
OSOMATSU: MAKE A QUIP, WON’T YOU?! You’re supposed to say, “You mean, summer sure is hot!” If someone says something stupid, you need to make a quip fast! That’s what the straight man does!
CHOROMATSU: But I’m not a straight man…
OSOMATSU: Then what can you do? You can’t be a straight man, you can’t do free talking, you can’t even write a script!
CHOROMATSU: It was you who was writing the script, Producer Osomatsu.
OSOMATSU: All you do is complain.
CHOROMATSU: Don’t you think, in this case, that you deserve it?
OSOMATSU: I guess we’ll have to go with dynamite after all.
CHOROMATSU: I’M NOT DOING THAT!
OSOMATSU: Five should be okay, right?
CHOROMATSU: IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW MANY, I’M NOT DOING IT!
OSOMATSU: [sighs] What can you do, then? What are you good at?
CHOROMATSU: Let me see… Ah! I’m pretty knowledgeable about idols! Their hobbies, specialties, and… Ah! And their birthdays! I can recall all of their information!
OSOMATSU: You can leave stuff like that to *** and *** and ***.
CHOROMATSU: Who are they?
OSOMATSU: Legal circumstances. Anyway, isn’t there something unique about you that you can sell? Something that you, Choromatsu-kun, as an idol, can sell.
CHOROMATSU: Sell… sell… um… I… I…
OSOMATSU: You…?
CHOROMATSU: I… Hmm… What is there about me that I can sell… What can I do… I’m a normal person… Why did I even become an idol in the first place? I’m such an average guy… I’m average… Why do I exist in this world… Why was I even born… Who am I… I… I…
OSOMATSU: Hey?
CHOROMATSU: Ah! I know! I know the reason for why I exist!
OSOMATSU: What’s going on? Are you okay?
CHOROMATSU: I’ve figured it out, Producer Osomatsu! I’ve figured out why I was born into this world!
OSOMATSU: How did we reach this topic?
CHOROMATSU: I was born to affirm myself!
OSOMATSU: Huh?
CHOROMATSU: It’s okay to just be yourself. All kinds of people are born into this world, and all they need to do is just be themselves. I don’t have to think about my selling point or my specialty! I don’t need them! I just have to exist! That’s right! People of the world! Listen to my voice! Things are going to be okay. You don’t have to be troubled any longer. Everyone is born. Just that is enough! Congratulations! And, thank you! Ahh! May people all throughout the world be blessed with happiness! Look! The world shines so brightly around you!
OSOMATSU: So? What can you do?
CHOROMATSU: Sir! I cannot do aaaaanything!
OSOMATSU: Leave.
CHOROMATSU: Yes, sir!
OSOMATSU: Leave.
CHOROMATSU: Yes, sir!
OSOMATSU: Leave.
CHOROMATSU: Yes, sir!
OSOMATSU: Leave.
CHOROMATSU: Yes, sir!
OSOMATSU: Leave.
CHOROMATSU: Yes, sir!
OSOMATSU: Leave.
CHOROMATSU: Yes, sir!

——————————–
TRACK 02: If Choromatsu Was A TV Producer
OSOMATSU/CHOROMATSU: Doramatsu!

CHOROMATSU: If Choromatsu was a TV Producer.

CHOROMATSU: [claps] Good! Good, everyone, you all did great! Good work today. That’s another 120% viewership for today! And to celebrate, we’ll go to Zagin for shisu! [1] Hang on a second, you! Flag Production manager– no, germana! Have you got a moment? A moment have you got? [whispers] Look, I think your newbie has got a lot of potential. You know, like… Talent that’s hidden deep in the heart? Or whatever. I think they [2] have what it takes to become a super popular idol. I’M saying this, so it’s got to be true! Come this way, okay?

[Closes door]
CHOROMATSU: Idols sure are great, aren’t they? Did you know that the word originated from the word “statue”? “Statue,” “idola.” In other words, they’re an object that is given blind devotion. People dump all of their fortune into them without expecting anything in return, and buy tons of copies of the same CD, right? I love idols too, so I understand, but the makings of an idol who can rip off everything they can possibly rip off from other people, is what I think your newbie has. Ah, how about some tea? [pours and sips] Tea sure is good. So, how should I put this… If it’s okay with you, would you like me to bring out those qualities? Hm? Yes, yes, my own private instruction. I want to teach them a bunch of things. You know, I make quite a lot of popular shows. I’m getting viewer ratings, and I’ve got some history as a producer, so… Want some rice crackers? [eats] Yeah, I’m what’s called a TV producer with great energy. Look, I even have the cardigan draped over my shoulders, see? I’m switching words around when I talk, see? I’m around when words switching, see, I talk? You don’t know what I’m saying? Now, now, don’t mind that. There’s still more rice crackers. [eats] So, you see… In this trendy Samonine drama that’s coming up… Hm? You don’t know what Samonine is? It’s Samonine! Samonine! Not Momonine. Sa-turday, Mo-rning, Nine! Samonine. A trendy drama airing on Saturday morning at nine. It’s a new time slot. It’s gonna have a viewership of 120%, make no mistake! So, for the main protagonist of that show… I’m looking to find someone for that role right now. Which is why… I’ll be waiting in room 3 at the Flag Hotel. Tell your newbie to come see me there. Okay? Okay?

[Showers]
CHOROMATSU: [hums] I’m nervous… Babump, babump… Should I be doing this? I know I really shouldn’t be, b–but I’ve been working hard as a TV producer, so it can’t hurt if I abuse my power just a little bit! No one would have a problem if I made a nice memory for myself…

[CHOROMATSU prepares a tray in the hotel room]
CHOROMATSU: All set. Flowers, wine, cheese, and there’s oden and fried chicken! It’s perfect! With this, that newbie girl will be falling all over me! I guess I should also prepare soft drinks just in case… But maybe it would be better if there was a little bit of intoxication… Ah, I don’t know! I’ve never been alone with a girl before, so I don’t know what to do! I mean… What should I even talk about? [heart starts beating fast] C–Calm down, Choromatsu! Calm down, me! Down calm, down calm! Mmhmm. I’ll eat shisu at Zagin. Mmhmm mmhmm. I’m the producer making pop TV shows and she’s the newbie idol. [takes a deep breath and there’s a knock on the door] Babump! S–She’s here already! [louder] Y–You’re here early! [quietly] …I–I’m nervous… You can do this, me! TV producer! Have confidence! [opens door] Come on in!
OSOMATSU: Good evening!
CHOROMATSU: Good eveni– Eh? Um? …Who are you?
OSOMATSU: I’m Osomatsu from Flag Production! I was told by my manager to go see Producer Choromatsu. Um, apparently you’re going to be instructing me privately, so, thank you! I’m happy to be here!
CHOROMATSU: Ahahaha, u–um, I think there’s been some mistake? I didn’t call for you, but for Umeko-chan–
OSOMATSU: Pardon my intrusion! [walks in]
CHOROMATSU: Hey!
[door closes]
OSOMATSU: Wow, what a big room! It’s called a sweet room, right?
CHOROMATSU: Yeah.
OSOMATSU: You even have oden! Thanks for the food! [eats] This is amazing! It’s my first time in a sweet room. The oden is pretty good, sir.
CHOROMATSU: O–Oh, yeah? I’m glad.
OSOMATSU: Hmm, even though it’s called a sweet room, there’s nothing sweet about the walls or the pillars, huh?
CHOROMATSU: The “suite” for “suite room” doesn’t mean “sweet.”
OSOMATSU: So, what kind of instruction will you be giving me?
CHOROMATSU: Umm…
OSOMATSU: Will it be on acting? FHWAAATTDAAHELLZZDIIIS!!!! …What do you think?
CHOROMATSU: What do I think? It sounded like you were saying, “What the hell is this”?
OSOMATSU: Oh, is it on singing then? Ah, I could even be a program host! Hello, everyone, good morning! It’s time for Goodbye Divorcees! Oyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo! …What do you think?
CHOROMATSU: U–Um, uh… Having a TV program about divorcees sounds like a bad omen. Did you say that your name was Osomatsu-kun?
OSOMATSU: I’m Osomatsu! I’m a newbie TV star! I’ll do anything you ask!
CHOROMATSU: Anything…
OSOMATSU: Yes, anything.
CHOROMATSU: T–Then… You mean you’ll do whatever I say?
OSOMATSU: Yes, sir! Of course!
CHOROMATSU: Ahahaha… Good boy. That’s right, I’m the capable producer. Just listen obediently to what I say and it’ll be good for you. Now… relax the tension from your body… WAIT! No, no! That’s not– That’s not what I meant! Even if Osomatsu-kun listens to me obediently, I won’t be happy about it. [clears throat] Um, Osomatsu-kun? It seems that your Flag Production manager– [coughs] germana got the wrong idea!
OSOMATSU: Wrong idea?
CHOROMATSU: Yes. I’m a TV producer, and the person I called to my room is a newbie TV star. This place is a luxury hotel, with expensive wine and oden. You know what all of this means, right?
OSOMATSU: Hmmm… Ah! I know! You’re treating to a meal while giving instruction, right? Uh-oh, I ate the oden before I could receive your instruction but, thank you! Man, Producer Choromatsu, you sure are a great person! You’re using your personal time outside of work hours to instruct a newbie like me!
CHOROMATSU: Yeah, that’s right. Treating to a meal while giving instruction, you’re not wrong there. But the instruction part is a little…
OSOMATSU: A little?
CHOROMATSU: [clears throat] I wanted to give some adult instructing.
OSOMATSU: Eh?
CHOROMATSU: A-d-u-l-t, i-n-s-t-r-u-c-t-i-n-g.
OSOMATSU: Adult…?
CHOROMATSU: You know what I mean, right?! In other words, the person I called here wasn’t you, it was the girl Umeko-chan–
OSOMATSU: Of course I know what you mean! You wish to instruct on how to act during meals and how to greet others, right? So that I can become a fine adult! As expected! What a wonderful producer! It’s no wonder you get a viewership of 120%! Three cheers for Producer Choromatsu!
CHOROMATSU: Hmm… This is difficult…
OSOMATSU: What is?
CHOROMATSU: How do I say this to make you understand? Let’s see! You said you’re a newbie, right?
OSOMATSU: Yes, I’m a newbie.
CHOROMATSU: Then you don’t know much about the rules of the entertainment business yet.
OSOMATSU: You’re going to teach me that? Please give me your instruction!
CHOROMATSU: That’s not what I mean! Hmmm, how do I say this?!
OSOMATSU: What’s got you so troubled?
CHOROMATSU: IT’S YOU! I was trying to use my position as producer to my advantage!
OSOMATSU: Eh?
CHOROMATSU: Yeah! That’s right! I fell in love with Flag Production’s newbie idol, Umeko-chan! That’s why I asked her manager to have her come to my room! That I would make her the main protagonist of a Samonine program! It’s okay if even someone like me… someone like me… had something nice like that going on, don’t you think?! I just wanted to talk with her for a bit! And maybe, if luck was on my side, she would let me hold her hand! I mean, I’ve never held any girl’s hand that wasn’t my mother’s! I’ve never even held the midwife’s hand, or the nursery school teacher’s hand, or even Totoko-chan’s hand! I’m working hard at my job every day! It wouldn’t hurt for just a bit… JUST A BIT… to use my position to get along with a g–g–girl, right?! IT’S OKAY, RIGHT?!! RIGHT? IS THAT BAD? IS IT??
OSOMATSU: Ohhhh, I see!
CHOROMATSU: Yes, see! See!!
OSOMATSU: You should have told me from the start!
CHOROMATSU: I was trying to! So then, if Umeko-chan got close to me, I was planning to give her some good jobs in return!
OSOMATSU: Oh, I’ve heard of that before! It’s called… uh… something their way up… I–If I recall, it’s “sea cucumber their way up”–
CHOROMATSU: It’s “sleeping their way up”! Sleeping their way up! I didn’t go as far as sleeping yet, since I wasn’t sure if she’d even let me touch her hand or not, but I’m still using my authority to get her to do what I want! So it’s still considered “sleeping to the top”!
OSOMATSU: Ahh… Sleeping to the top… That’s wonderful!
CHOROMATSU: Huh?
OSOMATSU: You’re not only a TV producer, but you’re in the bed business as well! [3] You’re selling beds like hotcakes, aren’t you! I see… I understand now! You want me in this bed business of yours, right?
CHOROMATSU: Um… You aren’t really getting what I said.
OSOMATSU: Not only are you instructing me, but you’re introducing me to a new part-time job as well! You’re the best producer ever!
CHOROMATSU: Osomatsu-kun?
OSOMATSU: I’ll help you with sleeping to the top!
CHOROMATSU: Hey?
OSOMATSU: Should I say it in a slightly high voice like that ex-CEO in that famous mail ordering program?
CHOROMATSU: Um, would you listen–
OSOMATSU: [in a high voice] Yes, this pillow! It’s so comfortable to sleep on! Once I put my head on it, I’m away in dreamland! You can get two for the price of 3,000 yen! Also, as a sign of our gratitude, you get 5,000 yen off!
CHOROMATSU: That’ll put you in debt!
OSOMATSU: [still in a high voice] I wish to run throughout town screaming this!
CHOROMATSU: Screaming what?
OSOMATSU: You’ve really touched me deeply, so… I want to tell everyone that Producer Choromatsu is wonderful! That he’s really amazing! That he’ll let me join his bed business! Producer Choromatsu’s bed business! Producer Choromatsu’s bed business! Choromatsu’s bed business!
CHOROMATSU: STOP! Are you trying to wipe out my existence from the entertainment world?!
OSOMATSU: I know! How about from now on, instead of Choromatsu, you go by the name of Choromattress?
CHOROMATSU: Choromattress?!
OSOMATSU: It’s such a good name! The producer in the bed business! It’s like you’re shining! Choromattress! Producer Choromattress! Everyone will come flocking towards you, Producer Choromattress!
CHOROMATSU: More like they’ll be keeping their distance!
OSOMATSU: You’re so shy…
CHOROMATSU: It’ll put an end to my life as a producer!
OSOMATSU: There’s no need to be modest!
CHOROMATSU: I’m serious!
OSOMATSU: Producer Choromattress! I’ll follow you forever!
CHOROMATSU: JUST LEAVE ALREADY!!!

[1] In the old days, producers would switch syllables of a word around because it was the “cool” thing to do. So when Choromatsu says Zagin for shisu, he means Ginza for sushi. You can decipher what the other words mean as you keep reading.
[2] No pronouns are mentioned, so it’s hard to translate this into English. Hopefully I conveyed to you how the misunderstanding happened here.
[3] The literal translation for “sleeping to the top” (枕営業) is “pillow business,” but I translated “pillow” and future jokes instead to “bed” and bed-related jokes to keep in the range of both meanings.

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TRACK 03: Free Talk Corner (Takahiro Sakurai & Kamiya Hiroshi)

To be updated…

To support this site:

Where to buy this CD: Amazon.JP, CDJapan

——————————–
CAST
Choromatsu Matsuno : Hiroshi Kamiya
Jyushimatsu Matsuno : Daisuke Ono

——————————–
TRACKS
01: もしも十四松がバーのホステスだったら
02: もしもチョロ松がバーのホステスだったら
03: フリートーク（神谷浩史＆小野大輔）

——————————–
TRACK 01: If Jyushimatsu Was A Bar Hostess
CHOROMATSU: Osomatsu-san Sextuplets’ Work Experience Dramatsu CD Series.
JYUSHIMATSU: Volume 2, Choromatsu & Jyushimatsu: “Okama.” [1]

CHOROMATSU: Why… Why am I in a place like this?!?!?! This isn’t it! I shouldn’t have picked this place! There were definitely better options out there! It’s true that I’m a virgin. I’m such a virginous virgin to ever virgin that at this rate, I’m gonna turn into a magic user! [2] And I can’t deny that one of the reasons for that is because, whenever I’m faced with a real girl, I get so nervous that I clam up! But I mean, come on! I mean, girls give off such a nice smell! And they’re so soft! And I’ve never held one of them before, but I’m sure that if I did, they could break apart, they’re so delicate! And yet, with sharp words, they’ll whip me by saying terrible things about me YAHOOOOO! GIRLS ARE THE BEST! THE CREATURE OF ALL DREAMS COME TRUE! GIRLS! …But I can’t speak to them. I get nervous and I start thinking, what if they end up hating me, or what if they make fun of me and laugh at me?! …Wait a second. That actually sounds kind of nice– No, don’t think that! Don’t think that! How well I take my first step here will be my turning point towards adulthood! But even so… Was it a good idea to practice for that… at a gay bar?!?!?!
[Heeled footsteps approach]
CHOROMATSU: H–Here they come!!!
JYUSHIMATSU: Sorry to keep you waiting!♡
CHOROMATSU: Eh?
JYUSHIMATSU: Eh?

JYUSHIMATSU: If Jyushimatsu was a Gay Bar Hostess!

CHOROMATSU: Jyushimatsu…?
JYUSHIMATSU: Yep.
CHOROMATSU: Jyushimatsu…
JYUSHIMATSU: Yep.
CHOROMATSU: JYUSHIMATSUUUUU!?! W–What are you doing here?!
JYUSHIMATSU: What am I doing here? Um… I’m an okama.
CHOROMATSU: An okama isn’t something you do, it’s something you are! Or rather, something you find out that you’re born as…. I–Is that what you are?!
JYUSHIMATSU: Nope, it’s just a job.
CHOROMATSU: Why did you have to choose this job?! There are plenty of other options out there!!
JYUSHIMATSU: Sir, what would you like to drink?
CHOROMATSU: Listen when someone is talking to you!
JYUSHIMATSU: Oh, by the way, you can’t call me Jyushimatsu here. I do have an okama name.
CHOROMATSU: He’s totally immersed himself into this lifestyle…
JYUSHIMATSU: Call me… Jyushimatsuko. [3]
CHOROMATSU: THAT’S JUST WHAT YOU ARE! There’s absolutely nothing different about that name at all!
JYUSHIMATSU: Eh? Then… Jyushimatsumi.
CHOROMATSU: The first half! Change the first half!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hmm… Nijyushimatsue. [4]
CHOROMATSU: THAT MAKES NO SENSE! Why is your name turning into a eye thing? Uuuughh, this duo we’ve got!! It’s the kind where I strain myself from making too many quips, right?! Am I right?!!
JYUSHIMATSU: Sanjyushimatsuyo… Hmm, Shijyushimatsuna… Um, how old am I right now? [5]
CHOROMATSU: Going further in doesn’t lead you to an exit. Jyushimatsu, do you really want to be an okama as a part-time job?
JYUSHIMATSU: Yeah! It’s fun! Also, the people here are really good at baseball! They’re called the Golden Balls! [6]
CHOROMATSU: …I had a feeling that was the case.
JYUSHIMATSU: Mama owns a pet golden retriever. Its name is Kintaro.
CHOROMATSU: She has too much lingering attachment to what she’s lost… Anyway, there’s a dog in this bar?!
JYUSHIMATSU: It’s okay! It’s not a man anymore!
CHOROMATSU: THAT’S NOT! THE PROBLEM! …Fine then. If you’re that serious about this, Jyushimatsu, then as your older brother, I, Choromatsu, will put my ass in a sling for you.
JYUSHIMATSU: Wow, you’re going to bare your ass for me?! Mama will be pleased!
CHOROMATSU: Stop, stop, that’s not what I meant! How can you say something so scary that easily?
JYUSHIMATSU: Ehhh, you’re not going to strip then?
CHOROMATSU: NO. What I meant was, as your older brother, I want to support you in what you do. Jyushimatsu, you’ve missed the most important thing.
JYUSHIMATSU: Hmm… Hit the ball at the center of the bat?!
CHOROMATSU: Uh, well, that is also important… but that’s not what I meant! It’s your name! Your name! Listen, Jyushimatsu, let’s say for instance that there’s Totoko-chan and Todoko-chan. Which name do you think sounds cuter?
JYUSHIMATSU: Todoko-chan.
CHOROMATSU: Are you serious?! Then… let’s pretend that we have here an idol who’s recently debuted. One of them is Himemiya Moena-chan. The other is Jinbabue Nobuye Bonbayeller! Which would you rather support?
JYUSHIMATSU: Jinbabue Nobuye Bonbaye! Bonbaye!!
CHOROMATSU: YOU would! But the rest of the world would go for Moena-chan! Your nickname is also important. Moerin or Babueta! Which is bette–
JYUSHIMATSU: Babueta!!
CHOROMATSU: I’m not asking your opinion anymore! [sighs] After meeting many underground idols, lavishing money on them, sinking money into them, and being taunted and kicked around, I as your older brother want to celebrate your departure into society as a functioning member, so I will think up the best okama name ever for you!
JYUSHIMATSU: I like Babueta.
CHOROMATSU: An okama name… The main point would be that it is in katakana… Something unexpected but still easy to get familiar with, while also carrying magnificence and splendour and reliability with it… Clotilde… No, wait… Josephine… No, that one’s too typical… It has to have more impact…
JYUSHIMATSU: Hey, Choromatsu-niisan, can I eat some chocolate?
CHOROMATSU: Sure, sure. Hmm, Beatrice? …Anastasia… Evangelina… No… Maybe just go Japanese…?
JYUSHIMATSU: I’m thirsty, can I have a coke?
CHOROMATSU: Sure, sure. Kaoruko… Michiru… Kirara?
JYUSHIMATSU: I want pizza.
CHOROMATSU: Sure, sure. Cuteness also has to be a factor… Lulu… Maron… Mocha… That sounds a bit like a dog’s name…
JYUSHIMATSU: Choromatsu-niisan, I’m sleepy.
CHOROMATSU: Sure, sure. Candy, or maybe Melty? Not something too cliched, but still giving off the sense that it’s honoring tradition… Milky… That sounds rather Showa era-ish…
JYUSHIMATSU: [snores]
CHOROMATSU: I mustn’t forget that it has to be high-class too. Something deluxe! Gorgeous! Luxurious! Looks!

[Birds chirping in the morning]
CHOROMATSU: I DID IT! The best stage name that Matsuno Choromatsu has come up with in my entire lifetime!
JYUSHIMATSU: [walks up] Oh, are you done?
CHOROMATSU: Listen! With this name, you will rise to the top of the okama world! From now on, Jyushimatsu, you are… Fabulous Angelique Serena Macaron Honey Lemon the Fourteenth! Your nickname, Pokotan! What do you think? Perfect, isn’t it?! The invincible okama who no one can resist falling in love with! Yes! Okama princess! Okama queen! Okama god! [takes a deep breath] I’m shivering… I’m shivering with fear over my own talent… Maybe I can keep this up and become an idol producer! Hehe! Hehehe!
JYUSHIMATSU: Huh? Oh! My name? I’ve decided it to be Jinbabue Nobuye Bonbaye. Mama said she LOVES it.
CHOROMATSU: Eh?!
JYUSHIMATSU: Also, here. Your bill.
CHOROMATSU: Hostess designation fee, All Night charge. Coke, pizza, pocky, cucumber sticks, mixed nuts, beef jerky, french fries, fried chicken, dried squid, and edamame? [flips] Yakisoba, takoyaki, highball, curry, a large serving of ice cream… In total… 352,974 yen?!
JYUSHIMATSU: Mmm♡ Thank you, come again!

[1] “Okama” means “male transvestite.” It used to mean a gay male who dressed up as a woman and prostituted themselves for anal sex, but now it has changed to include men who are not necessarily gay but have stereotypically female characteristics. Since neither Choromatsu or Jyushimatsu refer to each other in their role with a specific pronoun, I went with neutral ones for the translation. Except for “Mama,” for which I use feminine pronouns for the more obvious feminine inclination that the title gives.
[2] There’s a slang in Japanese that if you are still a virgin after a certain age, you are regarded as something of a mythical creature that can use magic.
[3] Adding “ko” and “mi” to any name gives the indication that the person is a girl.
[4] “Nijyushimatsue” written out in Japanese means “24 Matsue” (二十四松江) and along with the “eyes” reference, it refers to a popular 1950s Japanese novel that became a TV drama called “24 Eyes.”
[5] Sanjyushimatsuyo (三十四松代) and Shijyushimatsuna (四十四松菜) are all different variations of a number+female name variation, with “Jyushimatsu” added in.
[6] “Golden Balls” in Japanese is “kintama,” which is slang for “testicles.” Kintaro is also a subtle reference to that.

——————————–
TRACK 02: If Choromatsu Was A Bar Hostess
CHOROMATSU/JYUSHIMATSU: Doramatsu!

CHOROMATSU: If Choromatsu was a Gay Bar Hostess

CHOROMATSU: Why… Why am I working in a place like this?!?!?! This isn’t it! I shouldn’t be in this place! There were definitely better jobs out there! It’s true that I’ve sunk myself into massive debt. And for some reason, no matter how much I work and work, the debt keeps growing and before I realized it… I’ve grown quite comfortable with being an okama… No, but I’m not a reborn okama! I’m simply just a business okama! No, no! If I want to live my own life, I need to take my job as an okama seriously and repay my debt! It’ll be okay! I should be able to do this! Yes, I can! Yes, I can!
[The door opens]
CHOROMATSU: A customer is here!!! Uhu♡ Welco– ah. Ahhhhhhh!
[Heeled footsteps approach]
CHOROMATSU: You’re… The legendary okama… Jinbabue Nobuye Bonbaye!
JYUSHIMATSU: Oh honey, don’t call me by that name!

JYUSHIMATSU: [humming]
CHOROMATSU: U–Um… Nobuyetan-san? If I could bother you for just a second…
JYUSHIMATSU: Yes? What is it?
CHOROMATSU: After you took on the name Jinbabue Nobuye Bonbaye and left the bar, you became the top okama in the blink of an eye and created a chain of stores all across Japan, rising to the top of the okama world. You became a well-known face on afternoon TV broadcasting, and your debut album “When You Slip, Your Legs Should Look Like Japanese Quotation Marks” sold over one hundred million copies. Your life story was made into a movie by Hollywood. You created a new political party called the Golden Ball party and just when there was a countdown that you would be next in line for Prime Minister, you disappeared without a trace. Why are you in this store now?
JYUSHIMATSU: Hey. Are you familiar with Siberia?
CHOROMATSU: Huh? U–Um, you mean… the one in Russia?
JYUSHIMATSU: No~ You know, the one that’s square-shaped and triangle-shaped sometimes, and has castella and anko paste.
CHOROMATSU: The sweet? [1]
JYUSHIMATSU: Yes, yes~ Just so you know… I love Siberia!
CHOROMATSU: O–Okay… [thinking] I have no idea where they’re going with this…
JYUSHIMATSU: So, after this really loooooooooong meeting one day, I got hungry and I could see my grandma waving to me from the other side of the river.
CHOROMATSU: I have no idea where they’re going with this, it’s despairing!!!
JYUSHIMATSU: And then, would you know it, the Prime Minister gave me Siberia! Then I thought, I absolutely MUST eat this in Siberia!
CHOROMATSU: Eh?
JYUSHIMATSU: So I took the bullet train and zoomed over there!
CHOROMATSU: Bullet train…
JYUSHIMATSU: But Siberia turned out to be pretty far away and I started getting sleepy when we were crossing through Tamagawa.
CHOROMATSU: Tamagawa…
JYUSHIMATSU: Right when I was dozing off to sleep, there was suddenly a slam and a wham and bam bam bam bam bam, and the sound of pistols!
CHOROMATSU: Pistols?!
JYUSHIMATSU: People kept piling into the car saying “Borscht, borscht!” and I thought, “Oh, these guys are planning to eat my Siberia!” so I jumped out the train window.
CHOROMATSU: Action?!
JYUSHIMATSU: Then there came a giant blizzard, and my Siberia froze. It doesn’t taste very good when it’s frozen solid, did you know?
CHOROMATSU: Okay…
JYUSHIMATSU: Then, after I finished eating it, I went back home.
CHOROMATSU: You went to eat Siberia in Siberia… You threw away the chance to become Japan’s first okama Prime Minister just for that?! That’s deep! That’s very deep, Babuetan-san!
JYUSHIMATSU: Ehehe, no need to compliment me that much.
CHOROMATSU: Oh, by the way, the Siberia dessert isn’t actually made from Siberia.
JYUSHIMATSU: Oh, I see. So, where’s Mama?
CHOROMATSU: She retired.
JYUSHIMATSU: Ehhhhh?!
CHOROMATSU: Her golden retriever Kintaro double-crossed her. Even though it was being pampered so much, it stole the golden angels that Mama was collecting and ran off. Mama was in such despair that she gave up the bar and went back to her country. While I phrase it like that though, she lives in Musashino-Koganei. [2]
JYUSHIMATSU: Ehhhhh… Huh? Then why is this bar still here?
CHOROMATSU: It was acquired. My debt was taken up along with the furnishings of the bar, so in terms of the bar’s existence, nothing’s really changed.
JYUSHIMATSU: Oh, so you’re working here! Ooh! What’s your name?
CHOROMATSU: C–Choromi. [awkward pause] Never mind that, Babuetan-san. Why have you come back to this bar?
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehe. The smell, I suppose.
CHOROMATSU: The smell? I guess the days you had spent in this place must have been so important to y–
JYUSHIMATSU: I smelled oden!
CHOROMATSU: There wasn’t a good story behind it at all!
JYUSHIMATSU: I want to eat oden!
CHOROMATSU: That oden is my dinner… But I’ll share it with you if you’ll allow me to ask you one question.
JYUSHIMATSU: Okay, okay, I’ll answer whatever you want!
CHOROMATSU: You promised! [stands up] Just wait a bit, okay? [lights up the stove]

CHOROMATSU: Thank you for waiting! I warmed up my share as well, since it doesn’t look like there will be anymore customers for today anyway. Let’s close up shop.
JYUSHIMATSU: All right~ Thank you for the food!
CHOROMATSU: I’ll eat too.
[JYUSHIMATSU and CHOROMATSU eat hot oden]
JYUSHIMATSU: [in between chewing] So… What is it… that you want me to teach you?
CHOROMATSU: Well… [slurps] Um… O…
JYUSHIMATSU: Hm?
CHOROMATSU: [slurps] Please teach me how to be a better okama!
JYUSHIMATSU: Eh? Is that all you want to know?
CHOROMATSU: Yes! The art of conversation that you possess, to be able to calm down the rage of pro-wrestlers in a fight with a single word! The unifying force that you have, to create a new political party in a flash! The beauty that you have, to have rich and powerful men at the top of the financial world lay heaps of money at your feet! Please pass all of that down to me! So that I may repay my debt!
JYUSHIMATSU: [puts chopsticks away] Very well.
CHOROMATSU: Y–Yes!
JYUSHIMATSU: I will now teach you a secret that I have never before shared with anyone else. However… It WILL hurt.
CHOROMATSU: Eh? D–Does it involve cosmetic surgery?
JYUSHIMATSU: Slides over. From this point on, due to our current circumstances, we will be conveying this scene to you, the listener, only through sound!
CHOROMATSU: Eh? We’ve been conveying through sound this whole tim– Ahhh?! You use something that big in…?! I–I can’t do that!
JYUSHIMATSU: You want to become a first-class okama, don’t you?
CHOROMATSU: B–But THIS big… Ahhhhh…
JYUSHIMATSU: No one will be coming here until the next morning. There will be plenty of time for me to teach you thoroughly.
CHOROMATSU: Is this about to go ChoroJyushi?! I–Is it okay for the official side to be doing that?!
JYUSHIMATSU: Heh. Hahaha. As long as there isn’t any artwork to go along with it, no one will get mad at us.
CHOROMATSU: I’m pretty sure they WILL get mad at us! …Eh? Ahhh… AHHHHHHHHH!
[CHOROMATSU’s screaming fades]

CHOROMATSU: [breathes heavily]
JYUSHIMATSU: [also breathing heavily] You did well. Now, as a last review! First… pitch!
CHOROMATSU: While keeping the shoulder pliable, use your elbow correctly and add a stable spin to the ball! [pitches]
JYUSHIMATSU: Swing!
CHOROMATSU: Bring yourself to the ball and swing around as if to wrap your arms around your body! [swings]
JYUSHIMATSU: Defend!
CHOROMATSU: Grab the ball firmly with the center of your glove and bring your leg out towards the direction that you want to throw! [throws the ball]
JYUSHIMATSU: Perfect work, Choromi-kun! With this, you have passed with flying colors the Jyushimatsu Test of how okama you are!
CHOROMATSU: [emotional] Coach… Thank you! –THIS IS BASEBAAAAALL!!! And why do we have to eat piping hot oden while we practice?!?!?! I don’t understand at all! My mouth feels like it’s drooling!!!
JYUSHIMATSU: You greenhorn! Do you still not get it yet?!
CHOROMATSU: Eh?
JYUSHIMATSU: If you don’t eat oden quickly, it’ll get cold!
CHOROMATSU: Then why not practice AFTER we’ve eaten it?! Isn’t there something else, like, advice on how to not act as an okama, or stuff about thick makeup that actually doesn’t make you look pretty when you’re drunk inside the dimly lit bar?!
JYUSHIMATSU: Eh? But all I’ve talked about has been about baseball.
CHOROMATSU: W–What about the raging pro-wrestlers?
JYUSHIMATSU: When I taught them how to throw a ball properly, they said it improved their lariat!
CHOROMATSU: The new political party?!
JYUSHIMATSU: It’s a baseball team.
CHOROMATSU: The money heaps?!
JYUSHIMATSU: They wanted me to be their coach, but I turned them down because it was a pain.
CHOROMATSU: Then… everything… was baseball?
JYUSHIMATSU: Yep! Now then, let’s go to practice! We’re gonna raid a street baseball team!
CHOROMATSU: I… I give up…

[1] Siberia dessert
[2] Koganei in Musashino city is still located in Tokyo, so Mama didn’t travel very far.

——————————–
TRACK 03: Free Talk Corner (Kamiya Hiroshi & Ono Daisuke)

To be updated…

To support this site:

Where to buy this CD: Amazon.JP, CDJapan

——————————–
CAST
Osomatsu Matsuno : Takahiro Sakurai
Ichimatsu Matsuno : Jun Fukuyama

——————————–
TRACKS
01: もしも一松が占い師だったら
02: もしもおそ松が占い師だったら
03: フリートーク（櫻井孝宏＆福山 潤）

——————————–
TRACK 01: If Ichimatsu Was A Fortune-teller
OSOMATSU: Osomatsu-san Sextuplets’ Work Experience Dramatsu CD Series.
ICHIMATSU: Volume 1, Osomatsu & Ichimatsu: “Fortune-tellers.”
OSOMATSU: If Ichimatsu was a Fortune-teller.

[OSOMATSU walks outside and takes a deep breath]
OSOMATSU: Okay.
[OSOMATSU opens a large front door and walks in]
OSOMATSU: Excuse me, um… I–Is there…
[A great gale of wind blows]
OSOMATSU: A–A–A–Anyone…
[Birds chirp in a vast forest]
OSOMATSU: Innnnn…
[Waves crash along the coast]
OSOMATSU: Heeeeeere?! What the hell is this place?!
[Candles light up]
ICHIMATSU: Ahh. Welcome to the fortune-teller’s mansion.
OSOMATSU: There’s NO WAY that this is a mansion! What the hell is up with this place?! I seriously wanna know what this house’s blueprint looks like! Are you able to pay the rent?! …And is that you, Ichimatsu?!
ICHIMATSU: [sighs] Your lack of good reflexes makes me wanna vomit, Osomatsu-niisan. You’re Vomit-matsu.
OSOMATSU: Well, too bad! It’s Karamatsu who’s Vomit-matsu, not me! What are you even doing here?
ICHIMATSU: I’m fortune-telling. What about you, Osomatsu-niisan?
OSOMATSU: I’m your customer. Eh? Ichimatsu-kun. From my memory, I don’t recall you being able to tell fortunes?
ICHIMATSU: Oh… Well… If it’s an issue between doing it and not being able to do it, I can… I think.
OSOMATSU: You THINK? You THINK you can?!
ICHIMATSU: It’s not about whether you can do it or not, what’s more important is whether you actually do it or not. That’s what someone important once said.
OSOMATSU: Who is this important person?! As a customer, what matters is whether you get it right or not!
ICHIMATSU: If you think it’s right, then it’s right. If you think it’s wrong, then it’s wrong.
OSOMATSU: That’s really vague…
ICHIMATSU: Those who believe will be saved.
OSOMATSU: You’re looking even more and more suspicious.
ICHIMATSU: Fine then. In that case… I will correctly guess what you had for dinner last night. [takes a deep breath and starts shaking madly, frothing] Fish-paste cake!
OSOMATSU: You’re right!! And you suddenly took on a character!
ICHIMATSU: Yesterday, you spent the entire day counting how many different color pages there were in your household’s manga magazines.
OSOMATSU: Kyaaaah, how did you know?? But you WOULD know because you’re family! You ate fish-paste cakes with me last night! For the color pages, Choromatsu was in charge of the green-colored pages, Todomatsu was in charge of pink, Jyushimatsu was in charge of yellow, and it was you who wrote down the list, Ichimatsu! This isn’t fortune-telling at all! There’s more to this, isn’t there?! Something like, using my birth date, or my star, or my blood type, or my ancestors, or my handwriting style, or shaking those long chopsticks in a jar, or spinning a glass thing, or tossing around paper stuff!
ICHIMATSU: You just got lazy at the last bit, didn’t you. You mean bamboo divination sticks, the crystal ball, and tarot cards. Fine then. In that case…
OSOMATSU: YOU CAN DO THAT?! C’mon, don’t hold out on me, man! Hurry up and show me! Hyuu! Hyuu!!
[ICHIMATSU blows quickly on something]
OSOMATSU: What was that?
ICHIMATSU: Dust fortune-telling.
OSOMATSU: What are you, an anal in-law?!
[ICHIMATSU blows quickly on something again]
OSOMATSU: Now what?!
ICHIMATSU: Cat hair fortune-telling.
OSOMATSU: THERE’S NO DIFFERENCE.
ICHIMATSU: I can’t tell your fortune when I don’t even know what you want your fortune told on in the first place, Osomatsu-niisan.
OSOMATSU: I, Osomatsu, am feeling like the floor has dropped out from beneath me by your sudden, appropriate response to the matter at hand.
ICHIMATSU: You’re here because you want your fortune told on something, right? What is it?
OSOMATSU: Uh, well… Y’know, uh… Fortune-telling is a circumstantial program that’s about revealing your inner troubles and having them looked at objectively, and like… It’s hard to talk about it to a relative, and like… In fact, fortune-telling depends on how well you bring out that information from the customer, and like… I dunno if I want to talk to Ichimatsu about it, of all people, and like… If I was asked who I would rather talk to about it, that would also be a tough question to answer… I GUESS Choromatsu… But no, he won’t do either… Then maybe Todomatsu… But that’s also…
ICHIMATSU: You can’t.
OSOMATSU: Eh?
ICHIMATSU: I’m the only fortune-teller in this place.
OSOMATSU: Really?! Now I’m even more worried about how you’re paying rent!
ICHIMATSU: That’s why you only have the choice of consulting me, or consulting no one at all. But if you don’t consult anyone, that would end this drama CD right there, and you would have to spend the remaining 25 minutes solo-performing your shitty, boring gags.
OSOMATSU: That’s a living hell.
ICHIMATSU: So… What is it you want your fortune told on?
OSOMATSU: Ehhhh… Mnggbhmm…
ICHIMATSU: Hah?
OSOMATSU: Mgbhnnnmm…
ICHIMATSU: HAH?
OSOMATSU: I said! I’m worried if I’ll be able to marry at this rate!
ICHIMATSU: Uwah… That’s so realistic that you just turned me off…
OSOMATSU: What about you, then?! Are you sure you’re seeing reality properly?! Listen! The only female character that’s been regularly appearing in this show so far is Totoko-chan! Even if one of us six got married to her, what happens to the other five?! The numbers don’t match up, no matter how much you try! Also, Iyami, Chibita, and Hatabo are ALL single! I don’t know the marital status of Dayon and Dekapan… Ughh, but if those two actually are married, that would be a little depressing… Anyway! Japan’s, uh… Daikon percentage?
ICHIMATSU: Hah?
OSOMATSU: Lotus root percentage? No, I mean, pickled vegetable percentage!
ICHIMATSU: Are you hungry?
OSOMATSU: Wait… Just give me a minute and I’ll remember the right word… Ehhmm… Ehhhhhm……
ICHIMATSU: Do you mean unmarried percenta–
OSOMATSU: Shit percentage!
ICHIMATSU: You said the word you definitely should not have said.
OSOMATSU: I heard on TV that if your shit percentage is too high, you can’t get married.
ICHIMATSU: Just how done is Japan, if you can’t get married because of something like that? Are you an idiot? Are you Idiot-matsu?
OSOMATSU: Oh, stop…
ICHIMATSU: I’m not complimenting you in the slightest.
OSOMATSU: Anyway! My shit percentage is high and that’s why I can’t get married. Also, the ratio of males to females in this anime is 10 to 1, right? It’s utter despair! There’s no dreams, hope, or shit in this world at all! I’ve been thinking on this a lot, and I tried eating satsuma potatoes and yogurt and burdock and prunes, and doing stretches and yoga… But I’m still not seeing results…
ICHIMATSU: I think you should stop thinking. In fact, I think you should stop living.
OSOMATSU: How do I get my bowel movements to move consistently? How do I get married?!
ICHIMATSU: Since you’re correlating your bowel movements with marriage at this point, it’s never gonna happen.
OSOMATSU: Since it’s come to this, I thought, I should ask a fortune-teller for advice… And that’s why… [starts sobbing quietly]
ICHIMATSU: [sighs] You sure are an idiot, Osomatsu-niisan. You were worried over something like that?
OSOMATSU: Ichimachuu…
ICHIMATSU: Seriously, you’re an Idiot-matsu, or more like Vomit-matsu, or more like Useless-matsu, or more like Scrap-matsu, or more like Trash-matsu, or more like What’s-the-point-in-you-living-matsu, or more like We’re-probably-better-off-just-being-five-brothers-matsu…
OSOMATSU: Okay, I’ll go die.
ICHIMATSU: Now, now, now. Listen, Osomatsu-niisan. We sextuplets all have the same face, right?
OSOMATSU: Why are you asking such an obvious question?
ICHIMATSU: We just have to use that to our advantage. Who do you think among us is the most popular with the girls?
OSOMATSU: Uh… Todomatsu, I guess? He’s the most feminine among us.
ICHIMATSU: Then Todomatsu should capture Totoko-chan’s heart and marry her.
OSOMATSU: EH?! If he marries her, that’s end of story!
ICHIMATSU: Shut up, Worthless-matsu. This is where the important part comes in, just shut up and listen.
OSOMATSU: Yes, sir…
ICHIMATSU: On Mondays, Todomatsu returns home. On Tuesdays, it will be you, Osomatsu-niisan. You pretend to be Todomatsu when you return home. On Wednesdays, it’ll be Shitty-matsu. On Thursdays, it’ll be Choromatsu. On Fridays, it’ll be me. On Saturdays, it’ll be Jyushimatsu. We should at least let Totoko-chan have Sundays to herself, so that she can rest. See? It’s not a problem at all. Hehehe… Even with just one girl, we can all be married.
OSOMATSU: [shivers] Ichimatsu… You fearsome child… B–But, wouldn’t doing that be something illegal?
ICHIMATSU: [sighs] This is why you’re such a Clumsy-fool-matsu, Osomatsu-niisan. Listen. Even without bringing up the male to female ratio or unmarried percentage, there’s no way that we can get married in the first place. We’re NEETs.
OSOMATSU: Hauuhhh!
ICHIMATSU: We have no other choice but to use illegal means if we want to get marrie– Ah. But… There was another way.
OSOMATSU: W–W–W–What?!
ICHIMATSU: Hehe… Hehehehe… We just have to reduce the number of rivals.
OSOMATSU: Eh? Um, Ichimatsu-kun?
[The candle lights go out]
OSOMATSU: Kyah! Ichimatsu-kun?! I–It’s pitch-black in here! Did the electricity go out? You should switch to LED lights! Are you sure you’re paying your utility bills?! Ichimatsu-kun?!!
ICHIMATSU: Don’t worry. No one will notice that six Matsu have become five Matsu… It sure is convenient having the same face…
[ICHIMATSU fades out laughing as a door shuts]
OSOMATSU: Huh? Now that I think about it, I didn’t get my fortune told at all… But I didn’t pay anyway, so it’s okay– No, it’s not okay!! It’s not okay!! Ichimatsu-kun? I’ve gradually started feeling that I wouldn’t mind being single for my entire life! And more important than that, keeping your bonds with your siblings is important… [OSOMATSU’s stomach starts to gurgle] Ah… my stomach is starting to hurt… B–Bathroom! Is there a bathroom in here?!

——————————–
TRACK 02: If Osomatsu Was A Fortune-teller
OSOMATSU/ICHIMATSU: Doramatsu!

ICHIMATSU: If Osomatsu was a Fortune-teller.

[ICHIMATSU walks outside and stops]
ICHIMATSU: Osomatsu-niisan?
[A door swings open. ICHIMATSU walks in]
ICHIMATSU: Osomatsu-niisan! Are you in here? [pause] Huh? Are you in here or not?
[A great gale of wind blows]
ICHIMATSU: Ugh, this is bothersome…
[Birds chirp in a vast forest]
ICHIMATSU: Heeeey!
[Waves crash along the coast]
ICHIMATSU: Idiot-matsu-niisan? What a shitty pain in the ass…
[Candles light up]
ICHIMATSU: I went down to the very bottom. [calls out] Hey! I don’t wanna climb back up these stairs to get home again.
[A rustling sound]
ICHIMATSU: Oh, there he is. Osomatsu-niisan, hey– Who are you?
OSOMATSU: Whoaa! How many years has it been since someone last stepped in here!
ICHIMATSU: Are you… Osomatsu-niisan?
OSOMATSU: That voice! C–Could it be…? Choromatsu!
ICHIMATSU: No.
OSOMATSU: What? Are you saying that you’re Todomatsu?
ICHIMATSU: No.
OSOMATSU: Your voice brings me back memories, Jyushimatsu.
ICHIMATSU: Including the atmosphere that I give off, you’re way off the mark.
OSOMATSU: I knew that you would come one day, Karamatsu.
ICHIMATSU: I’m gonna kill you.
OSOMATSU: Then who are you?
ICHIMATSU: Ichimatsu.
OSOMATSU: Oh, Ichimatsu.
ICHIMATSU: What’s this, Osomatsu-niisan? What’s going on with you?
OSOMATSU: I am not Osomatsu!
ICHIMATSU: You’re kind of shaggy-looking but you have the same face as me.
OSOMATSU: I am no longer Osomatsu! I have discarded the name Osomatsu. Now, I am… Let’s see… Slow-matsu.
ICHIMATSU: Hah?
OSOMATSU: Or Osopine.
ICHIMATSU: I don’t care either way. Fine then, I’ll call you Osopine.
OSOPINE: Never mind what I’m doing here, what are you doing here, One-matsu?
ICHIMATSU: I haven’t changed my name, Osoma– Osopine-niisan. You weren’t coming when I called, so I came here to see what you were up to.
OSOMATSU: Oh my! So you were concerned about me! Thank you! Thank you, Ichipine! However, I am no longer returning to the surface world.
ICHIMATSU: Eh? Why not?
OSOMATSU: I have a new family now. I simply cannot abandon them.
ICHIMATSU: Here…? There are other humans in here?
OSOMATSU: I see… Since your eyes are dazzled by the light at the surface, you are unable to see them. How pitiful, Ichimatsu.
ICHIMATSU: You already went back to calling me normally.
OSOMATSU: Very well! I will show you my new family! C’mon, family!
[pause]
ICHIMATSU: Where are they?
OSOMATSU: Look hard at your feet.
ICHIMATSU: My feet? [walks backwards] Where are they?
OSOMATSU: Look, over there. In that– [ICHIMATSU walks backwards] Ahhh, no! Don’t step on them!
[ICHIMATSU steps on something]
OSOMATSU: MY FAMILY!!!
ICHIMATSU: Eh? By family, you mean… These insects?
OSOMATSU: They’re not insects!! They were my precious family! Earthworms and mole crickets and pond skaters are all living creatures, they’re all insects!!!
ICHIMATSU: You just called them insects yourself… C’mon, your family is gone now, so let’s go home.
OSOMATSU: Hnnghh… Not yet. I still have family here!
ICHIMATSU: Bats, right?
OSOMATSU: NO!
ICHIMATSU: Then you mean mushrooms.
OSOMATSU: I already ate all the mushrooms!
ICHIMATSU: Moss.
OSOMATSU: I ate the moss too!
ICHIMATSU: Mold?
OSOMATSU: The mold too.
ICHIMATSU: For real? Your stomach is the only thing about you that I respect, Osomatsu-niisan.
OSOMATSU: Just my stomach?!
ICHIMATSU: Eh? Is there something else I can respect?
OSOMATSU: Uh… no.
ICHIMATSU: See? Now, let’s go home.
OSOMATSU: No! No! I’m not going!
ICHIMATSU: Osomatsu-niisan… You’re starting to make me mad.
OSOMATSU: Eeeek! I–I have a family here!
ICHIMATSU: A family of earthworms, mole crickets, pond skaters, mushrooms, moss, and mold, right?
OSOMATSU: No! It was back when I was initially trapped in this place. [takes on a storyteller’s voice] While I was starving and dehydrated, I dug a hole in search of more mushrooms, moss, and mold. Day by day, I kept digging.
ICHIMATSU: Why did you dig down? If you’d dug up, you could have left this place.
OSOMATSU: Eh? Is that so? I didn’t realize! Oh well… [back in his dramatic voice] Day by day, I dug, until one day, I finally dug my way into a giant cave. Deep inside, I found…
ICHIMATSU: [gulps] Y–You found…?
OSOMATSU: A lost underground empire!
ICHIMATSU: Let’s go home.
OSOMATSU: It’s true!! It’s really true! Believe me!!!
ICHIMATSU: I knew after you said you’d ate mold that you’d turned funny…
OSOMATSU: There really are underground people in here!!!
ICHIMATSU: Yes, yes, there are, there are.
OSOMATSU: Nnngghhh… In that case…
[OSOMATSU picks up ICHIMATSU]
ICHIMATSU: Eh?!
[OSOMATSU starts running wildly, roaring]
ICHIMATSU: Wah… Why is this happening… Umm… How far is he going…?
OSOMATSU: [roars]
ICHIMATSU: I can’t believe he dug a hole this long… As expected of Osomatsu-niisan, the miraculous moron…
OSOMATSU: [roars]
ICHIMATSU: [yawns] I’m sleepy…
OSOMATSU: [roars]
ICHIMATSU: [snores]
OSOMATSU: [roars] HERE WE ARE!!!
ICHIMATSU: [wakes up groggily] W–W–We’re here?
OSOMATSU: Look!!! This is my underground empire!!!
ICHIMATSU: Wow… It really does exist… So this is what it looks like deep inside the earth… Huh? Someone’s coming.
[Sounds of footsteps]
ICHIMATSU: W–We’re surrounded by a large number. Are we about to die?
OSOMATSU: These are the underground people who live here. Look, look. Over~ there~
ICHIMATSU: Eh? …Osomatsu-niisan’s face is drawn on a flag!
OSOMATSU: A lot of stuff happened and I became the king of this place!
ICHIMATSU: I really wanna know what you mean by “a lot of stuff”…
OSOMATSU: Well, you see, I’m a fortune-teller, right?
ICHIMATSU: EH? You are?!
OSOMATSU: I wanted to get closer to the people here, so I tried it by keeping on, telling their fortunes. Stuff like, “The sun will not shine today as always” or “The percentage of light tomorrow will be zero percent.”
ICHIMATSU: I don’t think that’s fortune-telling…
OSOMATSU: I kept being right all the time, and before I knew it, I became their king! Isn’t that awesome?
ICHIMATSU: So becoming a king is easier than becoming a weather forecaster…
OSOMATSU: Being a king is great! You get to drink and eat all you want! I got to spend my dream of eating and sleeping fully without having to work! Someone like me who was a NEET on the surface world is a King in the underworld!
ICHIMATSU: Even in the underworld, you’re still a NEET…
OSOMATSU: There were some influential powers who were against me, so I was close to being assassinated a few times, but it’s nothing to worry about~ Nothing important, really~
[An arrow flies towards them]
ICHIMATSU: W–Wha… An arrow came at us! Are you sure you’re not being assassinated right now?! Worry about that, won’t you?!
OSOMATSU: Don’t worry, I dodge it just before it hits me.
ICHIMATSU: You should let it hit you. No matter how you look at it, this is a coup d’etat or an overthrowing of the government in the works! …Also, why isn’t anyone here talking? Even I’m doing my best and talking a lot this time.
OSOMATSU: They don’t talk.
ICHIMATSU: That’s the issue?!
OSOMATSU: Yeah. So whenever you want to convey something to them… You do this… This… And this… Through pantomime!
[More arrows fly towards them and hit OSOMATSU]
ICHIMATSU: Eh? What did you just tell them? The underground people are pissed off!
OSOMATSU: I said, “If you don’t have moss, you should eat mold.”
ICHIMATSU: WOW, you sure are irritating. No waiting on the guillotine for you.
OSOMATSU: Don’t worry, I dodge it just before it hits–
ICHIMATSU: They hit you, you’re spurting blood everywhere.
[A fire burns]
ICHIMATSU: Hey, Osomatsu-niisan, your skin is being burnt.
OSOMATSU: Hmm, is it because I’m a beloved, popular king with a natural marshmallow body?
ICHIMATSU: [shivers] Wah, I just got goosebumps all over which has rarely happened to me recently. Your positivity can bring about death. In fact, I respect that, but… Isn’t it a good idea to leave here?
OSOMATSU: Hmph! I finally obtained this normie life! I won’t let go of it over my dead body!
ICHIMATSU: I don’t think this is what you’d call a normie life, but… I see. Okay then. It doesn’t matter to me whether Osomatsu-niisan comes back home or not to begin with. In fact, I don’t wanna die in circumstances that you dragged me into. It’s unfortunate but it’s not unfortunate and it’s really not unfortunate, but as a public stance, I’ll say that it’s unfortunate that this had to happen. Ah… But it really isn’t unfortunate.
OSOMATSU: Ichimatsu. Tell Dad, Mom, and the other Matsu to take care. Tell them that your older brother… Your older brother has become a normie star!
ICHIMATSU: Yeah… You’re about to become a star in a different sense. Oh, by the way. Can I eat your ham-katsu?
OSOMATSU: Ham-katsu?
ICHIMATSU: For dinner.
OSOMATSU: Eh?
ICHIMATSU: Mom told me to call you, that shitty NEET, over because it’s almost dinnertime.
OSOMATSU: Eh?
ICHIMATSU: Only thirty minutes have passed since you’ve been trapped here, Osomatsu-niisan.
OSOMATSU: EH?
ICHIMATSU: It’s incredible that you managed to dig that hole and become the underworld’s king in only thirty minutes.
OSOMATSU: N–N–No way… That can’t be… We’re having ham-katsu for dinner today?!
ICHIMATSU: That’s what you’re shocked about?
OSOMATSU: I’m going home!
ICHIMATSU: What about the underground empire? You’re its king, aren’t you?
OSOMATSU: The arrows and stuff are dangerous, so I resign!
ICHIMATSU: What about your family of pond skaters, and bats, and mushrooms, and moss, and mold?
OSOMATSU: Ham-katsu tastes better!
ICHIMATSU: So they were food, not family!
OSOMATSU: I~ chi~ ma~ tsu~~ Let’s go home already! Ham-katsu! Ham-katsu!
[OSOMATSU and ICHIMATSU start running back]
ICHIMATSU: But… After all that’s said and done, it is pretty amazing that you became the underworld’s king in an instant… Nothing less from the miraculous moron…
OSOMATSU: You think so too, huh?! It’s a talent, I bet! A hidden talent! Hahaha! Maybe I should aim to be king on the surface world, too!
[The door shuts]

OSOMATSU: Was that okay for a fortune-telling theme? The title seems like a scam, doesn’t it?
ICHIMATSU: Heh. You ask that now?

Osomatsu is called “Slow-matsu” for “Osoi (slow)” and for “Matsu (pine).”
Ichimatsu is called “One-matsu” for “Ichi (one).”

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TRACK 03: Free Talk Corner (Sakurai Takahiro & Fukuyama Jun)

To be updated…

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Where to buy this CD: Amazon.JP, CDJapan

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CAST
Yuusuke Makishima: Shotarou Morikubo
Jin Tadokoro: Kentarou Itou
Jinpachi Toudou: Tetsuya Kakihara
Hayato Shinkai: Satoshi Hino
Yasutomo Arakita: Hiroyuki Yoshino
Spectators: Katsuhiro Tokuishi, Haruka Jinya, Wataru Komada
Female Customers: Aimi Tanaka, Erina Hasumi, Asami Yano

STAFF
Screenplay: Ayumu Hisao
Music Director: Takeshi Takadera
Music: Kan Sawada
With Cooperation From: Akita Shoten, Weekly Shonen Champions Editorial Staff, Naoko Ueda (Toms Entertainment)

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TRACKS
01: 東堂VS巻島、オシャレ対決!?
02: 探偵、新開隼人。助手、荒北靖友。その1
03: 雨やどり
04: 探偵、新開隼人。助手、荒北靖友。その2
05: 応・援・団!
06: 探偵、新開隼人。助手、荒北靖友。その3

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SHINKAI HAYATO: Original concept by Watanabe Wataru. TV Anime “Yowamushi Pedal GRANDE ROAD.”
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Mini-drama CD, Side Road 2.
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: “Toudou VS Makishima’s Fashion Battle?!”

TADOKORO JIN: Phew, I sure ate a lot!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Even though this B-class gourmet fair is a shopping center event, it was pretty extravagant.
TADOKORO JIN: See? It was worth coming all this way, wasn’t it?
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Yeah. The travel makes good practice too, so it worked o–…
TADOKORO JIN: Huh? What’s wrong, Makishima?
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Geh! Toudou!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Hm? It’s Maki-chan!
SHINKAI HAYATO: Oh! Hey, Jin-kun! Fancy seeing you here.
TADOKORO JIN: Shinkai! What, did you guys come for the B-class gourmet fair too?
SHINKAI HAYATO: Nah, we’re just here for a little shopping.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: If we make the round trip here by bike, it makes for perfect practice too.
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Heh! So we both thought the same.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Hmm… In any case. Why are you dressed like that, Maki-chan?!!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Huh?
TOUDOU JINPACHI: That’s another strange pair of pants that you’re wearing. Why is one pants leg short and the other one long?
TADOKORO JIN: (That Toudou… He easily commented on the thing that I’ve been wanting to comment on this whole time and couldn’t!)
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: It’s fashionable.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: No, there’s clearly something out of place here! Have you been dancing so hard that you’ve not only shaken your horizontal senses out of balance, but your fashion sense too?
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: None of your business! Besides, I don’t want to hear that from you!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Not only can I climb, but I’m a good conversationalist, as well as good-looking with good fashion sense!! What fault could I possibly have?
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Your hairband is lame.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Wha–?! This hairband is THE representation of my fashion sense! The very SYMBOL of it! No. No, this won’t do. I cannot pretend that I hadn’t heard those words, even if they came from you, Maki-chan!! …Besides, you said the same exact thing when we first met!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Huh? I did?
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Grr…! It appears that we’ll have to make things clear once and for all. The fates must have brought us together here for a reason! In fact, it was destiny! This is the perfect time! We’ll compete to see which of us has the better fashion sense!
ALL: Compete?
TOUDOU JINPACHI: We’ll choose what we think is the best among the clothes in that shop there and coordinate a full-body outfit. Our teammate will act as our model.
TADOKORO JIN: Teammate… You mean me?! Hey! Don’t drag me into this!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: The customers that are in this shopping center will act as our judges. Only girls, of course.
TADOKORO JIN: Are you listening to me?!
SHINKAI HAYATO: Haha, sorry, Jin-kun. Jinpachi becomes a bit of a pain when he’s like this. Why don’t you give in and play along for a little while?
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Wha– Why do we suddenly have to do this?
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Hmm? What’s the matter? Are you running away, Maki-chan?
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: …Of course not.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Heh! Then fight me! Let’s go!

X X X

MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Jeez, this is a pain… Besides, my model isn’t in my favor…
TADOKORO JIN: Huh? Did you say something?
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: N–Nothing! (Think positively, Yuusuke! If I make Tadokorocchi with his bear-like stature look slimmer, that would earn me higher points!)

X X X

TOUDOU JINPACHI: Hmm, I can’t decide… This one is nice, but the one before wasn’t bad either… But choosing something that flatters my model would be the best way to go… Hey, Shinkai!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: ?! …While I’m putting serious consideration in choosing clothes, he’s being surrounded by girls?!
SHINKAI HAYATO: Kapow.
[The girls scream]
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Shinkai?! What are you doing?!
SHINKAI HAYATO: I’m just waiting for you to finish choosing clothes.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Don’t stir up a strange atmosphere just by waiting! In fact, don’t stand out more than me! Huff, honestly… Wait a second. (If I make him look cool with my perfect coordination, it will attract the girls’ cheering to him no matter how much I dislike that!) No! No, this won’t do at all!
SHINKAI HAYATO: Jinpachi? Have you decided yet? Time is almost up.

X X X

MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Entry No. 1, Makishima Yuusuke’s coordination. My model is Tadokoro Jin. The highlight of this outfit are the large earmuffs and the gently uprisen fur of the clothes. The contrast of softness and bodily curliness make his face and body appear smaller.
SHINKAI HAYATO: Ooh, those are big earmuffs. They make you look kind of like, uh–
TOUDOU JINPACHI: You look like a bear!
TADOKORO JIN: Who are you calling a bear?!
SHINKAI HAYATO: But Jin-kun, the girls are saying that you looking like a bear is cute, so they really like it!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: WHAAAAAAT?!
TADOKORO JIN: O–Oh… Is that so?

X X X

TOUDOU JINPACHI: Entry No. 2, Toudou Jinpachi’s coordination. My model is Shinkai Hayato. The highlight of this outfit is the way it casually looks on him.
TADOKORO JIN: It doesn’t look just casual, more like it looks so casual that–
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: To be honest, it makes him look plain.
SHINKAI HAYATO: Aw, not by that much!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: I–It’s not plain! Do you know how difficult it was to reach down to this level of faultlessness that bordered exactly on the line between possible and impossible?!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Why did you have to reach DOWN to that level?
TOUDOU JINPACHI: T–That’s because, um…
TOUDOU JINPACHI: (Oh no… What have I done? My fear of Shinkai gaining the girls’ attention overpowered me so greatly that I put the brakes on my naturally good tastes!!!)
TADOKORO JIN: Can we get judged and end this already?
SHINKAI HAYATO: Yeah, some girls took an interest at we’re doing, so we conveniently have a crowd of them watching us right now.
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Okay then, clap if you like Entry 1!
[The girls clap]
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Clap if you like Entry 2!
[The girls clap]
TADOKORO JIN: A tie, huh…
SHINKAI HAYATO: It’s a tie.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: No! No, a tie won’t do! A conclusion must be reached! From this point on, it doesn’t matter whether we’re from Hakogaku or Sohoku. This is a fight between two men, Toudou Jinpachi and Makishima Yuusuke!
TADOKORO JIN: Then don’t involve other people!!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Let’s make it an even easier contest this time! Choose which T-shirt you think is the best in this shop and wear it. The next one will be the stage where we settle this once and for all!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Heh! Just the way I want it!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Let’s go!
[TOUDOU and MAKISHIMA run off]
TADOKORO JIN: …I can’t keep up with this.
SHINKAI HAYATO: Want to go eat something?
TADOKORO JIN: Great idea! How does the food court sound?

X X X

TOUDOU JINPACHI: Well? Are you ready, Maki-chan?
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Yeah! This is the best fashion choice that I’ve made thus far.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Heh, same here, Maki-chan! In that case, we’ll step out of the fitting rooms at the count of three and show our T-shirts. MAKI-CHAAAAAN!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: JINPACHIIIII!
TOUDOU JINPACHI/MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: One, two, three!
[TOUDOU and MAKISHIMA throw off the fitting room curtains]
TOUDOU JINPACHI/MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: !
[The girls gasp]
TOUDOU JINPACHI/MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: The same T-shirt?!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Hey, don’t cheat, Maki-chan!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: As if I would! Don’t copy ME!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Huh?! What an unbelievable accusation!! This T-shirt was made for me!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Huh? Why do you say that?
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Heh! This picture of a mountain and a crown at the center of the shirt… It’s the perfect representation of King of the Mountain! As the mountain god, this T-shirt suits me!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Huh? This mark was a mountain and a crown?
TOUDOU JINPACHI: You didn’t know that? Then what on earth made you decide on this T-shirt?
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: The designs of the right and left sleeves are different, which is cool!
TOUDOU JINPACHI/MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: ……
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Since we chose the same T-shirt, it’s another draw.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: There’s no helping it then. Our next contest will definitel–… Huh?
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: I… get the feeling that we’re being glared at…
TOUDOU JINPACHI: No, it’s not your imagination… The store employees are clearly glaring daggers at the two of us…
TOUDOU JINPACHI/MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: W–We’re sorry! (sho)

X X X

MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Why did I have to get the same T-shirt as you!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: There was no other choice! They didn’t look like they would let us leave until we bought something first.
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: I guess I can’t blame them, after all the clothes we tried on and how we dragged other customers into it..
TOUDOU JINPACHI: All right then! Next time, I’ll choose clothes for you, Maki-chan! How’s that for an idea?
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Absolutely not.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Wahahaha! Don’t be modest, Maki-chan!

——————————–

SHINKAI HAYATO: “Detective Shinkai Hayato and Assistant Arakita Yasutomo, Part 1.”

[ARAKITA walks into the clubroom]
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Honestly, those guys…
SHINKAI HAYATO: Oh? What’s wrong, Yasutomo?
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Some members are ditching practice because they’re scared of a ghost that appears in the middle of broad daylight.
SHINKAI HAYATO: A ghost?
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: [in a scary voice] “So weird, so weird~ I saw a shadow through the glass windows, so I thought there was someone there and stepped inside the clubroom, but it was empty~ Pitter patter, pitter patter, all I hear are footsteps and the sense that someone is around.”
SHINKAI HAYATO: Ohh, a ghost who hangs around the clubroom in the daytime, huh? And it escapes pretty quickly. Did that ghost also have an antenna on its head?
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Now that you mention it, they did say there was something moving back and forth on its head… Hanging around in the daytime… Escapes quickly… Antenna… Ahoge…… Ah! It’s that oddball?!
SHINKAI HAYATO: Correct. Kapow.

——————————–

TOUDOU JINPACHI: “Taking Shelter From The Rain.”

[TOUDOU, ARAKITA, and SHINKAI burst into the clubroom]
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Ah, damn it, I’m soaking wet! What did they mean, “Chance of rain only 10%”? What a load of bull!
SHINKAI HAYATO: That was a lucky 10%.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: There’s nothing “lucky” about it, it’s “unlucky”! Jeez… At least we were about to finish up when it started pouring.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Yeah, the sky suddenly got dark and the rain came down in the blink of an eye.
SHINKAI HAYATO: There wasn’t even enough time to get our rain gear ready, so there was no helping it.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Biking is an all-weather sport, but not even I could handle this much rain. But… Toudou Jinpachi. [flicks back his hair and poses] Wahahaha! Look! I’m the very example of a strikingly good-looking man, even soaking wet!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: [Sighs] I knew you’d say that. And don’t spray your water drops everywhere!
SHINKAI HAYATO: You should change and dry yourself off quick, Jinpachi, or else you’ll catch a cold.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Just leave him, Shinkai, he’ll be okay. Idiots don’t catch colds.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: WHAT?!
SHINKAI HAYATO: Now, now.
[ARAKITA opens his locker]
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Tch. It’s only at a time like this that I don’t have a towel or a jersey to change in.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: There’s no helping it then. I’ll lend you my towel. Use it gratefully.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Sure, rejoice, I WILL use it gratefully.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: [Sighs] Dry yourself off better! What if you catch a cold?
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Shut up, what are you, okan (my mother)?
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Okan (chills)? See, look! You’re starting to feel cold symptoms!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Idiot, I don’t mean “chills,” I mean “mom”. I asked if you were my mother.
[TOUDOU approaches and grabs the towel]
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Hey, stop! What the hell are you doing?!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Just sit still! I’ll dry you!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: I don’t need that!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: You can’t argue with me!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: I told you to stop!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Gimme your head!
SHINKAI HAYATO: I’ll leave my T-shirt here, Yasutomo. You can wear it, if you want.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Huh? …Oh, thanks. I’ll borrow it then.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Are you really okay with that, Shinkai? You won’t have a change of clothes for yourself then.
SHINKAI HAYATO: I’m not that wet, and if I have to, I can wear my school uniform. Anyway, Yasutomo and Jinpachi, you guys should really change soon.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO/TOUDOU JINPACHI: I know! [sneezes]
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: In any case, this rain sure isn’t stopping.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: I thought it would be a passing shower, but it’s really pouring. The gutters will overflow at this rate.
[SHINKAI gasps and throws the clubroom door open]
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Shinkai, why did you open the door?!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: You’re bringing the rain in!
SHINKAI HAYATO: Sorry, Yasutomo, Jinpachi! You two stay here!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Where are you going?
SHINKAI HAYATO: I’ll be right back!
[SHINKAI closes the door and runs off]
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: He left.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: He seemed in a real hurry… I wonder what happened to him?
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: How should I know… [Sighs] This is boring.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Hm! You leave me no choice then. I’ll tell you a story of this land, passed down from long ago, about a ghost that appears on rainy days.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Huh? Ghost?
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Long, long ago, a man escaped to this land after running away from the capital. It was raining on that day, so he travelled from villager to villager, begging for shelter. However, the villagers turned him away since they feared getting arrested for sheltering him. As the cold rain poured down on him, the man at last fell to the ground, his energy spent, and died. However, his soul was unable to pass on and he became a demon. Now, on rainy days, he wanders this area, dragging his soaking wet body through the rain…
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Boring.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: WHAT?!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Heh! That story’s obviously just a superstition! Even the ghost in the clubroom the other day turned out to be Manam– WAAAH!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: That was just a mop against the wall falling to the ground, Arakita.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Huh? ……Who the hell left this sitting around like that?! Keep it in the lockers!!
[ARAKITA picks up the mop and puts it in the lockers, slamming it shut]
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Heh! After all is said and done, you were scared!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Ah? I was not–
TOUDOU JINPACHI: [smugly] Don’t worry! When the time calls for it, I’ll protect you!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Why do I have to be protected by you?! Don’t tell me that you can not only climb but exorcise spirits as well.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Hmph, I don’t need to exorcise. I’m known as the mountain god. The ghosts will run away by my presence alone! Wahahaha!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Yeah, I guess even ghosts would leave because they don’t wanna deal with an idiot.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Ugh, how long is this going to keep up?
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Now, now, calm down, Arakita. There is no rain that doesn’t end.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Shut up! Tch, in this case, I don’t care about not having an umbrella. I’ll go home soaking wet!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Wait, what about Shinkai?
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Oh yeah, now that you mention it, he’s not back yet. Where the hell did he go?
TOUDOU JINPACHI: …Could that ghost have…?
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: You’re still talking about that? It’s just a superstition, how many times do I gotta tell you–
[There’s knocking on the clubroom door]
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Huh? Who’s that?
TOUDOU JINPACHI: …!!! Ara… kita…? G–G–Gh–Ghost…
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Hah! You can’t fool me with your lame acting.
TOUDOU JINPACHI: J–Just look! That shadow behind the glass… I–It’s not human…
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Huh? Shadow? [Gulps] …It has… two horns…
[Lightning cracks and TOUDOU and ARAKITA scream]
SHINKAI HAYATO: [banging on the door] Hey! Hey! Open up! Yasutomo! Jinpachi!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: Eh? ….Eh?! Shinkai?!
[TOUDOU opens the door and SHINKAI walks in]
SHINKAI HAYATO: Sorry about that, I had both my hands full.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO/TOUDOU JINPACHI: U… Usakichi… /U… Usakichi-kun…
SHINKAI HAYATO: I tried to grab him because it would be bad if the rabbit pen flooded, but since the rain was so horrible, it took a while for me to persuade Usakichi to come out from his den…
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Idi–… You–… DON’T COME HERE WITH THE RABBIT ON YOUR HEAD!
SHINKAI HAYATO: He just refuses to come down, so I had no choice but to hold him there with both hands and come back like this…
TOUDOU JINPACHI: WE THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE A GHOST!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: We got the wrong idea because you told that story in the first place!!
TOUDOU JINPACHI: You’re blaming ME?!
SHINKAI HAYATO: Ghost? You two were talking about an interesting story, huh? I wish I could’ve heard it too.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: It’s not interesting at all!
SHINKAI HAYATO: Hm? …Ah, there, there. I’ll dry you off right now, so sit still, Usakichi. [Dries USAKICHI with a towel] Oh, by the way, Jinpachi, Yasutomo… Have you heard the rumor of a demon that appears at the clubroom on rainy days?
ARAKITA YASUTOMO/TOUDOU JINPACHI: I DON’T CARE!

——————————–

ARAKITA YASUTOMO: “Detective Shinkai Hayato and Assistant Arakita Yasutomo, Part 2.”

SHINKAI HAYATO: What’s wrong, Yasutomo? You have an intently concerned look on your face, which is rather rare of you.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Don’t casually insult me! Jeez… I picked up this piece of paper from over there just now, and I think it belongs to Fuku-chan, but I have no idea what it’s about.
SHINKAI HAYATO: Hm? Let me see… Yeah, this is Juichi’s handwriting. All it has is a list of words… It’s like a code.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: He wrote stuff like “Last minute sale” and “dried sardines” and “kelp soup stock,” so could it be a shopping list?
SHINKAI HAYATO: No, there’s “postage stamp” written on it too, and none of it is related to biking.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: “Roulette,” “friend”… What’s “Unrequited Lover’s Cape,” some enka song? Don’t tell me that this is a poem he uncharacteristically thought up– No, that can’t be it.
SHINKAI HAYATO: “Heiten sale (Last minute sale)” … “Roulette”… “Tomodachi” (friend)… “Chirimen-jako” (dried sardines)… “Konbu-dashi” (kelp soup stock)… “Shitsuren-misaki” (Unrequited Lover’s Cape)… “Kitte” (postage stamp)… “Tekkamen” (Stiff-face)…
SHINKAI HAYATO/ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Ah.
SHINKAI HAYATO: I’ve got it, Yasutomo! This is shiritori!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Wait. Fuku-chan did this all by himself?

——————————–

TADOKORO JIN: “Cheering Squad.”

ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Don’t stand around, Shinkai! Hurry up! The race is starting soon!
SHINKAI HAYATO: Haha… Now, now, don’t rush me, Yasutomo! I’ve got a lot of luggage here…
TADOKORO JIN: Oh? Hey! There’s a spot here, Makishima!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Heh! Perfect place to watch the race, Tadokorocchi!
TADOKORO JIN/MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE/ARAKITA YASUTOMO/SHINKAI HAYATO: Ah.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: You guys! You’re Sohoku!
TADOKORO JIN: Geh! Hakogaku!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Which means…
SHINKAI HAYATO: Juichi is racing from our school. How about you?
TADOKORO JIN: Kinjou, of course. He’s our ace.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Haaaah, what a pity. You came all this way just to watch your ace lose.
TADOKORO JIN: Ohh? You seem pretty relaxed, but our Kinjou is a man who never gives up.
SHINKAI HAYATO: Hate to break it to you, but Juichi is strong, Jin-kun.
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: The same to you. Don’t underestimate the Snake of the Stone Path.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Hah! It’s Fuku-chan who’s gonna win!
[ALL glare at each other]
TADOKORO JIN: Never mind. The cheering from the sidelines acts as an energy source for the competitors. Sohoku’s jersey is only complete when our cheers come together. Now that we’re here, we’ll help Kinjou to win!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Ah? If that’s all that it takes to win, everyone would be a winner.
TADOKORO JIN: What?! You’ve said it now, Arakita! Hey, Makishima! Bring out that thing!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: T–That thing?! Are you serious, Tadokorocchi?!
TADOKORO JIN: Yeah! I’m full of seriousness just like I’m always full of oxygen!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: B–But while we were on our way here, you saw that thing and said for yourself, “No way in hell, let’s cheer normally!”
TADOKORO JIN: T–That’s true, but…
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: What’s the matter? I bet that all you’re doing for cheering is raising your voices stupidly loud. Don’t talk big when you’re not even gonna put your body into it.
TADOKORO JIN: …I can’t stay quiet after being made fun of like that. Just bring it out, Makishima!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Eh?? …S–Sho!!

X X X

ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Hah? What’s that flashy-looking happi coat?
SHINKAI HAYATO: It’s really glossy and sparkly… The color of the cloth really sticks out.
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: This is embarrassing.
TADOKORO JIN: Endure it, Makishima! The more your cheering sticks out, the better it is! Even moreso when you put your body into it!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: If I knew this was going to happen, I would have handed this thing straight back to Onoda when he said “You should wear these when you cheer!” and gave them to me…
TADOKORO JIN: Don’t grumble your complaints. Here, hold this.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Heh! What’s that?
SHINKAI HAYATO: I think it’s a glowstick. The kind that’s used in live concerts.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Glowstick? But why are they holding one in both hands? They could just use one hand.
SHINKAI HAYATO: No, it’s possible that what they’re doing with it is…
TADOKORO JIN: Here we go!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: …Sho!!
TADOKORO JIN: [cheering to the Love Hime song] Go, go! (MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Sho!) Go! (Sho!) Go on and get past him, go! (Sho!) Go! (Sho!) Kira-kirarin! With us around, you’re definitely (MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Definitely sho!) invincible! Go, go! (Sho!) Go! (Sho!) Go on and get past him, go! (Sho!) Go! (Sho!) Kira-kirarin! Turn those pedals and use all your power! (Sho sho!) A win is a win! (Sho!) It’s a win! (Sho!) Go win! (Sho!) Kinjou! Fight!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: …They’re waving glowsticks in both hands and singing, are they morons?
SHINKAI HAYATO: That’s the kind of dancing and yelling that fans do at pop concerts, isn’t it?
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: But here, of all places? They’re idiots.
SHINKAI HAYATO: But the other spectators seem to really like it. Look around you, Yasutomo.
[The crowd cheers “Sohoku! Sohoku!”]
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Wha–?! (The other people got pulled in by their crazy cheering and they started up a call for Sohoku!) Tch! We won’t lose to Sohoku! Hey, Shinkai! Don’t you have some ideas?!
SHINKAI HAYATO: To tell you the truth, Jinpachi gave me goods that we can use for cheering. They’re big and heavy, so it was tough work carrying them.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Tell me that sooner! [opens the bag] This is it, huh!
SHINKAI HAYATO: Jinpachi gave me the bag, saying we can use what we wanted. I haven’t taken a look inside yet for myself, though.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: [pulls something out] This is… Kggh!
SHINKAI HAYATO: Pom-poms? It looks like they go together with this costume.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: ……A skirt.
SHINKAI HAYATO: I think it’s a cheerleader’s outfit.
TADOKORO JIN: Hahaha! What’s this? Is Hakogaku gonna dress up as girls?
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Kwah! Now that’s what I call putting your body into it!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: [rips up the outfit] NOOOOO FUCKING WAAAAAY! [throws costume to the ground] That Toudou… When we get back at school, he’s dead.
SHINKAI HAYATO: Now, now, wait, Yasutomo. [holds something up] How about this?
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Huh, which one?
SHINKAI HAYATO: Look, this one. At least it isn’t a skirt.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Tch. Fine. I’m doing this for Fuku-chan, so I’ll wear it!!

X X X

ARAKITA YASUTOMO: THIS is what you gotta wear when you’re cheering!
SHINKAI HAYATO: Heh… It’s surprisingly not bad.
TADOKORO JIN: A long black coat and a headband…
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: It DOES make them look like THE cheering squad…
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: [yelling] Hip, hip, hooray! Fu-ku-chan! Fight, fight, Fuku-chan!
SHINKAI HAYATO: [yelling] You can do it, you can do it, Juichi! Don’t lose, don’t lose, Juichi!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: [yelling] Go! Go! Ha-ko-ga-ku!
SHINKAI HAYATO: [yelling] Fly through! Fly through! Ha-ko-ga-ku!
TADOKORO JIN: …Hey, Makishima… What are those embarrassing fans decorated with hearts that they’re waving in both hands?
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Fans? …I couldn’t tell before since they were waving them around, but now that I look carefully… They have a photo of Fukutomi’s face printed on them! Er… What do they say?
TADOKORO JIN: “F-U-K-U-T-O-M-I”… Fukutomi…
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: “T-E-K-K-A-M-E-N”… Tekka… men…
TADOKORO JIN: “Okay, Juichi”… “I am strong”…
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: “Do the pointy finger thing”… Wha… I thought they looked familiar! Those are the same fans that the girls in Toudou’s fanclub use!
TADOKORO JIN: Except as the Fukutomi version.
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: How embarrassing…
TADOKORO JIN: Aren’t they embarrassed?
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Ahh?! You guys are the only ones that I don’t wanna hear that from!
SHINKAI HAYATO: We’re both in embarrassing states.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Heh! We’re putting our all into this for Hakogaku… For Fuku-chan!
[The crowd starts cheering “Hakogaku! Hakogaku!”]
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: The crowd is calling for Hakogaku!
TADOKORO JIN: We can’t lose either! Let’s do this, Makishima!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Sho!
TADOKORO JIN/MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: So-hoku! So-hoku!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO/SHINKAI HAYATO: Ha-kogaku! Ha-kogaku!
TADOKORO JIN/MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Kin-jou! Kin-jou!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO/SHINKAI HAYATO: Fu-kutomi! Fu-kutomi!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: Here they come!
SHINKAI HAYATO: Hey! It’s the front!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Where’s Fuku-chan?!
TADOKORO JIN: He’s neck-to-neck with Kinjou!
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: GOOOO! FUKU-CHAAAAAN!
TADOKORO JIN: GO ALL OUT, KINJOOOOOU!
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: GET THE GOAL!
SHINKAI HAYATO: THAT’S IT, JUICHI!
[KINJOU and FUKUTOMI pass by, while ARAKITA, TADOKORO, MAKISHIMA, and SHINKAI gasp heavily for air]
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: …Did you see that?
TADOKORO JIN: …Yeah… I did…
MAKISHIMA YUUSUKE: …Kinjou and Fukutomi saw us… And their mouths fell open…
SHINKAI HAYATO: …No, it felt more like they were exasperated with us…
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Fuku-chan’s stone-face… had a trace of a grimace in it…
TADOKORO JIN: Oh shit… When we get back, we could be in for a long lecture…
ALL: …We’ve done it now…

——————————–

SHINKAI HAYATO: “Detective Shinkai Hayato and Assistant Arakita Yasutomo, Part 3.”

SHINKAI HAYATO: Did you hear, Yasutomo? Izumida left his takoyaki in the clubroom yesterday and someone ate it.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Ahh? Ahh…
SHINKAI HAYATO: Takoyaki is actually his favorite food, but normally he stops himself from eating it so that he can build his muscles.
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Ahh…?
SHINKAI HAYATO: He was really looking forward to eating that takoyaki since he hadn’t in so long… It’s such a sad story… Don’t you think so too, Yasutomo? …Yasutomo?
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: …AAAARGH, IT WAS ME, ALL RIGHT?! ME! I’M THE CRIMINAL! Can you blame me?! I was super hungry and there was no one else in the clubroom and a tray of hot, steaming takoyaki right in front of my eyes! Anyone would eat it if they were in the same situation!
SHINKAI HAYATO: I see! Then let’s go right now and take Izumida out to eat takoyaki! Your treat. Okay?
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Tch, fine. I just have to treat him, right?! Fine!!
SHINKAI HAYATO: Haha! I know a good place! They even have takoyaki that’s chocolate-banana flavored–
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Definitely not eating that one. [starts leaving the clubroom]
SHINKAI HAYATO: [follows] Oh, I know! Why don’t we bring along Juichi, Jinpachi, and Manami too?
ARAKITA YASUTOMO: Why do I have to pay for Toudou and the oddball’s share too?! And yours?!

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