[drama cd] osomatsu-san sextuplets’ work experience dramatsu CD series: karamatsu & ichimatsu “defense attorney”

おそ松さん 6つ子のお仕事体験ドラ松CDシリーズ カラ松＆一松『弁護士』

Where to buy this CD: Amazon.JP, CDJapan

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CAST
Karamatsu Matsuno : Yuuichi Nakamura
Ichimatsu Matsuno : Jun Fukuyama

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TRACKS
01: もしもカラ松が弁護士だったら　～弁護人：カラ松／被告：一松～
02: もしも一松が弁護士だったら　～弁護人：一松／被告：カラ松～
03: フリートーク（中村悠一＆福山 潤）

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TRACK 01: If Karamatsu Was A Defense Attorney ~Lawyer: Karamatsu/ Defendant: Ichimatsu~
KARAMATSU: Osomatsu-san Sextuplets’ Work Experience Dramatsu CD Series.
ICHIMATSU: Volume 4, Karamatsu & Ichimatsu: “Defense Attorneys.”
KARAMATSU: If Karamatsu was a Defense Attorney.

ICHIMATSU: Right now, we are in a certain courtroom. And now… Court begins.

KARAMATSU: Okay, Your Honor. You don’t have to explain everything. Your Honor and I are able to communicate with each other by looks, Heart to Heart! OK, baby… You want me to make a defense case for the accused, right? Of course I will. I am a man born to be of use to someone. Now then… the defense attorney for the accused, me, Karamatsu, would like to ask the accused several questions, much like the multitude of stars that glitter in the night sky. I ask that the defendant answer these questions honestly, like a newborn baby with a pure and clean heart. There is a large, sturdy lock around your heart right now, but who is it that will unlock it? It’s me~ Now, let’s begin! “The Servility Case.” [1] Defendant, what is your name?
ICHIMATSU: Ichimatsu.
KARAMATSU: The kanji character of “one,” one horizontal line. Heh, what a straightforward name. Your parents must have given you that name so that you may grow up into a straightforward fellow. [points] That star in the night sky that shines the brightest is your father! And right next to it, your mother! My heart burns with gratitude, emotion, and inspiration to see that they are constantly watching over you!
ICHIMATSU: Uh, they’re both still alive. Look, they’re in the visitor’s gallery.
KARAMATSU: Since your name is Ichimatsu, that must mean you are the first fruit of their love, the oldest son!
ICHIMATSU: I’m the fourth son. I wouldn’t call myself the fruit of their love, more like the wreckage of it? A mistake in their plans for a happy family? Why am I called Ichimatsu when I’m the fourth son…?
KARAMATSU: Not to worry. Even that famous major leaguer with a name that sounds like he’s the oldest son is actually not the oldest son at all, Ichimatsu-kun. That famous major leaguer with a name that sounds like he’s the oldest son is actually… the second son! [2]
ICHIMATSU: No matter how much you sparkle your eyes at me when you tell me that, I don’t–
KARAMATSU: Your eyes are clouded over, but not to worry.
ICHIMATSU: About what?
KARAMATSU: With an excellent lawyer like me by your side, I will prove that you are not servile, that your heart is not shrouded by darkness, that you are innocent! Bring straightfowardness to servility! Bring light to dulled eyes that look like darkness!
ICHIMATSU: [sighs] What a pain in the ass…
KARAMATSU: Also! A person’s value cannot be determined by their name! Being the fourth son with the name of Ichimatsu is no problem at all! A person’s value is not to be determined by their appearance either– Yes! [grabs himself] It is their soul! This soul stuffed with dreams, passion, and future that boils fiercely!!
ICHIMATSU: Heh, my soul’s cooled off a long time ago. There’s nothing to look forward to in the future anywa–
KARAMATSU: Ooooh, I don’t believe this! Your parents named you Ichimatsu so that you may live a straightforward life, but you have grown twisted and servile! But there is nothing to be embarrassed about that.
ICHIMATSU: So what if I’m twisted. Just give me the death penalty.
KARAMATSU: There’s no need to be so servile just because your personality is slightly servile. Even a foul flower is still a flower. No matter how foul a flower you are, you must bloom with all of your might without thinking of how foul you are. Why don’t you try doing your best, like a foul flower? It’s okay to be servile. Yes. You are a foul flower. Congratulations, foul flower!
ICHIMATSU: I’LL KILL YOU?! You’re not defending me, you’re making fun of me!
KARAMATSU: Your Honor, he just gave a warning for murder! I demand that the defendant be given the death penalty!
ICHIMATSU: AREN’T YOU MY LAWYER?! Why are you pleading the death penalty for me?!
KARAMATSU: I couldn’t help but ride the rhythm…
ICHIMATSU: Yeah, you need help. What kind of rhythm anyway?
KARAMATSU: Lifestyle rhythm?
ICHIMATSU: Shut the fuck up.
KARAMATSU: Biorhythm?
ICHIMATSU: Enough. You don’t have to defend me. The death penalty suits someone like me just fine anyway.
KARAMATSU: You need to graduate from that servility! [slaps]
ICHIMATSU: T–That hurt! Don’t slap me out of nowher–
[KARAMATSU continues to slap ICHIMATSU across the face]
KARAMATSU: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
ICHIMATSU: You bastard!
KARAMATSU: It’s not you who is in pain!
ICHIMATSU: Huh?
KARAMATSU: It’s not my hand that’s in pain either!
ICHIMATSU: Huh?!!
KARAMATSU: My heart! That’s slapping you! [continues to slap ICHIMATSU] Is crying about how much it hurts!! It’s crying about how much it really doesn’t want to slap you!! [slaps ICHIMATSU] Actually, my hand is hurting pretty bad too, but I’ll ignore it!!
[KARAMATSU continues to slap ICHIMATSU]
ICHIMATSU: Ow! I’m the one who wants to cry!
KARAMATSU: I really don’t want to slap you, but…! Hahahaha!!
ICHIMATSU: Eh?! You’re happy about this, aren’t you?!
[KARAMATSU continues to slap ICHIMATSU]
KARAMATSU: Cry! Cry! Cry!
[KARAMATSU continues to slap ICHIMATSU]
KARAMATSU: Fuck me! Fuck me! [3]
ICHIMATSU: You’re saying something weird mixed in there!
[KARAMATSU continues to slap ICHIMATSU]
KARAMATSU: It’s okay to cry! Don’t hold yourself in, just be honest and cry! My heart is crying too, so let’s cry together! My heart and you will become one and will cry together! It’s saying that it wants to cry together!
ICHIMATSU: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ANYWAY?! You’ve been making no sense this whole time!
[KARAMATSU releases ICHIMATSU and they both catch breath]
KARAMATSU: Tears cleanse the impure heart, like a blue sky in winter. An airplane flies across the endless expanse of the skies, clear from clouds. As they step on ice needles, the lovers smile at each other as their breaths leave them in white smoke. Within that cold atmosphere, their entwined hands feel very warm. If I were to name that warmth, it would be…
ICHIMATSU: It would be…?
KARAMATSU: [gets a burst of inspiration] Heart. [4]
ICHIMATSU: What the fuck.
KARAMATSU: My hand searches for a Heart.
ICHIMATSU: Huh?
KARAMATSU: [shows his hand] This hand has still yet to touch a Heart.
ICHIMATSU: Heh! So you’re saying that you’ve never held hands with a girl.
KARAMATSU: I wonder what a Heart feels like. Hehe, I bet it’s smooth as crystal, pure, with elasticity, springy texture, and tender…
ICHIMATSU: Are you making a food report?
KARAMATSU: Your Honor!
ICHIMATSU: Don’t suddenly return to the subject!
KARAMATSU: I would like to ask the defendant Ichimatsu a question!
[The judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: Honestly, how far are you going to derail this conversation?
ICHIMATSU: Oy. I get the feeling that it was mainly you doing the derailing.
KARAMATSU: It’s like you took down the rails that your parents provided for you, so that you can walk on your own two feet.
ICHIMATSU: Why is it that you can only speak like that? Not that I care.
KARAMATSU: Now, let me ask you. Answer honestly. Listen to the voice that comes from within your heart. Have you…?
ICHIMATSU: H–Have I…?
KARAMATSU: Ever touched a Heart before?!
ICHIMATSU: Huh?
KARAMATSU: In other words! I’m asking if you have ever touched a girl’s hand before!
ICHIMATSU: Keh…
KARAMATSU: Defendant, what is with that attitude?
ICHIMATSU: …I haven’t…
KARAMATSU: Huh?! I can’t hear you, say it louder!
ICHIMATSU: …I said, I haven’t!
KARAMATSU: Haven’t what?!
ICHIMATSU: I’ve never held hands with a girl before!
KARAMATSU: You fool! [slaps]
ICHIMATSU: Why are you slapping me?!
KARAMATSU: It’s okay to cry! I can’t believe that you’ve never held hands with a girl before! [cries]
ICHIMATSU: NEITHER HAVE YOU?!
KARAMATSU: Sooo let’s cry together!
ICHIMATSU: Huh?!
KARAMATSU: Just like that TV drama I loved…
ICHIMATSU: Huh?
KARAMATSU: About a forbidden love between teacher and student that took place in an all-girls high school! [5]
ICHIMATSU: Oh…
KARAMATSU: As the sun sets on Shinobazu Pond…
ICHIMATSU: Eh?
KARAMATSU: Let’s just cry together!!
[ICHIMATSU sighs]
KARAMATSU: As a crowd of water birds swim before us, let’s just keep crying and crying!
ICHIMATSU: No thanks.
KARAMATSU: Uuhhh… Kaahhh! You’re so servile… You should be more honest!
ICHIMATSU: That’s not the problem! …What are you crying for, honestly… Here!
KARAMATSU: Eh?
ICHIMATSU: Here. A handkerchief. Wipe those eyes.
KARAMATSU: …You’re servile, but you’re nice too… [blows his nose] Thanks, I’ll wash it and return it to you.
ICHIMATSU: You don’t have to return it.
KARAMATSU: Your Honor!! Would a handkerchief be considered a bribe?! It won’t? Then I’ll take the handkerchief.
[The judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: Ichimatsu. You’re servile, but you have a good side to you too… I know, let’s do this.
ICHIMATSU: Huh? What?
KARAMATSU: You’re servile and a foul flower–
ICHIMATSU: Do you have to go back to that?
KARAMATSU: But you have a warm heart. You have a gentle part of you. In other words… you have Heart.
ICHIMATSU: I… have Heart?
KARAMATSU: Yes. I can see the Heart that sparkles deep within you. Also, it is no exaggeration to say that I’m the very embodiment of Heart itself!
ICHIMATSU: That IS an exaggeration.
KARAMATSU: In other words, two Hearts are here. This is a miracle of the universe! It was fate that I met you here, it was destiny!
ICHIMATSU: So?
KARAMATSU: [offers his hand] Here. Let’s hold hands.
ICHIMATSU: Why?!
KARAMATSU: You have never touched a Heart before. I have never touched a Heart either. And right now, in front of both of us, there exists a Heart! Therefore! Wouldn’t it be our destiny to touch it?! No, it definitely would! Now, give me your hand!
ICHIMATSU: I don’t want to!
KARAMATSU: You don’t have to hold yourself back.
ICHIMATSU: I’m not holding back!
KARAMATSU: In that case… Are you embarrassed like an inexperienced girl? …Hehe, are you a bit scared? Is this your first time? Are you shivering? Like a newborn puppy. Or like a bud that’s wet from morning dew? Haha, you don’t have to be nervous. Give yourself to nature, to the Sun that is me. Oh, my beloved… You will blossom within my light. What sort of flower will you show yourself as to me? What color will your petals be? How will you smell? …Now, what will your Heart feel like? Look, my hand is reaching for your Heart now… for your precious place… for the depths that no one else has ever touched before…! It reaches for your Love Way– Ah!
ICHIMATSU: I said, stop!! If you bring that hand any closer, I’ll kill you!
KARAMATSU: Your Honor, he just gave a warning for murder! I demand that the defendant be given the death penalty!
ICHIMATSU: If you’re my lawyer, then defend me properly won’t you?! No, I mean, I don’t need you. I don’t need to be defended. I’m servile to begin with, I’m totally guilty for the Servility Case.
KARAMATSU: Verdict: The death penalty.
ICHIMATSU: You’re not the judge!! …But whatever. I’m okay with the death penalty.
KARAMATSU: Then you’re okay with the death penalty? Heh. Your Honor, the death penalty is just fine.
[The judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: Eh? The defendant is proclaimed innocent? What’s the Servility Case anyway, you say? Eh? Goodbye? Ehh?!
[The judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: …Heh. Hehehehe! I won…! It was a dramatic victory… I won the lawsuit! I won complete victory of the lawsuit! Rejoice, Ichimatsu-kun. I won your innocence for you!
ICHIMATSU: You were trying to put me to death.
KARAMATSU: It was all a part of my calculations. I scrupulously refined it as much as it could be refined… my non-plan!
ICHIMATSU: You just said from your own mouth that you had no plan at all.
KARAMATSU: Don’t get wrapped in the details.
ICHIMATSU: Is it a detail?
KARAMATSU: Look up at the sky.
ICHIMATSU: We’re inside a building.
KARAMATSU: What a great blue sky it is. And what lies beyond it is the universe! The great universe that expands infinitely. A countless number of stars! Once you start thinking about the universe, you find yourself not giving a single flip about this court case.
ICHIMATSU: Uh, all I can see is the ceiling… Ah, a spiderweb.
KARAMATSU: Now, let’s rejoice in our victory together! Come, mon cheri! [6] Jump into my arms!!
ICHIMATSU: Who are you calling your cheri?!
KARAMATSU: Come! Jump right into my arms!
ICHIMATSU: Go jump in front of a train.
KARAMATSU: That was an instigation for suicide just now. Your Honor!! Come back, Your Honor!! I demand that the defendant be given the death penalty!
ICHIMATSU: Enough.
KARAMATSU: Aahhh! The judge isn’t coming back quickly enough!!
ICHIMATSU: SHUUUUT UUUUP!

KARAMATSU/ICHIMATSU: Court adjourned.

[1] “Servility” ひくつ is a word that was used to describe Ichimatsu since the very beginning. It means someone with a spineless attitude, who despises and abases himself so much to the point that they are very passive. Not proactive action-takers.
[2] Karamatsu is referring to Suzuki Ichiro, whose grandfather gave that name because he wanted the character for “ichi” (first) in all of his grandchildren.
[3] Karamatsu changes from “nake” 泣け (cry) to “dake” 抱け (have sex with me).
[4] This word is hard to translate. “Magokoro” 真心 means “a heart that is filled with sincere devotion,” pretty much the essence of a “true heart.”
[5] Sorry, I have no idea what this reference is. It’s an old drama that I’m not familiar with.
[6] This could be a reference to a song title シェリー　by Ozaki Yutaka. If I were to use the official English translation, it would be “Shelly,” but since neither that nor “Sherry” made sense to me, I translated it as “Cheri.”

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TRACK 02: If Ichimatsu Was A Defense Attorney ~Lawyer: Ichimatsu/ Defendant: Karamatsu~
KARAMATSU/ICHIMATSU: Dramatsu!

ICHIMATSU: If Ichimatsu was a Defense Attorney.

KARAMATSU: Heh, there is no one in this world who can pass judgment on me. The law can leave me out of it.
[Judge pounds his gavel]

[ICHIMATSU walks down a hall]
ICHIMATSU: [sighs] What a pain in the ass…
[Judge pounds his gavel]
ICHIMATSU: Eh? Your Honor, what is it? Eh? Me? Defend this client? …Uhh… Just for a little while then… Let’s see here… [flips through case files] The name of the case… the “Painful Case.” Defendant, state your name.
KARAMATSU: “Ka” from “brilliant,” “Ra” from “luxurious,” “Matsu” from “pine, bamboo, and plum.” Karamatsu! [1]
ICHIMATSU: [writes] The defendant for the Painful Case is Karamatsu… So, are you okay with the death penalty?
KARAMATSU: Defense attorney Ichimatsu-san? Please defend me?
ICHIMATSU: The death penalty sounds just fine.
KARAMATSU: Straight to the chopping block?! All living creatures have the right and the responsibility to live once they’ve been born! Defend me, won’t you?! Win my innocence!
ICHIMATSU: Tch, what a pain in the ass…
KARAMATSU: Show some motivation! You can do it!!
ICHIMATSU: Motivation? That’s a word I’ve never heard before… I mean, I think the death penalty is perfect for you. Besides, you seem to have done a lot of other bad things before this case.
KARAMATSU: Heh. Everyone does rash things while they’re young.
ICHIMATSU: Do you remember what you’ve done?
KARAMATSU: Naturally… I met my 15th Night. [2]
ICHIMATSU: There’s nothing wrong with that.
KARAMATSU: I ran off with a stolen skateboard…
ICHIMATSU: Okay, you’re charged with theft.
KARAMATSU: At a school building at night…
ICHIMATSU: Trespassing on private property.
KARAMATSU: I broke a glass window…
ICHIMATSU: Property damage. Judge, please give the defendant the death penalty.
KARAMATSU: WHAT ABOUT MY DEFENSE?! Besides, it’s, uh, youthful indescretion? Perfect youthful indiscretion! Everyone has that!
ICHIMATSU: No.
KARAMATSU: It has nothing to do with this case to begin with, anyway! Please help me graduate from this court trial.
ICHIMATSU: Ugggggh, I knew this was a pain in the ass. It would end quicker if you just got the death penalty. Then how about we make a compromise and give you full life imprisonment?
KARAMATSU: What did you compromise with?? Also, full life imprisonment doesn’t exist in Japan!
ICHIMATSU: Then there’s only the death penalty for you.
KARAMATSU: All living creatures have the right and the responsibility–!
ICHIMATSU: Shut up… Fine then, I have no other choice. Let’s talk about the Painful Case.
KARAMATSU: You do not have no other choice, that’s what you should be doing! Ask me anything. I will expose my very heart. Once you see my soul as a human being, you will see that I am innocent. Hehe. Hahahaha. [starts fiddling with his belt] I have nothing to hide. This is me. Take a good look.
[Judge pounds his gavel]
ICHIMATSU: ……Ahh, I’m sorry, Your Honor. Defendant, please put your clothes back on. Why did you go butt-naked, that’s gross.
KARAMATSU: Because I have nothing to be embarrassed about.
ICHIMATSU: Don’t stand there with your arms folded. Put your clothes back on, Cacamatsu. [3]
KARAMATSU: Hmph. All right. [re-dresses himself]
ICHIMATSU: Now then… I guess I’ll begin defending the Painful Case. Although I still think that it’s a major waste of time.
KARAMATSU: Show some motivation! You can do this once you try!!
ICHIMATSU: There are some things that aren’t worth trying. So, about the Painful Case… Painful, huh… This is a biggie…
KARAMATSU: I am innocent.
ICHIMATSU: You have no idea why you are accused of being painful?
KARAMATSU: No!
ICHIMATSU: According to witness reports that saw cases of painfulness… “The accused wore sunglasses even at night. He apparently couldn’t see his surroundings because he walked into a telephone pole. What’s more, he spoke into the telephone even though there was nobody on the other end and whispered “I will accept your commission,” and did some sort of outro performance. He wandered around aimlessly in Shibuya because he wanted to be picked up by a fashion magazine, but no one approached him…” This hurts… This really hurts… Oh, by the way, Your Honor, the “painful” in “the Painful Case” means “corpse.” In other words, a dead person, and speaking of a dead person–?!!
[ICHIMATSU hits KARAMATSU with a bat]
KARAMATSU: OW?!
ICHIMATSU: It’s this “painful.” [4]
KARAMATSU: Ow… Did you just hit me with a bat?! What if I had died?!
ICHIMATSU: Tch. You should have died.
KARAMATSU: I’m being executed by my own lawyer?!
ICHIMATSU: The defendant Karamatsu keeps continuing to conduct painful behavior, so he is guilty. I demand that he be given the death penalty.
KARAMATUS: Flow of time, cease your operation! As my lawyer, you should defend me! Accomplish your mission! It is your predestination. It is the fate given to you by heaven, your destiny!!
ICHIMATSU: It hurts…
KARAMATSU: Do you realize what you are doing, Defense attorney Ichimatsu? Right now, you are looking as if you are looking at a pathetic person. Hah! Who is causing you to look like that? I will not forgive whoever causes you pain. I will remove the cause for you.
ICHIMATSU: The cause is you.
KARAMATSU: Okay, I will take away the cause! I will punch myself!!
[KARAMATSU starts punching himself]
KARAMATSU: How’s that?! [cough] Are you giving in?!! I will teach you!! The crime!! Of making Defense attorney Ichimatsu sad!! [cough] I bet you’ve learned your lesson now… Why is my face, and my stomach– My entire body hurting?! …D–Defense attorney Ichimatsu… I’ve removed the cause…! Wait, what’s wrong? The defense attorney’s eyes with the look of seeing someone pathetic are even more pronounced than before… The defense attorney’s heart has sunk even deeper into the ocean…!! Why?! I removed the cause, so why?!!
[Judge pounds his gavel]
ICHIMATSU: …Yes, Your Honor. As you can see, the defendant Karamatsu is painful without any doubt. In other words, I believe that he is, without any doubt, guilty for the Painful Case. I demand that he be put to death. In fact, do it right now if you can.
KARAMATSU: Wait!!!
ICHIMATSU: What’s wrong?
KARAMATSU: Is it bad to wear sunglasses at night?
ICHIMATSU: Eh? Is that what’s bothering you right now?
KARAMATSU: Yes.
ICHIMATSU: This is why you’re Cacamatsu… Sunglasses are meant to block sunlight, so it’s meaningless to wear them at night and when you do, it darkens your sight so you can’t see what’s around you.
KARAMATSU: Ohhhh! So that’s why I walked into that telephone pole! Incredible, there are still things in this world that are unknown to me! It’s full of surprises of the unknown! Heh… How magnificent this world is! It’s vast! How many unknown things will I come to know in the future? How many new things will I get to see?! The future shines! Dreams expand… Hope… A light of hope… I was lost in the jet-black darkness, but now I see light! That’s right, my future has only just begun! Watch me on this endlessly continuous Love Way!!!
ICHIMATSU: No, you’ve got the death penalty. It’s going to be carried out without wait, so you have no future. Your life, Defendant, is about to end soon. Could you not rouse up any useless hope?
KARAMATSU: Honestly, you’ve got no dreams, Defense attorney Ichimatsu. I see, so it’s not good to wear sunglasses at night. So that’s why I walked into the telephone pole. [nods to himself] Yes, yes, that certainly was painful. The Painful Case has been solved!
ICHIMATSU: Yeah, that’s not what Painful means.
KARAMATSU: What?
ICHIMATSU: It’s not “Painful” because hitting a telephone pole was painful. The defendant’s existence itself gives one a sense of pain, that’s what it means.
KARAMATSU: My very existence is painful? Hahaha, oh dear. What you say makes no sense. I’m a pacifist. I’m the reincarnation of Ghandi.
ICHIMATSU: I said, that’s not what Painful means.
KARAMATSU: I’m the reincarnation of Yutaka! ☆
ICHIMATSU: I hope his fans kill you.
KARAMATSU: I’m the reincarnation of Mizut–
ICHIMATSU: People are going to get mad at us, so stop it, Cacamatsu!!! [5]
KARAMATSU: Then… I’m the reincarnation of yukata. ☆
ICHIMATSU: What do you mean, the reincarnation of yukata? Were you hemmed up so much that you ended up in tatters?
KARAMATSU: Heh, what past life do you think will suit me the best?
ICHIMATSU: It hurts…! That’s exactly what I mean!
[Judge pounds his gavel]
ICHIMATSU: [sighs] Your Honor? Finish this up already, you say? Well, let’s see…
[Judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: Heh. At any rate, Your Honor, your gavel gives off a wonderful beat…
[Judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: It’s like the beating of my heart… Proof that I am alive… Music! That is soul! Music is what makes us free, Freedom!
[Judge pounds his gavel even quicker]
KARAMATSU: No one! Can shackle us! Carve it in, the rhythm of life!! That’s it, Your Honor! Burn up more! Let me hear your music!!
[Judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: Eh? What, Your Honor? …You were calling for silence? Heh, of course. Music with the name of Silence. It magnificently fills this world to soothe our hearts… Hey! [snaps his fingers]
ICHIMATSU: …He really is painful. He’s too painful…
[Judge pounds his gavel]
ICHIMATSU: Yes, Your Honor. Please give us your verdict.
[Judge pounds his gavel]
ICHIMATSU: Defendant, Karamatsu. Your verdict for the Painful Case is… Guilty. Death Penalty. Thank god, it’s over!!!
KARAMATSU: EHHHHHH?! Wa–Wa–Wa–Wait a sec, wait a sec! W–Why?! Why am I getting the death penalty?! Objection!!!
ICHIMATSU: Ehh? But we’re done here.
KARAMATSU: No, we’re not done! …I know! Listen to this! I have a poem that I love! It’s a poem that speaks of the importance of life! Once you listen to it, you’ll definitely want to take back that death penalty!!
[KARAMATSU takes out a piece of paper]
KARAMATSU: Here it is… “I love you, my angel. I know not your name. The convenience store where you work. With what little money I had, I take a barley tea in hand and line up for the register. My heartbeat quickens. My turn is next. Communication with you. Maybe when I receive the change, our hands will touch. Just then, the owner opens up the register next to yours. In a deep voice, he says, “Next customer in line, please.” I pay at the register of the shop owner. The owner’s hairy hand wraps over mine and hands me my change… Ahh, my angel. I know not your name. Ahh, my angel. An ‘I love you’ that does not reach you. Ahh, my angel. I know not your name. Today, I found out the owner’s name. The owner’s name is Kumada Youji. The warmth of his hand–”
ICHIMATSU: Oy. What the hell is that?
KARAMATSU: Eh? Oh, oops. [quickly hides] Hahaha, my mistake. That was a poem that I wrote.
ICHIMATSU: When you were in middle school?
KARAMATSU: No, three days ago.
ICHIMATSU: It hurts…
KARAMATSU: A–Ahh, here it is, here it is! It’s this poem. Let’s see here… “Jugem jugem…” [6]
ICHIMATSU: THAT’S WRONG!
KARAMATSU: “A precious life. When we were born, we arrived crying.”
ICHIMATSU: That’s enough.
KARAMATSU: “The people around us were laughing joyously.”
ICHIMATSU: I said, that’s enough!
KARAMATSU: “When we die, we want to be laughing as we die.”
ICHIMATSU: Okay.
KARAMATSU: “Will the people around us cry for our deaths?”
ICHIMATSU: Okay.
KARAMATSU: …Never mind that!!! I don’t care about poetry!!!!
ICHIMATSU: So you don’t care?!
KARAMATSU: [cries] I…!! I…!! I… just want to live a proper life…! Cry, laugh… Meet someone… Fall in love… Nurture that love and fasten it in marriage… Have fights sometimes with the person I love, get old together, until our backs stoop! Until we’re walking on canes!! Within the autumn colors of fall… Full of wrinkles… We’ll hold each other’s coarse, rough hands that have only bone and skin…! However, My Precious… Both I and my beloved would prefer that hand! It doesn’t have to be smooth…!! We worked, for each other’s sake… For family… The days that were spent in hard-working effort! Those rough hands are proof of happiness…! Holding each other’s rough hands, we’ll walk forward slowly… Remembering the life that was held until that day… And naturally, the memories will bring out a smile… Even without speaking, the couple can tell what the other is thinking… The colored leaves will dance in the wind… The two would be slightly cold. They bring their bodies closer together and continue walking… Just as how they had always done, walking on the path of life… And just as how they will continue…! You understand me, right, Defense attorney Ichimatsu?! Your Honor!! My feelings! The importance of life!!! The activity of humans that has continued for years…! [7] I want… to jump into the majestic cycle of death and rebirth…!!
ICHIMATSU: …I see. I understand veerrrry well. [smiles] You do as well, don’t you, Your Honor?
[Judge pounds his gavel]
KARAMATSU: Defense attorney Ichimatsu…! Your Honor…!
ICHIMATSU: We have come to fully understand that the defendant Karamatsu is painful beyond any doubt. He will be executed immediately.
KARAMATSU: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh?!

KARAMATSU/ICHIMATSU: Court adjourned.

[1] 「華麗のカ、ラグジュアリィのラ、松竹梅の松」 “Ka from ‘karei,’ Ra from ‘ragujari,’ ‘Matsu’ from “shouchikubai.'” “Shouchikubai” (pine, bamboo, and plum) are meant to symbolize good luck when grouped together; the word can also mean “upper, middle, and lower class” with the “matsu” part being “upper class.”
[2] Everything that Karamatsu says here about his crimes are references to songs by Ozaki Yutaka.
[3] Translated as “Cacamatsu” to keep the connection with the near-pronunciation of “Karamatsu,” but it still means “Shittymatsu.”
[4] A pun on “itai” イタイ meaning “painful” and “itai” 遺体 which means “corpse.”
[5] Yutaka = Ozaki Yutaka. Karamatsu next meant to say “Mizutani Yutaka,” who is another singer affiliated under the Avex label.
[6] “Jugem, Jugem” is a phrase used in either a comic storytelling, or part of a tongue-twister. The story behind “Jugem” is that the father wanted to give his future child a name that meant “long and healthy life” and decided that it would be reflected in a long name. He stuck fortunate kanji characters together to come up with the name, which is told as the longest name in Japan.
[7] In case “activity” was not easy to decipher in this translation, Karamatsu meant procreating.

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TRACK 03: Free Talk Corner (Nakamura Yuuichi & Fukuyama Jun)

To be updated…

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