[drama cd] osomatsu-san sextuplets’ work experience dramatsu CD series: osomatsu & choromatsu “tv producer”

おそ松さん 6つ子のお仕事体験ドラ松CDシリーズ おそ松&チョロ松『TVプロデューサー』

Where to buy this CD: Amazon.JP, CDJapan

Osomatsu Matsuno : Takahiro Sakurai
Choromatsu Matsuno : Hiroshi Kamiya

01: もしもおそ松がTVプロデューサーだったら
02: もしもチョロ松がTVプロデューサーだったら
03: フリートーク(櫻井孝宏&神谷浩史)

TRACK 01: If Osomatsu was a TV Producer
OSOMATSU: Osomatsu-san Sextuplets’ Work Experience Dramatsu CD Series.
CHOROMATSU: Volume 3, Osomatsu & Choromatsu: “TV Producers.”
OSOMATSU: If Osomatsu was a TV Producer.

CHOROMATSU: Let’s see… Where am I? Look around, look around, dart around, dart around. TV station headquarters sure are big… It’s like a maze in here. Why is it such a complicated network? Is it true that it’s built this way to prevent terrorists from taking over the broadcasting? Ah, but putting that aside, the conference room where Producer Osomatsu is waiting is… Here, I think. Ah, here it is! [takes a deep breath] Okay! [knocks]
OSOMATSU: [from inside] Yeah, come in!
CHOROMATSU: Please excuse my intrusion! [walks in] Um, are you Producer Osomatsu?
OSOMATSU: Yes, that’s me. What is it?
CHOROMATSU: M–My name is Choromatsu! I’m a newbie idol from Flag Production. I came here to make my greetings to you, since I’m going to be participating in your upcoming prank show.
OSOMATSU: Ah, yes, I’ve heard about you, Choromatsu-kun. Are you okay with beer bottles?
CHOROMATSU: Beer bottles?
OSOMATSU: In pranks, there are situations when you’ll get hit on the head with a beer bottle.
CHOROMATSU: From what I recall, beer bottles that are used for pranks are made with wax that breaks easily and doesn’t hurt, aren’t they? I’m fine with that!
OSOMATSU: How many times will you be okay with being hit by real beer bottles?
OSOMATSU: Really? Then, are you okay with dynamite?
OSOMATSU: I’m thinking of having one explode right above your head as a prank.
CHOROMATSU: As I recall, dynamite that are used for pranks only make a huge sound and don’t actually have that much power, right? Then I’m fine with that!
OSOMATSU: How many of real dynamite will you be okay with? About a hundred?
OSOMATSU: Will that really kill you?
OSOMATSU: I don’t know… Isn’t that something that you can only find out by doing it first?
CHOROMATSU: Even without doing it, I know!
OSOMATSU: I see… Then let’s put the dynamite aside. How much gasoline can you drink?
CHOROMATSU: Let me see, about three liters– I can’t drink that!
CHOROMATSU: This is not about me being a miser or not!
OSOMATSU: Listen, Choromatsu-kun. Getting viewership ratings is the only way to make a TV program worth something.
OSOMATSU: Unless you, at the very least, drink gasoline and spit fire out of every possible hole that’s in your body, it won’t satisfy the viewers. That’s the world that we live in now.
CHOROMATSU: What a crazy world we live in.
OSOMATSU: Who is responsible for making this world for what it is?! The population of Japan has been transformed into idiots!
CHOROMATSU: It would be TV that’s responsible, isn’t it.
OSOMATSU: [slams desk] No dynamite, no gasoline, then what would you like to use? Needle-point holders?! Boiling hot water?!
CHOROMATSU: Did I make a mistake becoming an idol…? What is wrong with the entertainment world…
OSOMATSU: Then let’s play a wake-up prank.
CHOROMATSU: You suddenly mention a really normal idea.
OSOMATSU: We’ll bring the camera in to your home while you’re asleep, so wake up and be surprised.
CHOROMATSU: But I’m a male, is that okay?
OSOMATSU: It’s okay, it’s okay. Just pull your yukata around yourself so you show off some naked bits. Like your thighs. It’ll be a service to the viewers.
CHOROMATSU: Will they be happy seeing my thighs?
OSOMATSU: It’ll raise the viewership through the roof!
CHOROMATSU: I–I see! Then…
OSOMATSU: While you’re showing your thighs, we’ll stick dynamite up your ass that goes BOOM! Then you wake up all in a panic, Choromatsu-kun! Everyone laughs and the wake-up prank is a big success! It’s perfect!
CHOROMATSU: That won’t be a big success, I’ll die!
OSOMATSU: Tch! What is the matter with you, all you do is complain!
OSOMATSU: You’re cheeky for a newbie, do you know that? Fine then, fine then, no more pranks.
OSOMATSU: I’ll change the program. It’ll be a free talk corner.
CHOROMATSU: Free talk.
OSOMATSU: Now I’ve got to get the script ready.
OSOMATSU: Hmm, I’m having a hard time filling up the given time length… What should I have you talk about…
CHOROMATSU: Is it you who will be writing the script, Producer Osomatsu?
OSOMATSU: Both the director and the series composite writer are busy. Besides, if I write it, then we won’t have to pay for a manuscript. That’s what a skilled producer does. But, nevertheless, I’m having trouble filling up the time length… Writing scripts isn’t really my forte… I know, let’s go with that trick.
CHOROMATSU: That trick?
OSOMATSU: But, nevertheless, I’m having trouble filling up the time length… Writing scripts isn’t really my forte… I know, let’s go with that trick.
CHOROMATSU: That trick?
OSOMATSU: But, nevertheless, I’m having trouble filling up the time length… Writing scripts isn’t really my forte… I know, let’s go with that trick.
CHOROMATSU: That trick?
OSOMATSU: But, nevertheless, I’m having trouble filling up the time length… Writing scripts isn’t really my forte… I know, let’s go with that trick.
CHOROMATSU: –Huh?! Did… Did we just repeat the same conversation over and over?
OSOMATSU: Yeah, that’s right. I copypastaed.
CHOROMATSU: Copypastaed?!
OSOMATSU: Yeah, copy and paste! It fills up the time length easily, see? I’m so smart~!
CHOROMATSU: Are you sure you should be doing that?!
OSOMATSU: Yeah, that’s right. I copypastaed.
CHOROMATSU: Copypastaed?!
OSOMATSU: Yeah, copy and paste! It fills up the time length easily, see? I’m so smart~!
CHOROMATSU: Are you sure you should be doing that?!
OSOMATSU: Yeah, that’s right. I copypastaed.
CHOROMATSU: Copypastaed?!
OSOMATSU: Yeah, copy and paste! It fills up the time length easily, see? I’m so smart~!
OSOMATSU: See, now even more time has passed! So simple.
CHOROMATSU: You can’t do this! You need to write the script properly, or people will say that you’re skimping!
OSOMATSU: It’s all about the production! The production!
CHOROMATSU: What do you mean, production?! The viewers will get disgusted!
OSOMATSU: Don’t worry, don’t worry! We just have to keep copypasting everything to fill in the time gap!
CHOROMATSU: No, no, no, no, no!
OSOMATSU: We just have to keep copypasting everything to fill in the time gap!
CHOROMATSU: No, no, no, no, no!
OSOMATSU: We just have to keep copypasting everything to fill in the time gap!
CHOROMATSU: No, no, no, no, no!
OSOMATSU: We just have to keep copypasting everything to fill in the time gap!
CHOROMATSU: No, no, no, no, no!
OSOMATSU: We just have to keep copypasting everything to fill in the time gap!
OSOMATSU: See? It passes the time.
CHOROMATSU: You can’t do this! No more copying! Let’s do this properly. Make every minute, every second, important, bring out and refine each word in every line, and make a TV program that’s filled with soul!
OSOMATSU: [sighs] You said your name was Choromatsu-kun?
CHOROMATSU: I’m Choromatsu!
OSOMATSU: You said you were a newbie, right? Since you’re a newbie, you know nothing about the TV entertainment world. Listen… Even if you make a TV program seriously, the viewers won’t watch it. They’ll have it playing in the background, or record it and fast-forward, or watch bits that are illegally uploaded online, or read other people’s impressions on their blogs and feel that they’ve watched it themselves. They’ll criticize it on everything as if they have the final word on it.
CHOROMATSU: You suddenly got very serious…
OSOMATSU: They don’t make any effort and all they do is complain about what’s given to them. The TV was originally for amusement. The freedom of what consisted as amusement grew restricted and now it’s just pissing contests. Full of nothing but harmless, inoffensive topics with no change for the better. Dramas that neither poison you or heal you. News commentators with no desire to constructively criticize the news that they bring. People who only read online articles on their phones during their train commute to work, and think that they know everything there is to know about the world. It’s true that the world has turned into one of convenience. Even news that takes place on the other side of the world travels to us in an instant. But consider this, do you think that in doing so, we have achieved happiness? Information has grown. Have we become richer for it? Has it satisfied our hearts? How much must we work before we can achieve such pleasures? Humans originally had their hands full just finding food for the day. They would spend an entire day risking their lives to hunt beasts in order to obtain nutrition–
CHOROMATSU: Ummmm. Is this going to be a long story?
OSOMATSU: I kept waiting for you this whole time to stop me! You know… Since I said words that I don’t even normally say, like “constructively criticize” and “neither poison you or heal you,” my mouth couldn’t form those words very well and I almost tripped up on saying them! I couldn’t even tell what the hell I was talking about! You should have stopped me quicker! How can you be the straight man if you’re like that?!
CHOROMATSU: Straight man?
OSOMATSU: Hot sure is summer.
OSOMATSU: MAKE A QUIP, WON’T YOU?! You’re supposed to say, “You mean, summer sure is hot!” If someone says something stupid, you need to make a quip fast! That’s what the straight man does!
CHOROMATSU: But I’m not a straight man…
OSOMATSU: Then what can you do? You can’t be a straight man, you can’t do free talking, you can’t even write a script!
CHOROMATSU: It was you who was writing the script, Producer Osomatsu.
OSOMATSU: All you do is complain.
CHOROMATSU: Don’t you think, in this case, that you deserve it?
OSOMATSU: I guess we’ll have to go with dynamite after all.
OSOMATSU: Five should be okay, right?
OSOMATSU: [sighs] What can you do, then? What are you good at?
CHOROMATSU: Let me see… Ah! I’m pretty knowledgeable about idols! Their hobbies, specialties, and… Ah! And their birthdays! I can recall all of their information!
OSOMATSU: You can leave stuff like that to *** and *** and ***.
CHOROMATSU: Who are they?
OSOMATSU: Legal circumstances. Anyway, isn’t there something unique about you that you can sell? Something that you, Choromatsu-kun, as an idol, can sell.
CHOROMATSU: Sell… sell… um… I… I…
CHOROMATSU: I… Hmm… What is there about me that I can sell… What can I do… I’m a normal person… Why did I even become an idol in the first place? I’m such an average guy… I’m average… Why do I exist in this world… Why was I even born… Who am I… I… I…
CHOROMATSU: Ah! I know! I know the reason for why I exist!
OSOMATSU: What’s going on? Are you okay?
CHOROMATSU: I’ve figured it out, Producer Osomatsu! I’ve figured out why I was born into this world!
OSOMATSU: How did we reach this topic?
CHOROMATSU: I was born to affirm myself!
CHOROMATSU: It’s okay to just be yourself. All kinds of people are born into this world, and all they need to do is just be themselves. I don’t have to think about my selling point or my specialty! I don’t need them! I just have to exist! That’s right! People of the world! Listen to my voice! Things are going to be okay. You don’t have to be troubled any longer. Everyone is born. Just that is enough! Congratulations! And, thank you! Ahh! May people all throughout the world be blessed with happiness! Look! The world shines so brightly around you!
OSOMATSU: So? What can you do?
CHOROMATSU: Sir! I cannot do aaaaanything!

TRACK 02: If Choromatsu Was A TV Producer

CHOROMATSU: If Choromatsu was a TV Producer.

CHOROMATSU: [claps] Good! Good, everyone, you all did great! Good work today. That’s another 120% viewership for today! And to celebrate, we’ll go to Zagin for shisu! [1] Hang on a second, you! Flag Production manager– no, germana! Have you got a moment? A moment have you got? [whispers] Look, I think your newbie has got a lot of potential. You know, like… Talent that’s hidden deep in the heart? Or whatever. I think they [2] have what it takes to become a super popular idol. I’M saying this, so it’s got to be true! Come this way, okay?

[Closes door]
CHOROMATSU: Idols sure are great, aren’t they? Did you know that the word originated from the word “statue”? “Statue,” “idola.” In other words, they’re an object that is given blind devotion. People dump all of their fortune into them without expecting anything in return, and buy tons of copies of the same CD, right? I love idols too, so I understand, but the makings of an idol who can rip off everything they can possibly rip off from other people, is what I think your newbie has. Ah, how about some tea? [pours and sips] Tea sure is good. So, how should I put this… If it’s okay with you, would you like me to bring out those qualities? Hm? Yes, yes, my own private instruction. I want to teach them a bunch of things. You know, I make quite a lot of popular shows. I’m getting viewer ratings, and I’ve got some history as a producer, so… Want some rice crackers? [eats] Yeah, I’m what’s called a TV producer with great energy. Look, I even have the cardigan draped over my shoulders, see? I’m switching words around when I talk, see? I’m around when words switching, see, I talk? You don’t know what I’m saying? Now, now, don’t mind that. There’s still more rice crackers. [eats] So, you see… In this trendy Samonine drama that’s coming up… Hm? You don’t know what Samonine is? It’s Samonine! Samonine! Not Momonine. Sa-turday, Mo-rning, Nine! Samonine. A trendy drama airing on Saturday morning at nine. It’s a new time slot. It’s gonna have a viewership of 120%, make no mistake! So, for the main protagonist of that show… I’m looking to find someone for that role right now. Which is why… I’ll be waiting in room 3 at the Flag Hotel. Tell your newbie to come see me there. Okay? Okay?

CHOROMATSU: [hums] I’m nervous… Babump, babump… Should I be doing this? I know I really shouldn’t be, b–but I’ve been working hard as a TV producer, so it can’t hurt if I abuse my power just a little bit! No one would have a problem if I made a nice memory for myself…

[CHOROMATSU prepares a tray in the hotel room]
CHOROMATSU: All set. Flowers, wine, cheese, and there’s oden and fried chicken! It’s perfect! With this, that newbie girl will be falling all over me! I guess I should also prepare soft drinks just in case… But maybe it would be better if there was a little bit of intoxication… Ah, I don’t know! I’ve never been alone with a girl before, so I don’t know what to do! I mean… What should I even talk about? [heart starts beating fast] C–Calm down, Choromatsu! Calm down, me! Down calm, down calm! Mmhmm. I’ll eat shisu at Zagin. Mmhmm mmhmm. I’m the producer making pop TV shows and she’s the newbie idol. [takes a deep breath and there’s a knock on the door] Babump! S–She’s here already! [louder] Y–You’re here early! [quietly] …I–I’m nervous… You can do this, me! TV producer! Have confidence! [opens door] Come on in!
OSOMATSU: Good evening!
CHOROMATSU: Good eveni– Eh? Um? …Who are you?
OSOMATSU: I’m Osomatsu from Flag Production! I was told by my manager to go see Producer Choromatsu. Um, apparently you’re going to be instructing me privately, so, thank you! I’m happy to be here!
CHOROMATSU: Ahahaha, u–um, I think there’s been some mistake? I didn’t call for you, but for Umeko-chan–
OSOMATSU: Pardon my intrusion! [walks in]
[door closes]
OSOMATSU: Wow, what a big room! It’s called a sweet room, right?
OSOMATSU: You even have oden! Thanks for the food! [eats] This is amazing! It’s my first time in a sweet room. The oden is pretty good, sir.
CHOROMATSU: O–Oh, yeah? I’m glad.
OSOMATSU: Hmm, even though it’s called a sweet room, there’s nothing sweet about the walls or the pillars, huh?
CHOROMATSU: The “suite” for “suite room” doesn’t mean “sweet.”
OSOMATSU: So, what kind of instruction will you be giving me?
OSOMATSU: Will it be on acting? FHWAAATTDAAHELLZZDIIIS!!!! …What do you think?
CHOROMATSU: What do I think? It sounded like you were saying, “What the hell is this”?
OSOMATSU: Oh, is it on singing then? Ah, I could even be a program host! Hello, everyone, good morning! It’s time for Goodbye Divorcees! Oyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo! …What do you think?
CHOROMATSU: U–Um, uh… Having a TV program about divorcees sounds like a bad omen. Did you say that your name was Osomatsu-kun?
OSOMATSU: I’m Osomatsu! I’m a newbie TV star! I’ll do anything you ask!
OSOMATSU: Yes, anything.
CHOROMATSU: T–Then… You mean you’ll do whatever I say?
OSOMATSU: Yes, sir! Of course!
CHOROMATSU: Ahahaha… Good boy. That’s right, I’m the capable producer. Just listen obediently to what I say and it’ll be good for you. Now… relax the tension from your body… WAIT! No, no! That’s not– That’s not what I meant! Even if Osomatsu-kun listens to me obediently, I won’t be happy about it. [clears throat] Um, Osomatsu-kun? It seems that your Flag Production manager– [coughs] germana got the wrong idea!
OSOMATSU: Wrong idea?
CHOROMATSU: Yes. I’m a TV producer, and the person I called to my room is a newbie TV star. This place is a luxury hotel, with expensive wine and oden. You know what all of this means, right?
OSOMATSU: Hmmm… Ah! I know! You’re treating to a meal while giving instruction, right? Uh-oh, I ate the oden before I could receive your instruction but, thank you! Man, Producer Choromatsu, you sure are a great person! You’re using your personal time outside of work hours to instruct a newbie like me!
CHOROMATSU: Yeah, that’s right. Treating to a meal while giving instruction, you’re not wrong there. But the instruction part is a little…
OSOMATSU: A little?
CHOROMATSU: [clears throat] I wanted to give some adult instructing.
CHOROMATSU: A-d-u-l-t, i-n-s-t-r-u-c-t-i-n-g.
CHOROMATSU: You know what I mean, right?! In other words, the person I called here wasn’t you, it was the girl Umeko-chan–
OSOMATSU: Of course I know what you mean! You wish to instruct on how to act during meals and how to greet others, right? So that I can become a fine adult! As expected! What a wonderful producer! It’s no wonder you get a viewership of 120%! Three cheers for Producer Choromatsu!
CHOROMATSU: Hmm… This is difficult…
OSOMATSU: What is?
CHOROMATSU: How do I say this to make you understand? Let’s see! You said you’re a newbie, right?
OSOMATSU: Yes, I’m a newbie.
CHOROMATSU: Then you don’t know much about the rules of the entertainment business yet.
OSOMATSU: You’re going to teach me that? Please give me your instruction!
CHOROMATSU: That’s not what I mean! Hmmm, how do I say this?!
OSOMATSU: What’s got you so troubled?
CHOROMATSU: IT’S YOU! I was trying to use my position as producer to my advantage!
CHOROMATSU: Yeah! That’s right! I fell in love with Flag Production’s newbie idol, Umeko-chan! That’s why I asked her manager to have her come to my room! That I would make her the main protagonist of a Samonine program! It’s okay if even someone like me… someone like me… had something nice like that going on, don’t you think?! I just wanted to talk with her for a bit! And maybe, if luck was on my side, she would let me hold her hand! I mean, I’ve never held any girl’s hand that wasn’t my mother’s! I’ve never even held the midwife’s hand, or the nursery school teacher’s hand, or even Totoko-chan’s hand! I’m working hard at my job every day! It wouldn’t hurt for just a bit… JUST A BIT… to use my position to get along with a g–g–girl, right?! IT’S OKAY, RIGHT?!! RIGHT? IS THAT BAD? IS IT??
OSOMATSU: Ohhhh, I see!
CHOROMATSU: Yes, see! See!!
OSOMATSU: You should have told me from the start!
CHOROMATSU: I was trying to! So then, if Umeko-chan got close to me, I was planning to give her some good jobs in return!
OSOMATSU: Oh, I’ve heard of that before! It’s called… uh… something their way up… I–If I recall, it’s “sea cucumber their way up”–
CHOROMATSU: It’s “sleeping their way up”! Sleeping their way up! I didn’t go as far as sleeping yet, since I wasn’t sure if she’d even let me touch her hand or not, but I’m still using my authority to get her to do what I want! So it’s still considered “sleeping to the top”!
OSOMATSU: Ahh… Sleeping to the top… That’s wonderful!
OSOMATSU: You’re not only a TV producer, but you’re in the bed business as well! [3] You’re selling beds like hotcakes, aren’t you! I see… I understand now! You want me in this bed business of yours, right?
CHOROMATSU: Um… You aren’t really getting what I said.
OSOMATSU: Not only are you instructing me, but you’re introducing me to a new part-time job as well! You’re the best producer ever!
CHOROMATSU: Osomatsu-kun?
OSOMATSU: I’ll help you with sleeping to the top!
OSOMATSU: Should I say it in a slightly high voice like that ex-CEO in that famous mail ordering program?
CHOROMATSU: Um, would you listen–
OSOMATSU: [in a high voice] Yes, this pillow! It’s so comfortable to sleep on! Once I put my head on it, I’m away in dreamland! You can get two for the price of 3,000 yen! Also, as a sign of our gratitude, you get 5,000 yen off!
CHOROMATSU: That’ll put you in debt!
OSOMATSU: [still in a high voice] I wish to run throughout town screaming this!
CHOROMATSU: Screaming what?
OSOMATSU: You’ve really touched me deeply, so… I want to tell everyone that Producer Choromatsu is wonderful! That he’s really amazing! That he’ll let me join his bed business! Producer Choromatsu’s bed business! Producer Choromatsu’s bed business! Choromatsu’s bed business!
CHOROMATSU: STOP! Are you trying to wipe out my existence from the entertainment world?!
OSOMATSU: I know! How about from now on, instead of Choromatsu, you go by the name of Choromattress?
CHOROMATSU: Choromattress?!
OSOMATSU: It’s such a good name! The producer in the bed business! It’s like you’re shining! Choromattress! Producer Choromattress! Everyone will come flocking towards you, Producer Choromattress!
CHOROMATSU: More like they’ll be keeping their distance!
OSOMATSU: You’re so shy…
CHOROMATSU: It’ll put an end to my life as a producer!
OSOMATSU: There’s no need to be modest!
CHOROMATSU: I’m serious!
OSOMATSU: Producer Choromattress! I’ll follow you forever!

[1] In the old days, producers would switch syllables of a word around because it was the “cool” thing to do. So when Choromatsu says Zagin for shisu, he means Ginza for sushi. You can decipher what the other words mean as you keep reading.
[2] No pronouns are mentioned, so it’s hard to translate this into English. Hopefully I conveyed to you how the misunderstanding happened here.
[3] The literal translation for “sleeping to the top” (枕営業) is “pillow business,” but I translated “pillow” and future jokes instead to “bed” and bed-related jokes to keep in the range of both meanings.

TRACK 03: Free Talk Corner (Takahiro Sakurai & Kamiya Hiroshi)

To be updated…

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