[drama cd] osomatsu-san sextuplets’ work experience dramatsu CD series: jyushimatsu & todomatsu “policeman”

おそ松さん 6つ子のお仕事体験ドラ松CDシリーズ トド松＆十四松『警察官』

Where to buy this CD: Amazon.JP, CDJapan

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CAST
Jyushimatsu Matsuno : Daisuke Ono
Todomatsu Matsuno : Miyu Irino

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TRACKS
01: もしもトド松が警察官だったら　～警察官：トド松／容疑者：十四松～
02: もしも十四松が警察官だったら　～警察官：十四松／容疑者：トド松～
03: フリートーク（小野大輔＆入野自由）

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TRACK 01: If Todomatsu Was A Policeman ~Policeman: Todomatsu/ Suspect: Jyushimatsu~
JYUSHIMATSU: Osomatsu-san Sextuplets’ Work Experience Dramatsu CD Series.
TODOMATSU: Volume 5, Jyushimatsu & Todomatsu: “Policemen.” If Todomatsu was a Cop.

JYUSHIMATSU: Wow, there are so many patrol cars! The red lamps look so sparkly! Hahaha, look!
TODOMATSU: Of course there are, we’re at a police station in a certain town.
JYUSHIMATSU: White! Black!
TODOMATSU: Well, they’re patrol cars.
JYUSHIMATSU: Huh? Could it be… They’re Transforming patrol cars?! That’s so cool!
TODOMATSU: The masked kind, maybe?
JYUSHIMATSU: Hey, hey, what about ambulances?! Fire trucks??!
TODOMATSU: It’s a police station.
JYUSHIMATSU: What about taxis?!
TODOMATSU: Yeah, look, it’ll make me happy if you could pipe down.
JYUSHIMATSU: I can’t pipe down! This is making me so excited! [runs around imitating police car alarms] Wooo, wooo! Pii poo pii poo! Wan wan wan wan wan! [stops] Hey, where’s Taka?
TODOMATSU: He’s not here.
JYUSHIMATSU: What about Toshi?
TODOMATSU: You mean Yuuji! [1]
JYUSHIMATSU: Are they post-recording?!
TODOMATSU: You mean the OVA.
JYUSHIMATSU: Are Washi and Match doing something dangerous somewhere, you think? Like running around butt-naked?!
TODOMATSU: That certainly is dangerous.
JYUSHIMATSU: Metal clinking! Ah, look, look! The sunset looks so beautiful! Awhooo! The sun is so pretty! Awhooo! Sun! Can you hear me, Boss? Ahhh!
TODOMATSU: Hey, hey, hey, stop being so noisy!
JYUSHIMATSU: What about Cormo? Will he get to meet his wife? “My gray-colored mitochondria is whispering~~”
TODOMATSU: …I think I’ll leave him alone for a bit. I’ll be corking, so let me know when you’ve calmed down, okay? Corking, corking.
JYUSHIMATSU: Hahaha, that cop over there is shooting all over the place in high spirits! I wish I could do that too! Let me! Let me shoot, too! Bang bang, bang, bang– Bwehh bwehh! W–What the hell is thisssss… I’ve always wanted to try that scene! Hey, but that means I got shot instead! Hahahaha! [gets serious] Now then. You called yourself Todomatsu, did you?
TODOMATSU: Ah, have you calmed down?
JYUSHIMATSU: Table bang! Why did you do that? Spit out all your contents! If you don’t… I will! [throws up]
TODOMATSU: Uwah, you’re the worst. You should die.
JYUSHIMATSU: What was that?
TODOMATSU: Eh, did I say something?
JYUSHIMATSU: What did you say?
TODOMATSU: Ehe, I’m sorry! ☆
JYUSHIMATSU: If all you had to say was “sorry,” there would be no need for the police!
TODOMATSU: Yes, sir~
JYUSHIMATSU: You said to my face… That you would be corking?!
TODOMATSU: You’re going even further back in the conversation then the part when I told you to die?
JYUSHIMATSU: What’s corking?!
TODOMATSU: Well, according to this dictionary here… It’s a type of knitting where you use stockinette stitch with synthetic thread to form an elastic tube… Never mind that, I’m the cop here, okay?! YOU’RE the suspect! I’m the one asking the questions!
JYUSHIMATSU: Oh, I see~ I’m hungry~ You should bring out the katsudon now. [2]
TODOMATSU: Are you satisfied with corking now?
JYUSHIMATSU: Corking? Do you mean Alfee? I don’t care about the Resistance! I’m talking about eel served over rice here! Go and get takeout already! I want miso ramen!
TODOMATSU: Ehh… But I haven’t even started interrogating you or anything yet… And you’re okay with ramen…
JYUSHIMATSU: You miser. Fine, water.
TODOMATSU: You’re okay with water, huh? [pours a cup] Here you go– Ah!
[The water spills]
TODOMATSU: Ahhhhh! I tripped and the cup flew out of my hands onto Suspect Jyushimatsu’s crotch! The cup fell on his crotch! The water inside the cup fell on his crotch! His crotch is soaking wet! Suspect Jyushimatsu’s crotch is soaking wet, as if he wet himself! …But you’ll dry off right away.
JYUSHIMATSU: I look like I wet myself! Look what you did! Are you kidding?!– But actually, this is lucky. I’ve been holding down the urge to go to the toilet all this time, then just when I wet myself, the water fell on me so now I can pretend that’s what it was, I’m so lucky!
TODOMATSU: You probably intended to keep that to yourself, but you’re saying all of it out loud.
JYUSHIMATSU: It’s fine, it’s fine, don’t worry about it!
TODOMATSU: You’re very positive. Can I interrogate you now?
JYUSHIMATSU: Okay! Play ball! First round of the first half inning, with Detective Todomatsu on the offense.
TODOMATSU: This isn’t baseball.
JYUSHIMATSU: Don’t worry about the details! You’ll shave years off your life that way.
TODOMATSU: You appear to be the kind of person who will live a long life.
JYUSHIMATSU: Really?! Yay! Tomorrow will be a home run!
TODOMATSU: Now then, starting over…
JYUSHIMATSU: [starts swinging with a bat] Hnngh! Hnngh! Hnngh!
TODOMATSU: [coughs] STARTING OVER.
JYUSHIMATSU: Hnngh! H-Hnngh?
TODOMATSU: [coughs] Jyushimatsu-san. I’ve been a detective for a long time now, but this sort of incident is the first that I’ve ever seen. The name of the case: “Pigeon Food in the Park.” When feeding bread crumbs to the pigeons, a suspicious man ate them all.
JYUSHIMATSU: What an unbelievable case! Stealing food from the pigeons is unforgivable! That man must have been really hungry! Ah, did you know that bread crumbs are actually pretty tasty, even though it makes your mouth dry?! Ahaha! [starts cooing like a pigeon] Coo coo! Coo coo! Pigeons sure must have it nice! They look like they don’t have to think at all!
TODOMATSU: So do you.
JYUSHIMATSU: Aww, you’re making me blush! Enough with the compliments! Hey, did you know that pigeons can turn their heads around a whole lot? About 360 degrees.
TODOMATSU: They can’t turn their heads 360 degrees!
JYUSHIMATSU: Yes, they can!
TODOMATSU: No, no, no!
JYUSHIMATSU: Yes, they can!
TODOMATSU: Ehh, that can’t be! Prove it, then!
JYUSHIMATSU: Okay, watch me, watch me, watch me. They move their heads like this… [moves his head] Coo coo! Coo coo! Coo coo! Coo coo! And here, they turn around– Ackk! [JYUSHIMATSU falls off his chair]
TODOMATSU: Ah, he died.
JYUSHIMATSU: Don’t kill me off!
TODOMATSU: Whoaaa, he’s still alive!
JYUSHIMATSU: Ah! Huh? I can see behind me very well! But I can’t see in front!
TODOMATSU: Your head has turned over 180 degrees. I’ll continue interrogating you then, alright?
JYUSHIMATSU: Sure!
TODOMATSU: Jyushimatsu-san, you have a lot of vitality.
JYUSHIMATSU: Aw, don’t make me blush! I’m like a cockroach, right?
TODOMATSU: You said it yourself! Amazing!
JYUSHIMATSU: Amazing, right?! Ahahaha!
TODOMATSU: Why did you eat the pigeons’ food? Did you not have money?
JYUSHIMATSU: [bangs the table] If I had money, I wouldn’t be eating bread crumbs!!!
TODOMATSU: So you have common sense there.
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehe, I’m a man full of common sense.
TODOMATSU: A man full of common sense wouldn’t eat pigeon food.
JYUSHIMATSU: How dare you determine how I feel when it’s my taxes setting your table! Whose taxes do you think are feeding you?!
TODOMATSU: Are you paying your taxes?
JYUSHIMATSU: What are taxes?!
TODOMATSU: We’re starting from there?!
JYUSHIMATSU: By the way… Mom said she’d pay my penision.
TODOMATSU: Do you mean pension?
JYUSHIMATSU: I have no worries for one hundred years! I’m a well-to-do young man!
TODOMATSU: How about getting a job, huh?
JYUSHIMATSU: [bangs the table] I ate the pigeons’ food because I don’t want to work!!!
TODOMATSU: Ugh, I’m getting confused! What a pain in the ass this is! I’ll just write some random thing on the report for the prosecutor and kick this guy out… Has your crotch dried up?
JYUSHIMATSU: Eh? …Ah! I’m wet.
TODOMATSU: You don’t remember?!
JYUSHIMATSU: W–Why? Did I… wet myself? H–How embarrassing… But I’m such a naive person…
TODOMATSU: I don’t think you’re using that word correctly.
JYUSHIMATSU: Ahem, ahem. Detective… People make mistakes, right? There is no one who’s never made a mistake. So I ask that only people who have never made a mistake to cast the first stone–
TODOMATSU: [throws stones] ‘Ey! ‘Ey!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hey! Stop! Don’t throw stones! Ouch! Could you please– Stop, stop! Stop that!
TODOMATSU: But you just said that whoever has never made a mistake to throw stones at you.
JYUSHIMATSU: Have you never made a mistake before?!
TODOMATSU: Never.
JYUSHIMATSU: Uwaaah, this guy is SCARY. He’s crazy. He’s dangerous. He’s dangerous! I can tell by the look in his eyes, this guy is serious. His eyes are serious! His eyes are so sparkly! His eyes are so glassy! Such big eyes that appear to suck me into them! Those eyes gaze at me! What is this heart-throbbing feeling? What is this fast heart-quickening? Watching this guy’s eyes builds up something within me! What beautiful eyes… Detective Todomatsu… Yes. Without thinking, I grasped Detective Todomatsu’s hand.
TODOMATSU: Wow, what is this. This is gross.
JYUSHIMATSU: Detective– No. Todomatsu. Your hand… is really smooth.
TODOMATSU: I always put hand cream on them every night before bed.
JYUSHIMATSU: Ahh, it’s like velvet… Like silk.
TODOMATSU: Your hand is very rough.
JYUSHIMATSU: Y-Yeah… Velvety… Like silk…
TODOMATSU: R-Right…
JYUSHIMATSU: Rough… This feeling…
TODOMATSU: Is very familiar…
JYUSHIMATSU: My…
TODOMATSU: My…
JYUSHIMATSU/TODOMATSU: Memories of a summer long, long ago revive… When I was still a young boy, in a meadow…

JYUSHIMATSU: Ahahahaha!
TODOMATSU: Ahahahaha!
JYUSHIMATSU: Todomatsu! Catch me if you can!
TODOMATSU: Wait for me, Jyushimatsu-niisan!
JYUSHIMATSU: Ahaha! Ahaha! Ahahahaha!
TODOMATSU: Ahaha! Ahaha! Ahahahaha!
JYUSHIMATSU: Todomatsu! Look! It’s a cliff!
TODOMATSU: It’s a cliff, Jyushimatsu-niisan!
JYUSHIMATSU: Did you know? Humans can run in the air!
TODOMATSU: Really?!
JYUSHIMATSU: Yes, really! Before your leg reaches the ground, you bring up your other leg. Then before THAT leg reaches the ground, you bring up the other leg! Simple, right? Try it!
TODOMATSU: So simple! It doesn’t sound like it could work physically at all, but I’ll try it! Haha! Since Jyushimatsu-niisan tells me to do it, I’ll listen to him! Haha! I’ll try it!
JYUSHIMATSU: Haha! Go run off of that cliff!
TODOMATSU: Okay! Here I go!
[TODOMATSU jumps off]
JYUSHIMATSU: He flew! All right, Todomatsu!
TODOMATSU: Ahhhhhhhh!
JYUSHIMATSU: He fell! All right, Todomatsu!
TODOMATSU: [falls into the water and is carried away] Niisan! Niisan!
JYUSHIMATSU: ……Why? Why?! Why did this happen?! God, you are cruel! You took my precious… precious little brother from me… Todomatsu… Rest in peace…

TODOMATSU: It can’t be… Jyushimatsu-niisan?
JYUSHIMATSU: [gasps] Todomatsu! It was you?!
TODOMATSU: [starts crying] I missed you!
JYUSHIMATSU: So did I! I thought you were dead– Or rather, I forgot that you’d even existed, so I didn’t remember you even when I heard your name.
TODOMATSU: I almost died because of you, but I got adopted by a rich family and lived a luxurious life getting everything I asked for! I went to an escalator school that went up to university and graduated as a cop! I’m a career man, whose only path is going up! My future is complete! I’m on life’s winning team!
JYUSHIMATSU: Great news!
TODOMATSU: But that was horrible, what you did, Niisan! Humans can’t run in the air! You lied to me!
JYUSHIMATSU: I’m really sorry about that! I’m sorry.
TODOMATSU: Niisan…… If all you had to say was “sorry,” there would be no need for the police.
JYUSHIMATSU: AS AN APOLOGY, I WILL GO AND DIE NOW!

[1] “Taka and Toshi” are a owarai duo who once did a skit about a policeman and a very obvious criminal. “Taka and Yuuji” are two detectives in the action series ‘Abunai Deka.’
[2] It’s a stereotype that police feed katsudon to suspects during interrogation.

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TRACK 02: If Jyushimatsu Was A Policeman ~Policeman: Jyushimatsu/ Suspect: Todomatsu~
JYUSHIMATSU/TODOMATSU: Dramatsu!

JYUSHIMATSU: If Jyushimatsu was a Cop.

JYUSHIMATSU: Why did you do it– Uh… uh… Todomatsu, was it?! Do you know what you’ve done?!
TODOMATSU: I’m sorry.
JYUSHIMATSU: If all you had to do was apologize, we wouldn’t need cops!
TODOMATSU: Okay, sir! …By the way, Detective Jyushimatsu, why am I being held for questioning?
JYUSHIMATSU: Because you met my gaze!
TODOMATSU: Are you a stray dog?!
JYUSHIMATSU: Don’t, you’re making me blush.
TODOMATSU: I’m not– …That’s right, I AM complimenting you! It makes… It makes you look kind of nice! Like a really accomplished detective!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehehe, oh, really?
TODOMATSU: This detective is an idiot, probably. No, definitely. I’ll just deal with him and scram out of here. Um… Detective Jyushimatsu?
JYUSHIMATSU: What?
TODOMATSU: You’re really cool! You must be extremely exceptional at your job, always showing plenty of results!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hmm… I won’t fall for that hand.
TODOMATSU: What hand?
JYUSHIMATSU: The right hand! No, left hand! You may be planning to butter me up and make me get full of myself so that you can use it as a chance to escape from here, but that’s not happening.
TODOMATSU: Wow, nothing less from you! No wonder you’re so exceptional!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehehe, right? Right?
TODOMATSU: Even your taste in clothing is good.
JYUSHIMATSU: Three shirts only cost me 2,000 yen!
TODOMATSU: The idea of sneakers with a suit is also nice!
JYUSHIMATSU: [runs in place] They’re easy to run in!
TODOMATSU: You’re the cop among cops!
JYUSHIMATSU: More!
TODOMATSU: You’re wonderful!
JYUSHIMATSU: And?
TODOMATSU: Shining!
JYUSHIMATSU: In Japanese!
TODOMATSU: Kagayaiteru!
JYUSHIMATSU: What else?
TODOMATSU: Et cetera!
JYUSHIMATSU: Nice!
TODOMATSU: Detective Jyushimatsu, you have so many wonderful aspects about you that I can’t express them into words in this short allotted time!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehehe, I see, I see! You know value when you see it!
TODOMATSU: Oh, not to that extent! [stands up] Well then, I’ll be going now.
JYUSHIMATSU: Sure, be careful out there!
[TODOMATSU walks out]
JYUSHIMATSU: He was a nice guy! And then there’s me, the super excellent cop! [hums out loud, pleased]

[JYUSHIMATSU bangs the table]
JYUSHIMATSU: You got me good last time, but this time it won’t happen again!
TODOMATSU: It’s been a while, Detective Jyushimatsu.
JYUSHIMATSU: Don’t underestimate me! You won’t be able to pull a fast one on me that easy!
TODOMATSU: You’re amazing!
JYUSHIMATSU: Huh?
TODOMATSU: You realized in ONLY three months that I deceived you so that you could let me escape!
JYUSHIMATSU: I–Is that so?
TODOMATSU: Yes! I thought you wouldn’t realize the truth for the rest of your life. And yet… and yet, it was just under THREE months! I was selling you short.
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehehe, right?
TODOMATSU: You are indeed the cop among cops– No! The KING of cops!
JYUSHIMATSu: Oh, not to that extent!
TODOMATSU: But it IS to that extent! Have more confidence in yourself!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehehe, no, I’m not falling for that!
TODOMATSU: I’m not setting you up! These are my true feelings. You’ve impressed me from the depths of my heart. You’re an amazing cop! An excellent cop! Ah… ahh! C–Could it be that you’ll even become the next partner?! [1]
JYUSHIMATSU: The next partner… Eh? You mean, HIS partner?!
TODOMATSU: Yes! You MUST be! You would be the perfect partner for him!
JYUSHIMATSU: His partner, huh… His partner! I see! It’s me!
TODOMATSU: It’s a good time for that to be considered, isn’t it? That’s right! The time has come!
JYUSHIMATSU: THAT is true! THAT is true! Yes! It’s true!
TODOMATSU: Yes, it’s true! I swear it’s true!
JYUSHIMATSU: Maybe I’ll even become slightly popular!
TODOMATSU: It won’t be slightly, you’ll be MASSIVELY popular! The entire nation– No, the entire WORLD will know who you are! Hey there, superstar!
JYUSHIMATSU: Superstar!
TODOMATSU: It’s perfect for you!
JYUSHIMATSU: You’re a great guy!
TODOMATSU: Not at all! I’m just a guy who knows how to get on in the world!
JYUSHIMATSU: Don’t be so humble! Have more confidence in yourself!
TODOMATSU: Yes, sir! Thank you! I’ll be going now!
JYUSHIMATSU: ‘Kay! Be careful!
[TODOMATSU walks out]
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehehe, that man’s partner, huh? Hahaha… All right! Tomorrow’s gonna be a home run! Wait for me, U*yo-san! U-kyooooo!

[JYUSHIMATSU bangs the table]
JYUSHIMATSU: What’s the meaning of this?! I didn’t end up as his partner! It wasn’t me! It was someone else with an M-shaped hairline! You liar! How dare you trick me! You are a fiend! A FIEND!
TODOMATSU: It sure was a shame. The two of you appeared to be fighting for the position of his partner, but– with a slight difference in touch?– Detective Jyushimatsu didn’t make the cut. Maybe because you didn’t have the M-shaped hairline?
JYUSHIMATSU: Kghhh!
TODOMATSU: Don’t worry, next time the person who will be his partner, Detective Jyushimatsu, is you.
JYUSHIMATSU: That won’t work anymore! I won’t let you go this time until you’ve spilled everything!
TODOMATSU: I don’t exactly know what I’m supposed to be “spilling” anyway…
JYUSHIMATSU: Then I’ll just have to question your body.
TODOMATSU: My body?
JYUSHIMATSU: Despite what you may say on the surface, it’s your body that’s honest.
TODOMATSU: Why are you saying lines out of a porno book?
JYUSHIMATSU: Kancho book?! Eh? Kancho? Kancho?? [2]
TODOMATSU: That’s not what I said.
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehe, what are you talking about? The body is honest. Look, you’re flushing! Your butt longs for that deep penetration!
TODOMATSU: Detective Jyushimatsu seems like the type who can endure anything, no matter what is done to him.
JYUSHIMATSU: Of course! Just try me! Question my body!
TODOMATSU: Ehh, this guy is such a pain. [sighs] Fine then, Detective Jyushimatsu. I will now interrogate your body. Be sure to answer everything honestly.
JYUSHIMATSU: You won’t get a word out of me!
TODOMATSU: Then… well! I feel hungry, don’t you? Detective Jyushimatsu, would you like to eat oden? It’ll be my treat.
JYUSHIMATSU: Really?! Okay, I’ll eat!

TODOMATSU: A large, large pot filled with large servings of oden! Ah, it’s hot! It positively boils!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hehe, yay! Looks tasty!
TODOMATSU: I’ve bought out Chibita’s entire oden cart!
JYUSHIMATSU: Time to eat–
TODOMATSU: Hold on just one second!
JYUSHIMATSU: Eh, why? I’m hungry! I’m hungry! I wanna eat! I wanna eat oden!
TODOMATSU: Only after I eat first, okay? Here goes. I’ll take this piping hot egg.
[TODOMATSU eats quietly]
JYUSHIMATSU: Cut the crap! A reaction like that isn’t any good! A reaction to oden has to go like this! Egg, white radish that’s been immersed in boiling hot dashi, and konjac! This is your standard reaction! Here goes! [eats] HOT!
TODOMATSU: He stuck it all into his mouth along with the piping hot egg!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hot hot hot hot!
TODOMATSU: He’s writhing in agony while his mouth opens and closes from the heat, and the white radish falls out the edge of his mouth and slips inside the front of his shirt!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hot hot hot hot!
TODOMATSU: What’s more, the konjac falls into his pants for some reason!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hoooooooot!
TODOMATSU: Even more pained writhing!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hot hot hot hot!
TODOMATSU: He’s rolling back and forth on the floor!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hooooot!
TODOMATSU: He hit the desk!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hot!
TODOMATSU: The pot on top of the desk tips over!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hot!
TODOMATSU: The entire contents of oden fall onto him!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hot hot hot hot hot!
TODOMATSU: Even more pained writhing!
JYUSHIMATSU: Hot hot hot hot hot hot hot– Hyahoooo! It’s like summer and summer and summer and summer came all at the same time! Hot hot hot!
TODOMATSU: [claps] What a wonderful reaction! I’ve learned a few things! [gets up] Now then. Goodbye!
[TODOMATSU walks out]
JYUSHIMATSU: [writhes even more, then calms down and eats] Oden is so good!

[1] Reference to a TV detective series, “Partner,” which involves Sugishita Ukyo partnering up with someone to solve cases.
[2] “Kancho” is a kiddy game where little kids stick their fingers up people’s butts unawares. “Kannou” is the genre of erotic fiction.

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TRACK 03: Free Talk Corner (Daisuke Ono & Miyu Irino)

To be updated…

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