おそ松さん 6つ子のお仕事体験ドラ松CDシリーズ おそ松&一松『占い師』
Osomatsu Matsuno : Takahiro Sakurai
Ichimatsu Matsuno : Jun Fukuyama
TRACK 01: If Ichimatsu Was A Fortune-teller
OSOMATSU: Osomatsu-san Sextuplets’ Work Experience Dramatsu CD Series.
ICHIMATSU: Volume 1, Osomatsu & Ichimatsu: “Fortune-tellers.”
OSOMATSU: If Ichimatsu was a Fortune-teller.
[OSOMATSU walks outside and takes a deep breath]
[OSOMATSU opens a large front door and walks in]
OSOMATSU: Excuse me, um… I–Is there…
[A great gale of wind blows]
[Birds chirp in a vast forest]
[Waves crash along the coast]
OSOMATSU: Heeeeeere?! What the hell is this place?!
[Candles light up]
ICHIMATSU: Ahh. Welcome to the fortune-teller’s mansion.
OSOMATSU: There’s NO WAY that this is a mansion! What the hell is up with this place?! I seriously wanna know what this house’s blueprint looks like! Are you able to pay the rent?! …And is that you, Ichimatsu?!
ICHIMATSU: [sighs] Your lack of good reflexes makes me wanna vomit, Osomatsu-niisan. You’re Vomit-matsu.
OSOMATSU: Well, too bad! It’s Karamatsu who’s Vomit-matsu, not me! What are you even doing here?
ICHIMATSU: I’m fortune-telling. What about you, Osomatsu-niisan?
OSOMATSU: I’m your customer. Eh? Ichimatsu-kun. From my memory, I don’t recall you being able to tell fortunes?
ICHIMATSU: Oh… Well… If it’s an issue between doing it and not being able to do it, I can… I think.
OSOMATSU: You THINK? You THINK you can?!
ICHIMATSU: It’s not about whether you can do it or not, what’s more important is whether you actually do it or not. That’s what someone important once said.
OSOMATSU: Who is this important person?! As a customer, what matters is whether you get it right or not!
ICHIMATSU: If you think it’s right, then it’s right. If you think it’s wrong, then it’s wrong.
OSOMATSU: That’s really vague…
ICHIMATSU: Those who believe will be saved.
OSOMATSU: You’re looking even more and more suspicious.
ICHIMATSU: Fine then. In that case… I will correctly guess what you had for dinner last night. [takes a deep breath and starts shaking madly, frothing] Fish-paste cake!
OSOMATSU: You’re right!! And you suddenly took on a character!
ICHIMATSU: Yesterday, you spent the entire day counting how many different color pages there were in your household’s manga magazines.
OSOMATSU: Kyaaaah, how did you know?? But you WOULD know because you’re family! You ate fish-paste cakes with me last night! For the color pages, Choromatsu was in charge of the green-colored pages, Todomatsu was in charge of pink, Jyushimatsu was in charge of yellow, and it was you who wrote down the list, Ichimatsu! This isn’t fortune-telling at all! There’s more to this, isn’t there?! Something like, using my birth date, or my star, or my blood type, or my ancestors, or my handwriting style, or shaking those long chopsticks in a jar, or spinning a glass thing, or tossing around paper stuff!
ICHIMATSU: You just got lazy at the last bit, didn’t you. You mean bamboo divination sticks, the crystal ball, and tarot cards. Fine then. In that case…
OSOMATSU: YOU CAN DO THAT?! C’mon, don’t hold out on me, man! Hurry up and show me! Hyuu! Hyuu!!
[ICHIMATSU blows quickly on something]
OSOMATSU: What was that?
ICHIMATSU: Dust fortune-telling.
OSOMATSU: What are you, an anal in-law?!
[ICHIMATSU blows quickly on something again]
OSOMATSU: Now what?!
ICHIMATSU: Cat hair fortune-telling.
OSOMATSU: THERE’S NO DIFFERENCE.
ICHIMATSU: I can’t tell your fortune when I don’t even know what you want your fortune told on in the first place, Osomatsu-niisan.
OSOMATSU: I, Osomatsu, am feeling like the floor has dropped out from beneath me by your sudden, appropriate response to the matter at hand.
ICHIMATSU: You’re here because you want your fortune told on something, right? What is it?
OSOMATSU: Uh, well… Y’know, uh… Fortune-telling is a circumstantial program that’s about revealing your inner troubles and having them looked at objectively, and like… It’s hard to talk about it to a relative, and like… In fact, fortune-telling depends on how well you bring out that information from the customer, and like… I dunno if I want to talk to Ichimatsu about it, of all people, and like… If I was asked who I would rather talk to about it, that would also be a tough question to answer… I GUESS Choromatsu… But no, he won’t do either… Then maybe Todomatsu… But that’s also…
ICHIMATSU: You can’t.
ICHIMATSU: I’m the only fortune-teller in this place.
OSOMATSU: Really?! Now I’m even more worried about how you’re paying rent!
ICHIMATSU: That’s why you only have the choice of consulting me, or consulting no one at all. But if you don’t consult anyone, that would end this drama CD right there, and you would have to spend the remaining 25 minutes solo-performing your shitty, boring gags.
OSOMATSU: That’s a living hell.
ICHIMATSU: So… What is it you want your fortune told on?
OSOMATSU: Ehhhh… Mnggbhmm…
OSOMATSU: I said! I’m worried if I’ll be able to marry at this rate!
ICHIMATSU: Uwah… That’s so realistic that you just turned me off…
OSOMATSU: What about you, then?! Are you sure you’re seeing reality properly?! Listen! The only female character that’s been regularly appearing in this show so far is Totoko-chan! Even if one of us six got married to her, what happens to the other five?! The numbers don’t match up, no matter how much you try! Also, Iyami, Chibita, and Hatabo are ALL single! I don’t know the marital status of Dayon and Dekapan… Ughh, but if those two actually are married, that would be a little depressing… Anyway! Japan’s, uh… Daikon percentage?
OSOMATSU: Lotus root percentage? No, I mean, pickled vegetable percentage!
ICHIMATSU: Are you hungry?
OSOMATSU: Wait… Just give me a minute and I’ll remember the right word… Ehhmm… Ehhhhhm……
ICHIMATSU: Do you mean unmarried percenta–
OSOMATSU: Shit percentage!
ICHIMATSU: You said the word you definitely should not have said.
OSOMATSU: I heard on TV that if your shit percentage is too high, you can’t get married.
ICHIMATSU: Just how done is Japan, if you can’t get married because of something like that? Are you an idiot? Are you Idiot-matsu?
OSOMATSU: Oh, stop…
ICHIMATSU: I’m not complimenting you in the slightest.
OSOMATSU: Anyway! My shit percentage is high and that’s why I can’t get married. Also, the ratio of males to females in this anime is 10 to 1, right? It’s utter despair! There’s no dreams, hope, or shit in this world at all! I’ve been thinking on this a lot, and I tried eating satsuma potatoes and yogurt and burdock and prunes, and doing stretches and yoga… But I’m still not seeing results…
ICHIMATSU: I think you should stop thinking. In fact, I think you should stop living.
OSOMATSU: How do I get my bowel movements to move consistently? How do I get married?!
ICHIMATSU: Since you’re correlating your bowel movements with marriage at this point, it’s never gonna happen.
OSOMATSU: Since it’s come to this, I thought, I should ask a fortune-teller for advice… And that’s why… [starts sobbing quietly]
ICHIMATSU: [sighs] You sure are an idiot, Osomatsu-niisan. You were worried over something like that?
ICHIMATSU: Seriously, you’re an Idiot-matsu, or more like Vomit-matsu, or more like Useless-matsu, or more like Scrap-matsu, or more like Trash-matsu, or more like What’s-the-point-in-you-living-matsu, or more like We’re-probably-better-off-just-being-five-brothers-matsu…
OSOMATSU: Okay, I’ll go die.
ICHIMATSU: Now, now, now. Listen, Osomatsu-niisan. We sextuplets all have the same face, right?
OSOMATSU: Why are you asking such an obvious question?
ICHIMATSU: We just have to use that to our advantage. Who do you think among us is the most popular with the girls?
OSOMATSU: Uh… Todomatsu, I guess? He’s the most feminine among us.
ICHIMATSU: Then Todomatsu should capture Totoko-chan’s heart and marry her.
OSOMATSU: EH?! If he marries her, that’s end of story!
ICHIMATSU: Shut up, Worthless-matsu. This is where the important part comes in, just shut up and listen.
OSOMATSU: Yes, sir…
ICHIMATSU: On Mondays, Todomatsu returns home. On Tuesdays, it will be you, Osomatsu-niisan. You pretend to be Todomatsu when you return home. On Wednesdays, it’ll be Shitty-matsu. On Thursdays, it’ll be Choromatsu. On Fridays, it’ll be me. On Saturdays, it’ll be Jyushimatsu. We should at least let Totoko-chan have Sundays to herself, so that she can rest. See? It’s not a problem at all. Hehehe… Even with just one girl, we can all be married.
OSOMATSU: [shivers] Ichimatsu… You fearsome child… B–But, wouldn’t doing that be something illegal?
ICHIMATSU: [sighs] This is why you’re such a Clumsy-fool-matsu, Osomatsu-niisan. Listen. Even without bringing up the male to female ratio or unmarried percentage, there’s no way that we can get married in the first place. We’re NEETs.
ICHIMATSU: We have no other choice but to use illegal means if we want to get marrie– Ah. But… There was another way.
ICHIMATSU: Hehe… Hehehehe… We just have to reduce the number of rivals.
OSOMATSU: Eh? Um, Ichimatsu-kun?
[The candle lights go out]
OSOMATSU: Kyah! Ichimatsu-kun?! I–It’s pitch-black in here! Did the electricity go out? You should switch to LED lights! Are you sure you’re paying your utility bills?! Ichimatsu-kun?!!
ICHIMATSU: Don’t worry. No one will notice that six Matsu have become five Matsu… It sure is convenient having the same face…
[ICHIMATSU fades out laughing as a door shuts]
OSOMATSU: Huh? Now that I think about it, I didn’t get my fortune told at all… But I didn’t pay anyway, so it’s okay– No, it’s not okay!! It’s not okay!! Ichimatsu-kun? I’ve gradually started feeling that I wouldn’t mind being single for my entire life! And more important than that, keeping your bonds with your siblings is important… [OSOMATSU’s stomach starts to gurgle] Ah… my stomach is starting to hurt… B–Bathroom! Is there a bathroom in here?!
ICHIMATSU: If Osomatsu was a Fortune-teller.
[ICHIMATSU walks outside and stops]
[A door swings open. ICHIMATSU walks in]
ICHIMATSU: Osomatsu-niisan! Are you in here? [pause] Huh? Are you in here or not?
[A great gale of wind blows]
ICHIMATSU: Ugh, this is bothersome…
[Birds chirp in a vast forest]
[Waves crash along the coast]
ICHIMATSU: Idiot-matsu-niisan? What a shitty pain in the ass…
[Candles light up]
ICHIMATSU: I went down to the very bottom. [calls out] Hey! I don’t wanna climb back up these stairs to get home again.
[A rustling sound]
ICHIMATSU: Oh, there he is. Osomatsu-niisan, hey– Who are you?
OSOMATSU: Whoaa! How many years has it been since someone last stepped in here!
ICHIMATSU: Are you… Osomatsu-niisan?
OSOMATSU: That voice! C–Could it be…? Choromatsu!
OSOMATSU: What? Are you saying that you’re Todomatsu?
OSOMATSU: Your voice brings me back memories, Jyushimatsu.
ICHIMATSU: Including the atmosphere that I give off, you’re way off the mark.
OSOMATSU: I knew that you would come one day, Karamatsu.
ICHIMATSU: I’m gonna kill you.
OSOMATSU: Then who are you?
OSOMATSU: Oh, Ichimatsu.
ICHIMATSU: What’s this, Osomatsu-niisan? What’s going on with you?
OSOMATSU: I am not Osomatsu!
ICHIMATSU: You’re kind of shaggy-looking but you have the same face as me.
OSOMATSU: I am no longer Osomatsu! I have discarded the name Osomatsu. Now, I am… Let’s see… Slow-matsu.
OSOMATSU: Or Osopine.
ICHIMATSU: I don’t care either way. Fine then, I’ll call you Osopine.
OSOPINE: Never mind what I’m doing here, what are you doing here, One-matsu?
ICHIMATSU: I haven’t changed my name, Osoma– Osopine-niisan. You weren’t coming when I called, so I came here to see what you were up to.
OSOMATSU: Oh my! So you were concerned about me! Thank you! Thank you, Ichipine! However, I am no longer returning to the surface world.
ICHIMATSU: Eh? Why not?
OSOMATSU: I have a new family now. I simply cannot abandon them.
ICHIMATSU: Here…? There are other humans in here?
OSOMATSU: I see… Since your eyes are dazzled by the light at the surface, you are unable to see them. How pitiful, Ichimatsu.
ICHIMATSU: You already went back to calling me normally.
OSOMATSU: Very well! I will show you my new family! C’mon, family!
ICHIMATSU: Where are they?
OSOMATSU: Look hard at your feet.
ICHIMATSU: My feet? [walks backwards] Where are they?
OSOMATSU: Look, over there. In that– [ICHIMATSU walks backwards] Ahhh, no! Don’t step on them!
[ICHIMATSU steps on something]
OSOMATSU: MY FAMILY!!!
ICHIMATSU: Eh? By family, you mean… These insects?
OSOMATSU: They’re not insects!! They were my precious family! Earthworms and mole crickets and pond skaters are all living creatures, they’re all insects!!!
ICHIMATSU: You just called them insects yourself… C’mon, your family is gone now, so let’s go home.
OSOMATSU: Hnnghh… Not yet. I still have family here!
ICHIMATSU: Bats, right?
ICHIMATSU: Then you mean mushrooms.
OSOMATSU: I already ate all the mushrooms!
OSOMATSU: I ate the moss too!
OSOMATSU: The mold too.
ICHIMATSU: For real? Your stomach is the only thing about you that I respect, Osomatsu-niisan.
OSOMATSU: Just my stomach?!
ICHIMATSU: Eh? Is there something else I can respect?
OSOMATSU: Uh… no.
ICHIMATSU: See? Now, let’s go home.
OSOMATSU: No! No! I’m not going!
ICHIMATSU: Osomatsu-niisan… You’re starting to make me mad.
OSOMATSU: Eeeek! I–I have a family here!
ICHIMATSU: A family of earthworms, mole crickets, pond skaters, mushrooms, moss, and mold, right?
OSOMATSU: No! It was back when I was initially trapped in this place. [takes on a storyteller’s voice] While I was starving and dehydrated, I dug a hole in search of more mushrooms, moss, and mold. Day by day, I kept digging.
ICHIMATSU: Why did you dig down? If you’d dug up, you could have left this place.
OSOMATSU: Eh? Is that so? I didn’t realize! Oh well… [back in his dramatic voice] Day by day, I dug, until one day, I finally dug my way into a giant cave. Deep inside, I found…
ICHIMATSU: [gulps] Y–You found…?
OSOMATSU: A lost underground empire!
ICHIMATSU: Let’s go home.
OSOMATSU: It’s true!! It’s really true! Believe me!!!
ICHIMATSU: I knew after you said you’d ate mold that you’d turned funny…
OSOMATSU: There really are underground people in here!!!
ICHIMATSU: Yes, yes, there are, there are.
OSOMATSU: Nnngghhh… In that case…
[OSOMATSU picks up ICHIMATSU]
[OSOMATSU starts running wildly, roaring]
ICHIMATSU: Wah… Why is this happening… Umm… How far is he going…?
ICHIMATSU: I can’t believe he dug a hole this long… As expected of Osomatsu-niisan, the miraculous moron…
ICHIMATSU: [yawns] I’m sleepy…
OSOMATSU: [roars] HERE WE ARE!!!
ICHIMATSU: [wakes up groggily] W–W–We’re here?
OSOMATSU: Look!!! This is my underground empire!!!
ICHIMATSU: Wow… It really does exist… So this is what it looks like deep inside the earth… Huh? Someone’s coming.
[Sounds of footsteps]
ICHIMATSU: W–We’re surrounded by a large number. Are we about to die?
OSOMATSU: These are the underground people who live here. Look, look. Over~ there~
ICHIMATSU: Eh? …Osomatsu-niisan’s face is drawn on a flag!
OSOMATSU: A lot of stuff happened and I became the king of this place!
ICHIMATSU: I really wanna know what you mean by “a lot of stuff”…
OSOMATSU: Well, you see, I’m a fortune-teller, right?
ICHIMATSU: EH? You are?!
OSOMATSU: I wanted to get closer to the people here, so I tried it by keeping on, telling their fortunes. Stuff like, “The sun will not shine today as always” or “The percentage of light tomorrow will be zero percent.”
ICHIMATSU: I don’t think that’s fortune-telling…
OSOMATSU: I kept being right all the time, and before I knew it, I became their king! Isn’t that awesome?
ICHIMATSU: So becoming a king is easier than becoming a weather forecaster…
OSOMATSU: Being a king is great! You get to drink and eat all you want! I got to spend my dream of eating and sleeping fully without having to work! Someone like me who was a NEET on the surface world is a King in the underworld!
ICHIMATSU: Even in the underworld, you’re still a NEET…
OSOMATSU: There were some influential powers who were against me, so I was close to being assassinated a few times, but it’s nothing to worry about~ Nothing important, really~
[An arrow flies towards them]
ICHIMATSU: W–Wha… An arrow came at us! Are you sure you’re not being assassinated right now?! Worry about that, won’t you?!
OSOMATSU: Don’t worry, I dodge it just before it hits me.
ICHIMATSU: You should let it hit you. No matter how you look at it, this is a coup d’etat or an overthrowing of the government in the works! …Also, why isn’t anyone here talking? Even I’m doing my best and talking a lot this time.
OSOMATSU: They don’t talk.
ICHIMATSU: That’s the issue?!
OSOMATSU: Yeah. So whenever you want to convey something to them… You do this… This… And this… Through pantomime!
[More arrows fly towards them and hit OSOMATSU]
ICHIMATSU: Eh? What did you just tell them? The underground people are pissed off!
OSOMATSU: I said, “If you don’t have moss, you should eat mold.”
ICHIMATSU: WOW, you sure are irritating. No waiting on the guillotine for you.
OSOMATSU: Don’t worry, I dodge it just before it hits–
ICHIMATSU: They hit you, you’re spurting blood everywhere.
[A fire burns]
ICHIMATSU: Hey, Osomatsu-niisan, your skin is being burnt.
OSOMATSU: Hmm, is it because I’m a beloved, popular king with a natural marshmallow body?
ICHIMATSU: [shivers] Wah, I just got goosebumps all over which has rarely happened to me recently. Your positivity can bring about death. In fact, I respect that, but… Isn’t it a good idea to leave here?
OSOMATSU: Hmph! I finally obtained this normie life! I won’t let go of it over my dead body!
ICHIMATSU: I don’t think this is what you’d call a normie life, but… I see. Okay then. It doesn’t matter to me whether Osomatsu-niisan comes back home or not to begin with. In fact, I don’t wanna die in circumstances that you dragged me into. It’s unfortunate but it’s not unfortunate and it’s really not unfortunate, but as a public stance, I’ll say that it’s unfortunate that this had to happen. Ah… But it really isn’t unfortunate.
OSOMATSU: Ichimatsu. Tell Dad, Mom, and the other Matsu to take care. Tell them that your older brother… Your older brother has become a normie star!
ICHIMATSU: Yeah… You’re about to become a star in a different sense. Oh, by the way. Can I eat your ham-katsu?
ICHIMATSU: For dinner.
ICHIMATSU: Mom told me to call you, that shitty NEET, over because it’s almost dinnertime.
ICHIMATSU: Only thirty minutes have passed since you’ve been trapped here, Osomatsu-niisan.
ICHIMATSU: It’s incredible that you managed to dig that hole and become the underworld’s king in only thirty minutes.
OSOMATSU: N–N–No way… That can’t be… We’re having ham-katsu for dinner today?!
ICHIMATSU: That’s what you’re shocked about?
OSOMATSU: I’m going home!
ICHIMATSU: What about the underground empire? You’re its king, aren’t you?
OSOMATSU: The arrows and stuff are dangerous, so I resign!
ICHIMATSU: What about your family of pond skaters, and bats, and mushrooms, and moss, and mold?
OSOMATSU: Ham-katsu tastes better!
ICHIMATSU: So they were food, not family!
OSOMATSU: I~ chi~ ma~ tsu~~ Let’s go home already! Ham-katsu! Ham-katsu!
[OSOMATSU and ICHIMATSU start running back]
ICHIMATSU: But… After all that’s said and done, it is pretty amazing that you became the underworld’s king in an instant… Nothing less from the miraculous moron…
OSOMATSU: You think so too, huh?! It’s a talent, I bet! A hidden talent! Hahaha! Maybe I should aim to be king on the surface world, too!
[The door shuts]
OSOMATSU: Was that okay for a fortune-telling theme? The title seems like a scam, doesn’t it?
ICHIMATSU: Heh. You ask that now?
Osomatsu is called “Slow-matsu” for “Osoi (slow)” and for “Matsu (pine).”
Ichimatsu is called “One-matsu” for “Ichi (one).”
To be updated…